6.6.23 House GOP whiffs again

Be advised: This newsletter is all about cussing, kicking ass and taking names. And to be honest, we never really knew what they meant by taking names. Like are we supposed to make a dang list? Like fucking Santa? We just don’t get it.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! You’re looking extra sexy and patriotic this fine day. Welcome to Today’s Big Stuff where today we do indeed have some big stuff to share. As you may or may not know, yesterday George Santos’s lawyer told a judge that Santos would rather go to jail until his trial than reveal the three people who put up his bail.

Various news organizations have asked the court to reveal the names in the public interest. And George Whateverthefuckhisnameis ain’t interested in the public interest.

Well, you’re not gonna fuckin’ believe this, but we figured out who they are. Without further ado, here are the three people who paid off Santos’s bail…

1. Kevin McCarthy — he needs the vote, he likes looking honest and tall by comparison and he’s a soulless chode. This doesn’t even seem like a joke anymore. Seems like a totally real possibility, right?!

2. Lauren Comer Greene — yeah some multi-headed-but-still-brainless shit-monster came together like an inbred voltron to keep ol’ Georgie around so they don’t get as many questions about their weekend klan meetings. Damn that seems like a real possibility too. Are we Pelican Briefing our way onto the truth of this shit? We swear one of these will be funny.

3. Schmeorge Schmantos — finally one of these is an actual goddamn joke. Get it? Like it’s actually George Santos paying his own bail? Because he’s a con-artist? And so he changed his name? Again? Oh fuck it. We think it’s McCarthy.

Well that didn’t go how we planned. Sorry about that. But every generation needs a Gerlado peeing himself in Capone’s vault, and if TBS has to walk that plank, then so be it. Love y’all.

Note two: Huge props to anyone who got that Capone’s vault joke. Also, we need to tell y’all just how grateful we are that you join us here. Just yesterday we got so many funny and thoughtful emails about us and genius conventions. We think about half of them were real, and we’re choosing not to think about the other half. But seriously, y’all are fucking amazing and we’re so goddamn glad to be standing next to you in this fight for democracy and laughter.

Note three: Wait. They flooded the IT room when they drained the pool at Mar-a-Lago?! And we’re supposed to believe that silly shit? More: Independent

Note four: Trump’s lawyers met with prosecutors yesterday, including Jack Smith, and Trump’s truth social reaction would sure suggest indictments are coming. Of course his dumbass acts like a fucking idiot when he’s not getting indicted too, so who knows. More: CNBC

Note five: You might think we’re crazy, but this would seem to suggest that Fox is on a better trajectory than CNN…

Note six: Speaking of CNN, yesterday new boss Chris Licht addressed his troops a few days after a story in The Atlantic laid him bare as a pathetic butt-kissing both-sidesing wimp. It didn’t go great. More: CNBC

Note seven: Robert Hannssen died. You might remember him as the FBI agent who sold us out to Russia. Had he lived, there’s a good chance he could’ve one day become the Republican presidential nominee. More: ABC

Note eight: If y’all are looking for something that is so weird and hilarious it’ll make your sides hurt and confuse the shit out of you, we highly recommend I Think You Should Leave on Netflix. Also, Jury Duty on Prime (Freevee) is amazing.

Note nine: Mike Pence announced for president yesterday. Chris Christie is announcing today. We did not feel like they deserved separate notes. We debated not mentioning them at all, but we figured it was worth it for the chuckle. NO POINT

Note 10: Big congrats to all the Kansas City fans out there. Must’ve been great to see your Super Bowl winning team at the White House. We have to admit we’re pretty big Mahomes fans.

Note 11: There was something big that happened on Friday that we forgot to tell you about yesterday. A Trump judge in Tennessee put a hold on the state’s drag ban because it’s unconstitutional as a motherfucker. More: NPR

Note 12: We’re not gonna talk a whole lot about RFK Jr. buddying up with Elon Musk and Jack Dorsey to spread their fucked up conspiracy theories. But that goddamn loser sure has lost our vote. (We’re kidding. He never had it.) More: Independent

Note 13: Nice to see Tim Scott get booed on the View yesterday. You’d think they’d have more respect for someone polling at 1 percent. More: Guardian

Note 14: For some reason it was treated as big news yesterday that Chris Sununu won’t run for president. TBS is brave enough to say we don’t give a shit. More: USA Today

Note 15: Solidarity, baby! We don’t totally understand the ins and outs of the writers’ strike, but we do know we stand with them against the greedheads running shit. It’s awesome to see that the actors’ union does too!

Note 16: Another professor has been fired from Ron DeSantis’s New College. This time it was because the professor invited Black historian Marvin Dunn to speak. It sure is weird how little time and attention white reporters give to this kind of thing. More: Miami New Times

Note 17: And when it comes to Florida, shit just keeps getting more depressing. Now we’re talking about a quarter-of-a-million low-income Floridians just lost their healthcare through Medicaid. Fuck Ron DeSantis. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Cornell West announced he’s running for president. Last time we saw him was when he wrote an oped in the Wall Street Journal defending Ron DeSantis’s “education” bullshit. That was last month. No thanks. More: WSJ

Note 19: A Texas sheriff is calling for DeSantis to be arrested. Cool. Let’s do it. Now. Let’s go. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that hopeful-bordering-on-delusional note, let’s go do some news! We hope you have an awesome day. Unless you’re one of the people who bailed out George Santos. In which case, you suck. Love y’all!

What debt?

It’s a fucking miracle. Republicans, who were very worried about our national debt when it came to food stamps and healthcare, aren’t really sweating it anymore now that they want more tax cuts. Yeah, McCarthy and his cronies smell weakness after the debt ceiling bullshit, and it sure seems like they’re ready to force some more bullshit in order to force some more tax cuts for their rich friends. This is when it would be great if we had a media that didn’t benefit from those tax cuts. Like TBS.

More: WSJ

Fuck the PGA

We realize most people gave up on the spoiled rotten shit-eating scumbags who play professional golf a long time ago. Still, it’s pretty fucking gross to see this morning that the PGA has sold out and agreed to merge with the Saudi LIV tournament, which host tourneys near New York where American golfers make clear they don’t give a fuck about Sept. 11 or Jamal Khashoggi. Saudi Arabia has now purchased a major sports league and a major political party. Who’s next?

More: NBC

Oops

House Oversight Chairman Jamie Comer and the other dumb kids are gonna launch contempt proceedings over FBI head Chris Wray. They’re very angry that Wray will only let them look at a document instead of having it. The document in question is some Rudy bullshit that the bureau investigated and found nothing. But Comer and Fox News and Politico and CNN don’t care so they keep acting like they’ve got something. We sure hope they don’t succeed in taking down Trump-appointee Wray. That would be a shame.

More: AP

Today’s clips

The Atlanta City Council pushed forward legislation early Tuesday that would help fund a controversial public safety training facility. More: HuffPost

A state school board in Oklahoma voted Monday to approve what would be the first publicly funded religious school in the nation, despite a warning from the state’s attorney general that the decision was unconstitutional. More: AP

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