6.27.23 Georgia Jack

Be advised: This newsletter uses bad words because “fudge Trump” sounds worse than cussing.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How the heck fire are you this fine day? Sexy as all hell and thrice as patriotic? Oh damn! We love it.

We’re sure y’all have noticed this lately, but American politics seems to have settled into a truly fucked up routine where every single day there are basically four components to the news…

1. Donald Trump said he’s going to rip off the Statue of Liberty’s head and shit down her neck and then run down to the bottom and roll around in the shit because America or something

2. A House Republican filed a new bill/started a new committee aimed at putting Democrats in jail for saying Trump’s Lady Liberty shit is gross and will stink

3. A billionaire revealed himself as an anti-semite who also hates Keanu Reeves and puppies while appearing on tv at a Shit Down the Statue Rally

4. Joe Biden got $40 billion to fix that thing that’s been broken forever while also not shitting in any beloved American statues

And sometimes that’s interrupted by a new generation learning what Ticketmaster fees look like or when a celebrity fucks up. But for the most part, we’ve got this down. The trick is to stay focused on #4 and leave the others to us. We’ll run ‘em through the ol’ TBS-a-nator, springle on a few fucks and goddamnits and voila there’s your news. The next year and a half is gonna be really fucking dumb, but we got you. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We hope we didn’t alarm you. As far as we know, Trump has never actually threatened the Statue of Liberty except when he let Stephen Miller out of his hole to talk about removing the Emma Lazarus poem. There are guards to keep both Miller and Trump’s shit away from Lady Liberty. More: CBS

Note three: Sen. Rick Scott put out a video today telling socialists and communists they’re not welcome in Florida. He put out no such video when nazis showed up at Disney World. But if he really wants people to stay out of Florida, he should just have them put up a picture of him at the state line.

Note four: We don’t usually go back to back tweet/screenshots, but while we’re on dumbshit Florida politicians, here is Miami mayor and Republican presidential candidate Francis Suarez’s response to being asked about the Uyghurs. That state should really not be banning books or fucking with education. It needs way more of both.

Note five: Trump valet Walt Nauta was scheduled to be arraigned today, but he asked for a delay because of flight issues or some shit. He’s now scheduled to be arraigned July 6. Two days after we celebrate the independence of a country Walt betrayed so he could kiss some gameshow host ass. More: CNN

Note six: We want to send a note of support to Wall Street Journal reporter Sabrina Siddiqui, who has been harassed endlessly since she did her job and asked PM Modi about human rights violations. This is what reporters are supposed to do. More: NBC

Note seven: A weeble?! What a dumbfuck.

Note eight: Vice President Harris made a surprise visit to the Stonewall Inn yesterday to make clear that we are neve going to stop fighting for equality. Happy Pride! More: HuffPost

Note nine: We have no fucking idea why Amy Klobuchar is going on CNN to say she supports some abortion restrictions, but maybe she wants to find out what it’s like to run for re-election without support from your own party. Why are Senate Democrats always such a goddamn disappointment? More: CNN

Note 10: Judge Aileen Cannon made a ruling yesterday. Some lawyers said it was bad. Some lawyers said it was no big deal. We’re not sure why everyone is pretending like we don’t know what this Trump trash will do when we’ve already seen her do it. More: HuffPost

Note 11: These Trump fellas who helped an attack on the US Capitol sure do some them some Putin.

Note 12: Thanks to HuffPo for taking a look at the cozy relationship between the right-wing extremists on the Supreme Court and the Wall Street Journal edit page. More: HuffPost

Note 13: So we almost didn’t believe this when we saw it yesterday, but Kansas AG and lifelong criminal Kris Kobach is trying to revert drivers’ licenses and birth certificates for trans people who had them changed. Wasn’t all this evil bullshit supposed to be about protecting kids? More: NBC

Note 14: Roseanne Barr put out a video calling Trump “the first woman president” and we’re not showing it here because we really like y’all. Shame nobody loves her enough to get her some help.

Note 15: The Club Q shooter pled guilty yesterday to the murder of five people and will spend the rest of their life in prison. We hope we never have to think about this scum ever again. More: CNN

Note 16: Fox is really stepping up its racism. Yesterday the channel announced that Jesse Watters will be taking over Tucker Carlson’s spot and like an hour later he was on tv doing some anti-Obama racist shit. We think we’ll probably watch something else.

Note 17: We’ve spent so much time making fun of Kari Lake, who is probably spending the morning angrily contesting the results of a pie-eating contest, we haven’t spent any time praising Gov. Katie Hobbs. But thanks to her and the voters there, Arizona is protecting the right to an abortion. More: USA Today

Note 18: We missed this yesterday but Delaware state Sen. Sarah McBride is running for Congress. She would be the first trans member if she wins. Let’s go! More: Vox

Note 19: Apparently in Florida a racist white lady can murder a Black woman and get away with it. But we suppose we already knew that. Getting easier and easier to take Rick Scott’s advice and stay the fuck away from the Sunshine State. More: CNN

Note 20: We don’t want to end on that ugliness. Did you know there is United States Senator named Markwayne. That’s his first name. Possibly his middle name too. And he’s exactly what you’d expect from a Markwayne. More: HuffPost

Note 21: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news (even if we know the basic formula these days). We hope your week is off to a great start, and if you’re in Florida, well, we’re sorry. Love y’all!

Phew

So some of our biggest fears have been assuaged as this morning SCOTUS released its opinion in the so-called independent state legislature case out of North Carolina. A 6-3 majority said no a bunch of backwards fucking statehouses don’t get to decide elections. This was one of the big ones we were really worried about, and it’s still pretty goddamn terrifying that there are three judges on the court who would’ve completely destroyed American democracy. But today we can exhale. Until Thursday and Friday when the next opinions come out and these assholes remind us who and what they really are.

More: HuffPost

Georgia Jack

Special counsel Jack Smith is heading to Georgia to interview Brad Raffensperger. Yeah, it seems ol’ Jack ain’t done with the Jan. 6 stuff and a certain orange traitor should be really fucking worried. You might remember Raffensperber as the secretary of state Trump called asking him to find him just 11,000 more votes. Despite that damning tape, this is somehow Raffensperger’s first interview with DOJ. Seriously how the fuck is that possbile?

More: NBC

Oh dear

Yesterday afternoon CNN got the full tapes of Trump showing an interviewer classified military plans for dealing with Iran. In his efforts to hurt Gen. Milley, Trump and his aides were laughing and sharing classified documents with Mark Meadows’s fucking ghostwriters. This is about as damning as it gets. But we thought the same thing about the Access Hollywood tape so what the fuck do we know?

More: CNN

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden on Monday, in his first public comments addressing the short-lived rebellion that unfolded this weekend against Russian military leaders and threatening the rule of President Vladimir Putin, insisted that the U.S.and its NATO allies were in no way involved. More: ABC

Outside a Harlem subway station, Yusef Salaam, a candidate for New York City Council, hurriedly greeted voters streaming out along Malcolm X Boulevard. For some, no introductions were necessary. They knew his face, his name and his life story. More: NBC

Donald Trump on Monday praised anti-vaxxer Democratic presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to multiple outlets on Monday ― and a few of the comments were doozies. More: HuffPost

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