6.26.24 Another Cool Adam

Be advised: This newsletter cusses. It comes in handy when some human garbage wins her primary in Colorado.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we’ve got some bad news. Hey, TBS, you’re so good looking and you always have bad news! Well, we can’t argue with you there. But this one kinda pissed us off. By now you’ve probably seen that Lauren Boebert won her primary. That’s right. The semiliterate dipshit who gave her boyfriend a low five in a crowded theater and then switched districts actually fucking won. And really, what else do you need to know about the Republican Party these days? But there is a silver lining here.

We get to beat her.

That’s right. Republicans are too gross and broken to do the right thing and take out that trash. So we’re gonna have to do it for them. Sound like a plan? Ok cool. Shake on it? LOL. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Good news, everybody. The relentless smear campaign accusing the president of the United States of being on drugs was just a big joke. How Christian.

Note three: Speaking of the asshead Speaker of the House, he and his corrupt friends are making a desperate last-ditch effort to keep Steve Bannon out of jail. We are so sick of this shit. More: Yahoo

Note four: Jamaal Bowman lost his primary last night too. And to be honest, we’re fine with it. Nobody can say and do that much dumb shit and expect to win. At least not in our party. More: CNN

Note five: The miserable scum who called for Pride flags to be burned lost his primary. We hope he spends today eating shit and thinking about why everyone hates him. More: HuffPost

Note six: Can you imagine how the press would be howling if Joe Biden was conspiring with the Russian president to keep an American journalist imprisoned on bullshit espionage charges unless he wins the election?

Note seven: A former North Dakota state senator is pleading guilty to traveling overseas to have sex with minors. And he’s not a drag queen. Just another Republican scumbag. More: AP

Note eight: The Supreme Court once again punted on Trump’s immunity claims. So yeah, they’re waiting until the last possible minute. Fuckers. Maybe tomorrow.

Note nine: The court did say it was ok for the Biden team to work with social media companies to try and limit misinformation. Must suck for the Twitter Files idiots. More: NBC

Note 10: Can y’all fucking believe there’s a presidential debate tomorrow night?

Note 11: Why can’t Republicans find like normal human beings to run for the Senate?

Note 12: RFK Jr. is planning his own debate. It’ll just be him and the 40 super fucking crazy voices in his head. More: NPR

Note 13: The Bob’s Burgers asshole who attacked our Capitol is going to plead guilty. It sucks how many of our favorite shows this guy shows up in. Hell, he was on Mr. Show! More: Deadline

Note 14: Some scummy Trump judges have again stopped Biden from canceling student loans. This is so fucked up. So Trump might be able to murder people, but Biden can’t forgive debt. Make it make sense. More: CNBC

Note 15: Ugh. There’s a new Mitt Romney. We didn’t even like the old one. More: HuffPost

Note 16: Ok this is pretty hilarious…

Note 17: Wow. The Oklahoma Supreme Court has gone woke. Or just not entirely stupid. More: CNN

Note 18: Remember Ed Henry? Of course you don’t. He’s one of the guys who got fired from Fox News for being a sexual predator only to resurface in Trumpland media as a hero. Well, you won’t believe this, but he’s in trouble for being a piece of shit again. More: Mediaite

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to draw your attention to President Biden’s plan today to pardon LGBTQ+ military veterans who were convicted on a military law that banned gay sex. Biden is a good man, and we are happy to see this. More: CNN

Note 20: And on that tear-jerking note, let’s go do some news! We wish y’all could see the steam coming out of our ears over this Supreme Court bullshit. It’s so fucking obvious what they’re doing. Goddamnit. Love y’all!

Another Cool Adam

There are a lot of Republicans who don’t like Trump. Or at least like three of them. And one of those endorsed Joe Biden this morning. Adam Kinzinger, who basically lost his career for saying Trump shouldn’t attack the U.S. Capitol and injure a bunch of cops, threw his support behind Biden this morning. We’re not sure this moves the needle, but we’re happy to see it. We always thought Kinzinger was sort of an asshole, but we have to give credit where it’s due and thank him for standing up for what’s right.

More: HuffPost

LOLOL

You know how the media treats Trump like some kind of unstoppable king? Well his actual record is pretty shitty. And last night it got shittier. Three of Trump’s endorsed candidates lost their primaries last night as GOP primary voters opted for non-crazy non-dickhead candidates. The new Mitt beat Trump’s candidate in Utah, and that bigoted homophobic shithead in Colorado was his too. Oh well. At least he gets to keep Bobo.

More: Politico

Listen to them

So Republicans are coming for IVF. They can lie about it all day long, but we know the truth. And one fuckhead GOPer just came right out and made it clear. U.S. Rep. Matt Rosendale is planning to file an amendment to the Defense funding bill that would ban funding for the use of IVF. He calls the practice “morally wrong.” So this is who they are. Who are we? And why the effing fuck isn’t this bigger news?!

More: The Hill

Today’s clips

The seven-day average of migrant apprehensions has dropped more than 40% to less than 2,400 encounters per day since President Joe Biden’s executive action barring asylum at the US southern border went into effect about three weeks ago, the Department of Homeland Security said. More: CNN