6.26.23 GOP Daddy Danger

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. It was gonna be a sewing newsletter but we don’t know shit about sewing.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the hell was your weekend? Crazy as all hell? Well we certainly feel that. Can you believe it all happened just to distract from Hunter Biden? Of course you can’t. Because you’re not a fucking moron. That said, shit has really been popping off since we last saw y’all and we’re sure gonna do our best to make sense of it. But first, we’d like to address this…

He got indicted for us?! Awww shucks. And here we didn’t get him anything except these two middle fingers. Yeah, orangey was talking endless shit this weekend and promising to be the most dickish dictator ever if he gets back in the Oval Office, but this line was our favorite. He got indicted for us. So here is a short list of some other shit he can do for us…

• Go the fuck away

• Eat shit

• Go the fuck away

• Kiss our asses

• Die in prison

• Go the fuck away

• Go back in time and not have any dumbshit kids

• Go the fuck away

We saw a chance there to make some jokes and tell the Jackass of Jan. 6 to fuck off a few times, but the thing to really keep in mind from this weekend was that orange assface declaring “I got it done” about overturning Roe. On the one year anniversary of millions of women having their basic human rights stripped from them, Trump took a victory lap. And we’re not gonna forget it.

Are you?

Note two: The Pride marches from this weekend looked freaking amazing. We hope y’all got out there and shook a tailfeather. More: Vox

Note three: We were really torn who to go with first, but let’s just do it in order of how long we’ve been cussing them — fuuuuuuuuuck Lance Armstrong. More: Yahoo Sports

Note four: And fuuuuuuuuuck Megan McCain. Who was her dad again? More: The Wrap

Note five: We see you Gov. Pritzker! What does taking a jello shot at a Pride parade do for TBS’s Pritzker approval ratings? Through the roof!

Note six: Gregg Abbott seems like a good governor. He tweeted out a hoax about Garth Brooks being booed off stage. Abbott only fucked up the made-up festival and the made-up Texas town. More: HuffPost

Note seven: We hate to link to Axios since it is absolute garbage and they fired a reporter for rightly calling out Ron DeSantis’s propaganda, but this story about Biden breaking through on immigration is important and we haven’t seen it elsewhere. More: Axios

Note eight: This motherfucker. Fresh off wrecking CNN and getting rid of the name HBO, David Zaslav is now fucking with TCM. We were told liberals control Hollywood. More: New Republic

Note nine: If you want to cry this morning, read the WaPo story about John Fetterman being “grateful” to be alive. The paper’s paywall is down this week, so you just need an email address to get in. More: Washington Post

Note 10: How in THE hell does this broken-brained dipshit still have a job?

Note 11: We were gonna show one of those pictures of a shirtless RFK Jr. showing that steroids are bad but then we remembered we actually really like y’all. He looks like something Lou Ferrigno shat out. NO LINK

Note 12: Kevin McCarthy was on Fox this morning talking about impeaching Merrick Garland, and Republicans spent the weekend calling for a special counsel or more for Hunter Biden. The people who drank at the Trump Hotel for four years and then spent the last two years covering up a domestic terrorist attack on the Capitol are very worried about corruption. More: The Hill

Note 13: ProPublica read the Wall Street Journal to filth. Where are the follow-ups from the rest of the news media? Oh right. They’re corrupt and useless. More: ProPublica

Note 14: Newsmax staffers just got smacked with subpoenas by Smartmatic. LOL. Making matters worse, they work for Newsmax. More: Rolling Stone

Note 15: This was probably our favorite tweet yesterday. Marge thinks her television is trying to assassinate her. We get it. Our fridge is trying to take us out, and we think the microwave is in on it.

Note 16: We mentioned earlier what a hilarious bad governor Greg Abbott is. But he’s a way worse human being. He vetoed a bill that would make it easier for people with disabilities to vote. We don’t have anything clever to say. That’s just straight up fucking evil. More: Texas Tribune

Note 17: If you’re like us, you are endlessly disgusted that Trump has never been charged for Jan. 6. Well good news — Jack Smith has given immunity to two of Trump’s fake electors in exchange for cooperation. Or maybe it’s good news. Who the hell knows anymore? More: CNN

Note 18: Rudy Giuliani was sanctioned by a judge last week for not producing records in the defamation case brought by Ruby Freeman and Shay Moss. He has to pay their attorneys fees. When reached for comment, Giuliani said something about 9/11 and then soiled himself. More: Reuters

Note 19: The White House is launching the “Bidenomics” tour with a $42 billion high-speed internet announcement. Really? DarkBrandonomics was right there. More: HuffPost

Note 20: On that hacky and uplifting note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had a great weekend and were as touched as we were to learn that Trump has been indicted for us. What else can he do for us? Shoot us an email and let us know. Love y’all!

GOP Daddy Danger

Russian President and informal RNC consultant Vladmir Putin fled Moscow this weekend as his mercenary boss attempted a short-lived and very confusing coup before fleeing to Belarus. Yeah, we wouldn’t be going near any windows or food for a while if we were that dude. What was really revealing though was the palpable fear right-wingers in our country were feeling that their masculine hero was going to go down. So yeah, if you spent the weekend worrying about Putin and shitting on Biden then you’re probably not the patriot you think you are. Or at least not for this country.

More: HuffPost

Hell yeah!

SCOTUS did it again. They did the right thing and have really freaked us out. This morning they blocked a Louisiana congressional map and ordered the state to redraw it to add a majority Black seat. This is good and appropriate and oh holy shit what are these corrupt fuckers up to? We’re still waiting for Moore v. Harper so maybe this was the last thing they wanted to do before they destroy democracy.

More: CNN

Seems like a story?

For the first time in 164 years, the Marines will not have a commandant. Why? Well because a college football coach who became a US Senator is holding military promotions because he doesn’t get to decide abortion policy for the whole military. Now maybe we’re just being cynical, but this seems like a huge story to us. Especially when the senator in question — Tommy Tuberville — said recently he thinks white nationalists are good Americans. Try to imagine the coverage if a Democrat did this shit.

More: Military.com

Today’s clips

A former federal judge once lauded by the right for his conservative legal opinions delivered a scathing rebuke of the Republican Party for its continued fealty to Donald Trump. More: HuffPost

Former President Donald Trump has expanded his lead over Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis and the rest of the Republican presidential field since Trump’s latest indictment on federal criminal charges, according to a new national NBC News poll. More: NBC

If you have a friend or family member looking for a sexy, American newsletter piped straight to their inbox each morning, tell them about us! And then have them subscribe at the link below: