6.6.24 Show vote

It’s Thursday. There are 152 days until the general election. Republicans are coming for birth control, Pennsylvania Republicans hate cops and Steve Bannon can rot (more than he already is).

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It makes us feel better about all the fucked up scary shit.

BIG EFFING ANNOUNCEMENT!!! Hold on to your sexy hats, Sexy Patriots, because we’ve got something big to share. We are fucking thrilled to share with y’all that we are teaming up with our dear friend and Sexy Patriot THE Mary Trump!!! Woo-freaking-hooooo!!!! That means TBS is going to be moving to Substack. Don’t worry. We are still keeping this free as long as we can, which is going on more than five years now. And we are keeping our promise to never sell or share your email addresses. If you get an email from us, it’s because of breaking news or the world is ending or we’re just lonely and want to say hi. You won’t have to do anything to stay on the super cool awesome person TBS email list. Next week, you’ll get TBS from both of us just like normal. Well, normal for us anyway. After that, the newsletter will start showing up in your inbox from Substack. But it will still be free, it will still be horrified and hilarious and it will still be fucking awesome. Oh and it will still be fighting to save this crazy goshdamn country. So let’s do this, SPs! 

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! We’re gonna skip the part today where we ask you how you’re doing. Based on the emails we’re getting (we fucking suck at getting back to y’all and we’re sorry), we know the good side is more than a little freaked out. We get it. We are too. It seems entirely possible that America has totally and forever lost its shit, and that is something to be concerned about. But goddamnit this newsletter is supposed to help us all feel better and laugh in the face of the stupid and the cruel. So today let’s laugh at this…

LOLOL! He had a license to carry a gun??? Yiiiiiiikes. So he theoretically could have shot some people on 5th Avenue. Or killed JFK. We were so amused by this we did a little digging. And it turns out that Trump actually gave up his gun years ago after accidentally shooting off his little orange shroom. Our sources say he cried for weeks while the women of New York rejoiced, and he could only be consoled after he was given a badge for marksmanship having hit such a small target.

We’re mostly, probably kidding about that even though it would explain a lot. So thanks, New York, for getting a gun out of the hands of a dangerous criminal. Now please lock his orange ass up. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Hey, y’all, we apologize, but we’re gonna have to take tomorrow off to deal with some personal stuff. We always feel so guilty when we have to do this, but we know y’all understand. And those who don’t are free to cuss us out.

Note three: Shit. Shit. Shit. The Georgia case is officially on hold. More: LA Mag

Note four: Mitch McConnell wants the Supreme Court to punish the Senate Democrats who are asking about corruption on the Supreme Court. Mitch McConnell can eat shit. More: NBC New York

Note five: No, Byron Donalds, Black Americans were not better off during the Jim Crow era. It’s amazing how much dumb and obvious shit we have to say these days.

Note six: The lying scum who have been attacking the Biden family while kissing the ass of a convicted felon are now referring the Biden family to DOJ for criminal charges. Ain’t happening. Well, at least not with this DOJ. More: HuffPost

Note seven: This dude running for Congress in Ohio is either homophobic or he’s so goddamn dumb he thought it would be funny to say he’s homophobic. Either way, fuck that dude. More: Heartland Signal

Note eight: New York Gov. Kathy Hochul pissed off a lot of good people yesterday. She seems to do that a lot. More: ABC7

Note nine: We already knew this, but the Colorado Republican Party are a bunch of assheaded assbrained assholes. More: HuffPost

Note 10: We like this, and we’ll be tuning in. And the New York Times can eat it.

Note 11: Yesterday MAGA Mike Johnson put a traitor (Scott Perry) and a drug-addled dipshit (Ronny Jackson) on the House Intel Committee. So yeah, the burglars are in the house. This is so fucked up. More: AP

Note 12: Who y’all got winning the NBA Finals?

Note 13: The Earth has a fever. That’s not the set-up to a joke. We’re killing the planet, and we need to do something about it. More: NBC

Note 14: A Federal Appeals Court is no longer accepting complaints about “Judge” Aileen Cannon because we sent too many of them. We assume other people sent some too. More: CNN

Note 15: If you were like us and spent part of your day yesterday shaking your heads about that shit with Byron Donalds, then you’ll want to watch this…

Note 16: Need a laugh? This Travis Kelce story is pretty funny. For something without cussing in it. More: HuffPost

Note 17: So the Washington Post — and democracy — are in big trouble. Apparently the new boss fired the editor because she wanted to write a story about his phone-hacking history. Yikes. More: NY Times

Note 18: We’re just gonna warn you that you can’t un-read this story about Trump’s insanely gross mouth foam. More: HuffPost

Note 19: As much as we hate Twitter, we had to share this with y’all for today’s Happy Ending. President Joe Biden is in France for D-Day. And he’s showing us what it looks like to really honor the people who “saved the world.”

Note 20: And on that touching note, let’s go do some news! We’re going through some big changes here at TBS, and we’re damn grateful to you for joining us. Yeah, shit is all fucked up, but at least shit is all fucked up together. Or something like that. Love y’all!

Show vote

It was a show vote, and Republicans showed us exactly what the fuck they’re gonna do — come for birth control. Senate Democrats yesterday introduced a measure that would ensure the right to contraception is legally protected, and it failed because the same fuckheads who helped overturn Roe want to come for birth control next. Only two Republicans — Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski — voted for cloture. So that means every Republican Senator running for re-election this year and many of Trump’s would-be running mates just voted against a woman’s right to contraception. Dumbasses.

More: NBC

WTAF PA?

American heroes Harry Dunn and Aquilino Gonel were reportedly booed and hissed by Pennsylvania statehouse Republicans while visiting Harrisburg yesterday. As fucked up as that is, maybe we shouldn’t be so surprised. After all, these are probably the same goddamn assholes who attacked our Capitol and these cops in the first place.

Let’s do this

Steve Bannon has a hearing scheduled for today in which DOJ is likely to ask the Trump-appointed judge why the fuck Bannon isn’t already rotting in a jail cell. Bannon’s appeal failed, and he should be on his way to the clink to serve the same four-month sentence Peter Navarro is currently sweating out. But for some reason he’s still free to attack Americans all day. So let’s hope by the time the sun sets tonight, we’ll be toasting the impending incarceration of Jabba the Butt.

Today’s clips

Judge Aileen Cannon is again ripping up the court schedule in former President Donald Trump’s classified documents case – pushing some of the legal questions that have been before her for months even further down the road. More: CNN

A Donald Trump supporter who assaulted law enforcement officers with bear spray and a metal whip — and who was arrested thanks to a woman’s sting operation on the dating app Bumble — was sentenced to just over six years in prison on Wednesday. More: NBC