6.22.23 Durham blues

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It also uses the carpool lane when no one else is in the car.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the heck are you today? Brain melting from an apocalyptic crescendo of stupid? Ours too! But damn y’all manage to make it look good. Us? We see headlines like this and we feel the brain leaking out of our ears, down our bodies, onto our shoes and into a shit-filled sewer…

Musk vs. Zuck! Marjorie vs. Bobo! Trump vs. DeSantis! RFK Jr. vs. the coffee table that keeps laughing at him! Our heads vs. our desks! It’s all happening!

DUMBFUCK FIGHT!!!!!!

The American Dipshit-lympics are gonna be off the hook! The people who didn’t grow up watching fake wrestling on Saturday mornings are going to be so ill-prepared for next year. We promise to be here with y’all through it all as we join together to navigate the endless fucked up dumbness of American politics.

And if you’re planning to bet on any of those contests, the smart money is on Zuck. Musk is a big clumsy nazi moron, but he spends most of his time kissing @Catturd’s ass. Zuck is scarier. Of the two of them, we’re guessing Zuck knows what people taste like. Advantage Zuck. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: And if you missed the MGT vs. Bobo silliness, these two cretinous crapheads were having a little fight on the House floor while House Republicans were punishing Adam Schiff for telling the truth. Because they’re so worried about decorum, MGT at one point referred to Bobo as a “little bitch.” Classy as a motherfucker. More: The Wrap

Note three: One of the Moms for Liberty chapters in Indiana actually used a fucking Hitler quote in their newsletter. And when they got caught, they acted like they did it on purpose. How miserable does your life have to be to join a group like this? More: Indy Star

Note four: Tomorrow we’re going to be talking about this weekend and the one-year anniversary of Dobbs. We’re going to be cussing to the point that steam comes out of our ears in the shape of little middle fingers, so you’ve been warned. More: FiveThirtyEight

Note five: We keep telling y’all how fucking stupid next year is gonna be. Maybe we should just show you…

Note six: Texas AG Ken Paxton’s impeachment trial is set for Sept. 5. They made the rules for the trial yesterday, and the committee decided his wife can attend but not vote in it. It’s just good common sense and it gave Texas Rs a chance to deprive a woman of the right to vote. More: AP News

Note seven: Put this in the ABOUT GODDAMN TIME file, but the investigation into the Secret Service agents who deleted their texts and emails from Jan. 5-6 is now a criminal investigation. And it only took two years. More: NBC News

Note eight: Congratulations to Judge Natasha Merle! Vice President Harris had to come in and break the tie because Merle worked for the NAACP and that’s apparently a great way to lose Joe Manchin’s vote. We see you, Manchin. More: NAACPLDF

Note nine: Y’all we want to apologize for something. We criticize the media A LOT, mostly for being completely out of touch with their fellow Americans and kissing loads and loads of Republican ass. But we fucked up like they did this week and we need to apologize. We haven’t been making a big deal of the billionaire Titanic submarine stuff mostly because the stuff we write about is its own kind of crazy. But we have mentioned it a couple times. Which is a couple times more than we’ve mentioned the fishing boat with hundreds of migrants trying to get from Libya to Italy that sank last week. We’re embarrassed we didn’t see it, and we’re sorry. More: NBC News

Note 10: Yes, this is a totally serious person running a totally serious campaign…

Note 11: Big PhaRMA is suing Joe Biden. They don’t like that he’s lowering drug prices. But he didn’t call anyone a gutless pig so the press doesn't really care. More: HuffPost

Note 12: The Women’s World Cup is this summer and we are so freaking fired up. The USWMT announced its roster yesterday with a little help from the Bidens and Taylor Swift (SCREAMS!!!!!) More: Independent

Note 13: And while we’re on sports, the NBA draft is tonight. If y’all haven’t seen that Wemby kid everyone is talking about, do yourself a favor and watch this!

Note 14: Btw, Sam’s colonoscopy went great yesterday. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts to everyone who sent a note. And thank you to the doctor who found out where Mike Pence hides when he’s not campaigning.

Note 15: We’re gonna talk more about this in the news section, but here is former Speaker Pelosi skinning the GOP alive…

Note 16: Yesterday the human skimark who electrocuted Officer Michael Fanone on Jan. 6 was sentenced to 12-and-a-half years in prison. As he was being led out, the miserable scum yelled out “Trump won!” LOL. Sure, bud. Have fun in the clink! More: NBC News

Note 17: Btw, Fanone’s response was to ask when the fuck Trump is getting indicted for sending those dumbshits to attack the Capitol. It’s a damn good question.

Note 18: The Supreme Court went back to its habit of releasing shit-ass opinions today, but we still don’t have anything on Moore v. Harper so we anxiously wait until tomorrow morning. More: CNN

Note 19: We try to end on a note that will either make you smile or laugh so here’s today’s — Will Hurd is running for president. Made us laugh our asses off after we looked him up. More: CNN

Note 20: And on that knee-slapper of a note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having a fantastic week, and we hope you’ll get your ass checked out like Sam did yesterday. We love you, Sexy Patriots. Have a great day!

Durham blues

John Durham does not appear to be a very smart or honest man. Maybe Gym Jordan should’ve thought about that before he had the crooked fuck come before his committee to get completely embarrassed and exposed by House Democrats. Under intense questioning from Adam Schiff, Ted Lieu and others, it became very clear that Durham spent the last several years watching Fox News before copying the IG report and adding some dumb shit to it. House Republicans continue to have nothing except the Capitol Hill press.

Here they go again

Remember when Joe Biden warned the country that Republicans are coming for Social Security and Medicare like they always fucking have? And remember when the press tried to cast doubt on that assertion? Well House Rs are once again helping prove Dark Brandon’s point. The House Republican Study Committee is saying it wants to privatize Medicare and raise the retirement age. So maybe Dark Brandon was telling the truth. But honestly we feel like we should send these dumb motherfuckers a muffin basket or something for trying so damn hard to help us retake the House.

More: Semafor

A broken House

Donald Trump asked a crazy QAnon person in Congress to go after Adam Schiff and every single Republican complied. Yep, even those moderates we keep hearing about but never seem to see. Yesterday after Schiff completely dismantled John Durham, House Republicans voted to censure Schiff for telling the truth about Trump and Russia. It was a really sickening display in an arena where we have seen A LOT of sickening displays lately. We suspect Schiff will get the last laugh though. Republicans are now talking about expelling him, and the reality is they probably just got him elected to the Senate. Kevin McCarthy is a disgrace and a joke, and everyone who isn’t a Capitol Hill reporter can see it quite clearly.

Today’s clips

Robert F. Kennedy Jr. said Wednesday he believes Russia acted in “good faith” amid the Kremlin’s invasion of Ukraine, adding the U.S., in fact, bore heavy responsibility for the ongoing war. More: HuffPost

Vice President Kamala Harris will deliver a major speech in North Carolina on June 24 as part of the Biden administration's plans to mark the anniversary of the Supreme Court’s reversal of Roe v. Wade, a White House official said Thursday. More: NBC News

Special counsel Jack Smith has turned over the first batch of evidence in the classified documents case to former President Donald Trump’s legal team, according to a court filing Wednesday. More: NBC News

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