6.5.23 CNNotwatching

It’s Monday. There are 519 days until the presidential election. CNN is just Fox poo now, Marjorie Taylor Greene gets cold three-toed feet and Chuck Toddon’t let the door hit you on the way out.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It occasionally uses non-cuss words too.

Note: Sexy Patriots! There are some days this opening note can be difficult to put together as we struggle to figure out how to take something already really fucking dumb and make it even dumber. Today was one of those days…

What the fuck are we supposed to do with that?! How the hell do we take that and make it any dumber or more hilarious? Magadon’t? Magadon’tyouthinkyouneedashower? Magadon’tattackourCapitolagain? Magadon’tyouthinkthisisthedumbestfuckerintheworld?

We were actually gonna do a whole thing about the land of Magadonia and its stank-ass dumbshit citizens. But then we figured we’d go another way and just warn y’all that the next year-and-a-half are going to make the last seven years look like a genius convention. (Are there genius conventions?) So Magadon’t despair because we’ve beat these Magadumbfucks before. Just watch out that you don’t get any Magadoodie on your shoes. Love y’all!

Note two: Seriously are there genius conventions? If there are, our invitations must keep getting lost in the mail.

Note three: Trump’s lawyers were seen entering DOJ today. Between that and his endless weekend freakout, it sure does seem like indictments are coming soon. Fingers crossed!

Note four: If Trump ever does go to jail, you know Kim Jong Un is going to cry and write letters to prison every day. More: Guardian

Note five: Ok this made us spit out our chocolate milk…

Note six: Remember how three anonymous people bailed George Santos out of jail? Well today the news media is going to court to try and force the judge to unseal who paid the tab. We’re guessing it wasn’t Dolly Parton or someone cool. More: CBS

Note seven: Just a reminder this is Pride Month and we are damn proud of our LGBTQ+ friends, brothers and sisters. And anyone who has a problem with it can eat shit, kiss our asses and fuck right off. More: Vox

Note eight: LOLOL. Twitter has become Newsmax and as such it’s having about the same success in advertising. According to the New York Times, Twitter’s advertising is down 59 percent. Maybe that’s because… More: NY Times

Note nine: Elon has gone full-on anti-trans bigot. Imagine hating your own kid so much that you would act like this in front of the whole goddamn world. More: LA Blade

Note 10: Hey but finally some US Senator are starting to give a shit about the rather obvious anti-American d-bag who has billions in government contracts… More: CNN

Note 11: Freshman Rep. Maxwell Frost on stage at a concert last week and said “Fuck Ron DeSantis. Fuck fascism.” It’s one of the best songs we’ve heard this year, and he might be our new favorite band.

Note 12: Bibi Netanyahu has a new hire, and it won’t surprise you to know the person was tweeting about how the election was stolen from Trump and Biden isn’t fit to be president. But don’t worry. He says it was when he was a private citizen so it’s fine. More: Haaretz

Note 13: If you live in DC and had the absolute shit scared out of you by the sonic boom of a finger jet yesterday, well, you’re not alone. More: AP

Note 14: The New York Times did a story about Biden’s age this weekend. We know you’re shocked. What’s crazy is that Trump came across looking a billion times worse. More: NY Times (Paywall)

Note 15: Remember when Lauren Boebert said she missed the debt ceiling vote because it was a protest. Well here’s video of her running to vote and learning it’s over. Can you believe she would just lie to us all like that?!

Note 16: It’s behind a paywall but this is a powerful story about Jamie Raskin, what he and his family have been through, how he’s kept fighting and how he’s thinking about running for the Senate. More: Washington Post

Note 17: Disney is making clear that queer families are still very much welcome at its parks even if they’re not welcome in the rest of DeShitistan. Did you ever think you’d root for a corporation like Disney like this? We didn’t either, but go Mickey!

Note 18: Have we ever told y’all how much we love the Fettermans? Because we do. A lot.

Note 19: Finally today we want to congratulate our friend Sen. Bob Duff and the good people of Connecticut on passing one of the most “sweeping” gun laws in the state since the post-Sandy Hook era. Guess that’s one state that actually gives a damn about its kids and so goddamn shit-for-brains it blames everything on drag queens. More: ABC

Note 20: And on that hopeful note, let’s go do some news! We hope you’ll forgive us for our shitty Magadonia jokes. We were traveling over the weekend, and we feel like we could’ve done better. So shoot us an email and tell us what you would’ve gone with. We love y’all and hope you have an awesome day.

CNNotwatching

CNN continued its descent into dipshittery over the weekend with yet another gutless ass-kissing townhall of a right-wing extremist. This time it was Nikki Haley and Jake Tapper and all we can say is gross. We’re not going to repeat the disgusting shit she said about trans teens causing girls’ suicides, but we will tell you that Nikki is human garbage and CNN is shitty Fox now.

More: Pink News

No transparency?

Remember how Marjorie Taylor Greene was going to release the Jan. 6 tapes to her Jan. 6 media friends so they could tell America the truth? Well she’s backtracking and has decided that’s not such a good idea. Her reason? That groups out there are doxxing the criminal scum who attacked our Capitol. The real reason? Her piece of shit friends attacked the Capitol and she tried to help cover it up and that’s what the videos show. It’s times like these we wish there was some kind of Capitol Hill press corps to ask her hard questions about this shit.

BYE-BYE!!!

Chuck Todd said on yesterday’s Meet the Press that he didn’t want to overstay his welcome. Too late, motherfucker! Yeah, Chuck the Chuckless is finally retiring from Meet the Press after nine years and about nine years too late. The most pathetic man in news might have finally managed to buy a clue in just under a decade. In good news, he is being replaced by Kristen Welker, the first Black woman to host a major network Sunday show. Congratulations to Kristen and congratulations to American on Chuck’s sorry ass stepping down.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Sixteen Venezuelan and Colombian migrants who entered the country through Texas were flown to California by chartered plane and dropped off outside a church in Sacramento, Gov. Gavin Newsom and migrant rights advocates said Saturday. More: HuffPost

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