6.29.23 Exactly who we thought they were

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity and is not suitable for children or the shitheads who voted for Trump.

Note: They almost got us, Sexy Patriots! They almost got us. There we were yesterday, just minding our own business and being sexy as hell and along come these two national polls that showed Biden losing to Trump. GASP! We could feel the fear, we could feel the familiar super-duper-oh-shit-oh-fuck-buttcheek-clinch and the panic just itching to race all up and down our bodies. And then…

We didn’t. We unclinched and went along with our day.

Because we remembered the election is a year-and-change away. Because we remembered the same polls told us about a Red Wave that was more like a pink pee stain. Because state polls are what matter. Because Dark Brandon has been counted out before. And because the 81 million of us who saved this country three years ago still have something to say about it all.

So please join us in following these Election Year Resolutions —

• DON’T freak out when you see a bad poll

• DON’T freak out when Biden has a gaffe (we really need to work on this one too)

• DON’T freak out (too much) when tv reporters ask stupid questions that make you want to throw your tv out the fucking window

• DON’T freak out when a pundit pretends they have a crystal ball but sounds like they’re on crystal meth

• DON’T freak out when the New York Times shits on Biden while ignoring Trump doing genuinely heinous and shocking shit every 15 goddamn minutes

• DON’T go anywhere near Rudy Giuliani

• DON’T freak out; DO organize, campaign, contribute and vote your ass off

That last one is the most important. President Obama likes to say “don’t boo; vote.” We put a TBS spin on that — Don’t shit yourself; shit on them. Ok it needs work, but hopefully you hear what we’re saying. Let’s make these pollsters look like incompetent assheads. Again. Love y’all.

Note two: Btw, we’re not the boss of you so you go right ahead and freak out about whatever you want to and we’ll have your back. And if you have any pink pee stains, get to the doctor immediately.

Note three: If you are feeling nervous about things, check out Joey Jobs’s remarks in Chicago yesterday. We’ve got a really good story to tell, y’all.

Note four: And we got some more good economic news as the GDP from the first quarter was revised upward, meaning the economy grew at 2 percent and not the 1.3 percent that was originally reported. Woohoo! More: CNBC

Note five: Wow. Ron DeSantis is a lot of things — bigoted, hateful, weird, not pulling off those heels and corrupt as all hell — but he’s also corrupt as all hell. WaPo, which is free until tonight, gave one of his donors $92 million in COVID relief funds. More: Washington Post

Note six: House Republicans, who have done nothing to govern except threaten to default and then cave, have decided they are done with policy and will now focus all their efforts on impeachments. We’re sure some of those GOP moderates we keep hearing about will speak up. More: CNN

Note seven: Oh and btw, when Republicans do start their impeachments, expect CNN to treat every bit of it as real and serious. After all, they are the most trusted name in news about RFK Jr.’s pecs.

Note eight: Congratulations to the Yankees’ Domingo German, who threw a perfect game last night. Of course we hate the Yanks, but you have to respect the perfecto. More: ESPN

Note nine: Melania Trump is selling more NFTs. We honestly can’t imagine what the person who would buy this shit must be like. Especially since they’re probably just ripped off from Michelle Obama. But seriously who the fuck is still buying NFTs and who the fuck is getting them from this idiot? More: The Hill

Note 10: If we were political pundits, we might point out that RFK Jr. is running the stupidest Democratic primary campaign of all fucking time. Or just talk some more about his pecs (we’re not letting this go).

Note 11: Florida’s Susan Wiles is the top Trump campaign aide mentioned in the indictment. If you don’t know Susan, she’s been destroying Florida for years and years. Would be a goddamn shame if she spent the rest of her miserable life in prison. More: ABC

Note 12: RIP to Lowell Weicker, a Connecticut Republican who wasn’t in the cult. More: Courant

Note 13: Zelensky wants to legalize weed in Ukraine. And we thought they couldn’t get any cooler than “Russia warship, go fuck yourself.” More: Semafor

Note 14: DeSantis wants to get rid of the IRS, the energy department, the education department and the commerce department. Nice of him to remind us that he’s not just a bigot but also dumber than dog shit. More: NBC

Note 15: We’re gonna talk more about SCOTUS’s bullshit affirmative action decision in the news section, but y’all should know that Justice Jackson read the majority to filth in her dissent.

Note 16: Mike Pence made a surprise visit to Ukraine. Probably to lecture them about the weed thing. More: NBC

Note 17: Holy shit Madonna had to be rushed to the hospital. We’re sending so much love we might actually run out. More: HuffPost

Note 18: While we’re talking pop culture, it sure seems like Vanna White got fucked over. We got no beef with Seacrest, but she is that show. More: AL

Note 19: A Jan. 6er keeps getting used by Trump and his ilk as they try to downplay what happened that day. And she’s telling them to stop because what she did was wrong. The QAnon Shaman Shithead should take notes. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And since we like to end on a happy note, SIMONE BILES IS BACK Y’ALL! More: AP

Note 21: And on that awesome note, let’s go do the news and then kick this Thursday’s ass. We hope y’all are having a great week and keeping your head up. Just a reminder that we’re taking some time off next week to celebrate the holiday and recharge. Hope y’all are able to do the same. Have a great day!

Wait. WHAT?!

So we told y’all that Giuliani met with the special counsel’s team. What we didn’t know at the time was that it was a proffer session where Giuliani could have been trying to make a deal to save his own sorry ass. Rudy becoming a rat is really the logical next step in this asshole’s journey. It goes America’s Mayor, drunken embarrassment, face-shitting Four Seasons moron and then rat. We hate Trump so much and yet we can’t wait to read the Truth Social posts if Doody Pooliani flips.

More: NY Times

Happy Pride!

Republicans were so excited to be discriminating against trans Americans they forgot all about the constitution. Fortunately even the dumbest Trump judges so far have ruled that all these cruel and shitty new laws are unconstitutional. Just yesterday, federal judges in Tennessee and Kentucky came to the same conclusion. Which is good because we like to drink bigoted fuckhead tears.

More: AP

Exactly who we thought they were

In a 6-3 decision that reminds the world the US Supreme Court has been hijacked by soulless Republican political operatives, SCOTUS struck down affirmative action admissions policies at Harvard and UNC. Roberts, who tried to declare racism over when he wrote Shelby, wrote the majority this time. Mr. Moderate Chief Justice sure seems to have a problem with Black and Latino people. Anyway, this is a bullshit decision that isn’t based on law and will hurt a lot of people who don’t have rich white daddies to buy their way into Harvard. And this court is exactly what we thought it was.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden in recent weeks has started using a continuous positive airway pressure, or CPAP, machine at night to help with sleep apnea, the White House said Wednesday. The revelation comes after indents from the mask were visible on the president’s face as he departed the White House. More: HuffPost

Wagner Group CEO Yevgeny Prigozhin's exact whereabouts remain unclear, but two planes linked to him are continuing to travel around Russia and Belarus. More: CNN