6.28.23 Kevin McCarthy does damage control

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like a drunken sailor who is drunk on loving democracy and booze.

Note: Happy humping Hump Day, Sexy Patriots! No, we don’t have any special plans for today. It’s just a nickname for Wednesday. But we suppose we could make it about a certain humping asshole who has really been pissing us off lately — Tommy Tuberville.

You know him as the guy who lost to Vandy, defends white nationalists in the military and oh yeah is fucking with military promotions because he doesn’t get to set the Pentagon’s abortion policy. So we already hated his dumb ass. But then he goes and pulls this shit…

We don’t have to tell you that dickhead here voted against the very funding he’s excited about. We’ve been seeing this a lot the last couple years. It’s bad enough the press won’t give Biden any credit for the stuff he’s gotten done, but then we see these assholes who spent all their time kissing orange ass and whining about Hunter Biden while Democrats were actually governing trying to take credit for our shit. They call it “vote no and take the dough.” Cute, right? Like maybe a little too cute? So we’re proposing some new ways to describe it. Here’s what we’ve got so far —

• Vote no and this dirty motherfucker is a goddamn liar

• Vote no and this asshole didn’t have anything to do with this money

• Vote no and seriously he’s a real piece of shit who’s taking credit for something he tried to stop

• Vote no and does this fucking asshole think we’re too dumb to look up how he fucking voted?

• Vote no and this no-good, lying two-faced buttlick’s garbage will absolutely fool the people who voted for Roy Moore

Oh yeah. Hope they didn’t think we forgot about Roy. We did not. Anyway, just in case we weren’t clear TOMMY TUBERVILLE DIDN’T HAVE A GODDAMN THING TO DO WITH THAT MONEY GOING TO ALABAMA. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Y’all, we were so tempted to make the opening note about this story about Trump talking about wanting to have sex with his own daughter, but we love y’all very much and didn’t want to make you throw up when you opened this email. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS CREEPSHOW?!!!!!! More: Rawstory

Note three: Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is doing a fundraiser in the Arizona Senate race for… Ruben Gallego. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Eat shit, Sinema! More: NBC

Note four: We don’t fully understand the details because we’re worried touching this story will make our hands sticky and gross, but Trumpland and DeSantis-stan are at war over a racist staffer. Here’s a little secret the mainstream press won’t tell you — they’re all racist staffers or else they wouldn’t be working for these grand wizards. More: Daily Beast

Note four: If you’re a baseball fan, you need to be watching what Shohei Ohtani is doing. But if you’re a baseball fan, we suspect you already are. More: ESPN

Note five: We had already written the opening note when we saw this. Another classic Dark Brandon burn…

Note six: That burn aside, we’re pissed off at POTUS at the moment. And we’re really wondering why we keep seeing Democrats who can’t be bothered to get the messaging right on Roe and women’s rights. STOP BEING FUCKING AFRAID OF STANDING UP FOR WHAT’S RIGHT. More: CBS

Note seven: We’re not linking to it, but the New York Times is doing a “but her emails” on Republicans complaints about Hunter Biden. Democrats went above and beyond with Hunter in ways that Republicans never would and this is the thanks we get from the mainstream media. Fuck the NYT. NO LINK

Note eight: Trump is now saying there were no documents. Like he’s actually saying there were no documents in that recording where you hear papers rustling and instead it was just “bravado.” Yeah, it’s pretty dumb but it will work on his base and CNN. More: ABC

Note nine: Consumer confidence is at its highest level since… last year. Wait. What? Like this number seems good and positive and we’re not complaining, but how the hell is last year the high-water mark? More: Market Watch

Note 10: Oh look it’s a bunch of cops shaking hands and taking pictures with a man who is under indictment, attacked the US Capitol injuring 150 cops and was found by a jury to be liable for sexual abuse. They seem to really care about law and order.

Note 11: Y’all know we hate to link to Politico (they’re sponsored by oil companies and they steal from children’s hospitals), but we want everyone to know that No Labels has connections to DeSantis. And btw, we’ve actually come up with quite a few labels for them. More: Politico

Note 12: Today is the anniversary of Stonewall. Today and everyday we stand with our LGBTQ+ friends. Happy Pride, and fuck the haters. More: DFP

Note 13: Remember yesterday when the dumbshit mayor of Miami had no idea who the Uyghurs are? Well now he says he totally knows but he just misheard the question. LOL. Sure, champ. NO LINK

Note 14: DeSantis sucking DeWind in New Hampshire. Yeah, this freak was never gonna be the nominee, but he sure impressed a lot of Republican donors and reporters by being George Wallace 2.0 with a weird voice. More: Business Insider

Note 15: Yesterday CNN put out a tweet that said “There’s nothing junior about presidential candidate RFK Jr.’s pecs are his shirtless workout went viral.” Ummmm maybe Chris Licht wasn’t the problem. Anyway let’s check in and see how cable news ratings are going…

Note 16: Btw, RFK has a DeSantis problem — the more voters get to know him, the more they hate him. Hard to believe Democrats aren’t interested in Steve Bannon’s roided out pet. More: WMUR

Note 17: The governor of Georgia attacked Biden’s electrical vehicle policies. At a goddamn groundbreaking in Georgia for a new EV battery plant. Isn’t creating jobs supposed to be a good thing? More: AP

Note 18: A giant HAPPY BIRTHDAY to legend Mel Brooks. Our lives would be incomplete without Spaceballs.

Note 19: Liz Cheney says the problem with politics is “we’re electing idiots.” We would respectfully like to ask Liz if she’s got a mouse in her pocket because “we” didn’t elect the fucking morons you see these days. Her party did. More: Washington Post

Note 20: And on that annoyed note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having a fantastic week. We’re gonna take some time off next week to celebrate the holiday and recharge the ol’ batteries but we’ll fill you in tomorrow. Have a great day!

My Kevin

A shameless butt-kissing Capitol Hill press corps doesn’t really want to talk about, but yesterday Kevin15 fucked up and had to call Daddy Trump to apologize. It started in the morning when McCarthy did an interview and pondered aloud whether Trump would be the GOP’s strongest candidate next year. Within a couple hours, McCarthy was doing damage control, calling Trump to apologize and blame reporters and then doing another interview to claim Trump is stronger now than ever. Can you believe an entire press corps gets rolled by this wimp every goddamn day?

More: CNN

Woohoo!

We have to admit that we don’t usually pay attention to city council races around the nation. We’re doing all we can to bring y’all the news we do. But this one is different. It has been 34 years since Yusef Salaam and four of his friend were accused of raping a woman in Central Park. It has been 34 years since Donald Trump took out a full-page ad in the New York Times calling for Yusef and his friends to be put to death. And last night, Yusef won his primary (and the race) to join the city council representing Brooklyn. Congratulations doesn’t seem like a strong enough sentiment.

More: AP

America’s mayor

Jack Smith has some questions for Rudy Giuliani. The drunken monster who shits from his face and married his cousin was interviewed by the special counsel yesterday. According to CBS, investigators had a lot of questions about the period between the election and the Jan. 6 attack and are “particularly interested” in the meetings that took place at the White House. We’d say Rudy seems to be in a lot of trouble, but that guy has been a walking landfill for years now.

More: CBS

Today’s clips

An Arizona county elections director quit on Tuesday after accusing local officials of politicizing her department and embracing “irrational, extremist political party views.” More: HuffPost

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, who is running for the 2024 GOP presidential nomination, on Tuesday said he “didn’t enjoy seeing what happened” at the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, but urged Republicans to move past the deadly insurrection and focus on President Joe Biden’s mistakes instead. More: HuffPost