6.21.23 Eat the moderates

It’s Wednesday. There are 503 days until the presidential election. Celebrating another judiciary win, Sam Alito is a corrupt gutless punk and some delicious election results.

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. It also occasionally sings 1980s rock ballads.

Note: Hey there, SPs! If it’s cool with y’all, we’d like to try something a little different today. We’re still gonna cuss insurrectionist scum and the reporters who cover them to hell and back, but we thought we’d take a second to try and be semi-serious and responsible.

The reason you are getting TBS a little earlier than usual today is because Sam had to be up super early to go and get a colonoscopy. Don’t worry. It’s from an actual doctor this time (the cartoon rabbit in the white coat was very convincing). And we figured this might be a good time to preach to y’all about the importance of getting yourself checked out.

Now we know a lot of people are worried about the prep, but it ain’t that big of a deal. You’ve lived through four years of Trump as president and you’re worried about spending a whole day shitting? After the last few years of stress-eating gummy bears and anger, it actually feels pretty good to cleanse. And you never know where you might find Lindsey Graham these days.

Here’s the real — The number of young adults with colon cancer has grown over the last several years and doctors aren’t really sure why. And that’s why it’s so fucking important. This evil shit took Sam’s mom and Black Panther, and the world is worse off for having lost both. That’s why we take it very seriously, and that’s why we are sticking you with a mental image of Sam’s bowel prep for the day. Ever seen Dumb and Dumber?

The bottom line is we love you and we need you here to help us save democracy. So go get your ass checked out. By a doctor. Y’all have a blessed day.

More: CNN

Note two: This morning Gym Jordan is lying repeatedly as his bullshit House committee has John Durham testifies. If you like lying or feeling nauseous, you should tune in. Remember when Jake Tapper said that garbage report exonerated Trump? Not sure he can blame that on Chris Licht. More: CNN

Note three: So we were away for much of the I-95 collapse discussion and HOLY SHIT they’re already almost done fixing it?! Josh Shapiro gets shit done! And so does union labor!

Note four: Lauren Boebert and Marjorie are gonna impeach Biden. LOL. Awesome. Bring it, Bobo Taylor Greene. What do y’all think the odds are they think actual peaches are involved? They’re also going after Schiff again. They’ll probably get to inflation of whatever the fuck they ran on any day now. More: The Hill

Note five: Here’s Trump praising JFK Jr. (who QAnon says is still alive and a Trump supporter) when he means to praise RFK Jr. (who is still alive and appears to be a QAnon supporter).

Note six: Marianne Williamson lost another campaign manager yesterday. This might really hurt her chances. At what we have no idea. More: Business Insider

Note seven: Wanna hear something truly fucked up? Vanderbilt hospital handed over confidential patient records to the state’s MAGA AG so he can continue his gross and evil anti-trans crusade. Vandy is claiming they had no choice, and we’re claiming that’s bullshit. They didn’t even give the patients a heads up. Guess we can add Vandy to the list of shit we respected pre-Trump. More: Tennessean

Note eight: A federal judge said yesterday that Arkansas’s ban on gender-affirming care is unconstitutional. We’re seeing this a lot. These cruel scummy statehouse’s passed these fucked up laws and judges are tossing them after glancing at them. We continue to be grateful the people we’re up against are dumber than doorknobs. Or really any kind of knob. More: NBC

Note nine: We have no idea if Elvis’s kin can actually win in Mississippi, but we’re sure pulling for him over the Robert E. Loser they got now. Tornados hit his state and he goes to a goddamn fundraiser in Alabama. More: AP

Note 10: And that ain’t even the worst thing he’s done this week! More: Mississippi Free Press

Note 11: People always forget the part of the New Testament that says fuck them poor people because the lord needs his putt-putt…

Note 12: We’re so excited we can’t stand it. A judge has ordered the names of George Santos’s bail guarantors to be revealed on Thursday. Now we wait to see if George was telling the truth when he said he’d rather go to jail than reveal them. LOLOL!!!! More: CNBC

Note 13: Republicans are still crying over Hunter Biden. But they’re also still crying over Hillary so maybe those dumb sonsofbitches just like crying.

Note 14: Moms for Liberty made friends with the Proud Boys. While they are repulsive groups of people, we are excited for the coming mash-up Proud Moms for Liberty Boys. This is actually really scary shit, but we have to admit we made ourselves laugh with that name. More: Vice

Note 15: We rarely think of Geraldo and we do it’s usually to chuckle at the distant memory of him and that empty vault. But now he has been let go from Fox’s The Five and at least one Democrat (Eddie Vale) is asking if it’s because he called out the Hunter stuff as bullshit.

Note 16: Trump lost Georgia again yesterday. Brad Raffensperger, who is by no means a hero, closed the investigation into those suitcases filled with ballots we heard so much about. More: WSB-TV2

Note 17: Is anyone else totally freaking geeked for the Women’s World Cup? The US team is unveiling its roster today!!!! More: Today

Note 18: Did anybody else not sleep for shit last night after hearing that planes heard “banging” in the area where that sub disappeared? This whole thing if a fucking horror movie, but goddamnit it’s sure hard to root for a careless billionaire. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We’ve been trying to end on happy notes lately, and we think we’ve got a good one for you today. For your reading enjoyment, here is VP Harris on the late Tina Turner… More: Rolling Stone

Note 20: And on that awesome note, let’s go do some news and then see how many old out-of-state license plates they find in Sam’s colon! We’re probably kidding about that part, but we do think this stuff is important and we hope you get checked out. Love y’all!

Here comes the judge

It sure seems like everytime we’ve gone to put TBS together the last week or so there has been a great new judge confirmed by the Senate. That is the case again today as we are thrilled to congratulate Judge Julie Rikelman. If that name sounds familiar it’s because she fought before the Supreme Court to save Roe. A tireless fighter for women’s rights, Judge Rikelman is also making history as the first immigrant woman and first Jewish judge on the 1st Circuit Appeal Court. Rikelman is Biden’s 135th federal judicial confirmation. Let’s keep it going!

More: HuffPost

Fuck off, Sam (not our Sam)

You’d think a man who spends 23 hours a day draining the blood from dead rats wouldn’t have time to write a bullshit oped for the Wall Street Journal in which he makes it pretty goddamn obvious that he was the Dobbs leaker, but Sam Alito made time. Yesterday evening, Alito published an oped in the WSJ after being asked a series of questions about his relationship to billionaire GOP donor Paul Singer. Instead of answering the questions like a decent human being, Alito went to his friends at the WSJ to whine about what a waste it would be for private jet seats to go unused. In his haste to be a dickhead, the miserable shitlick seems to have accidentally clued everyone in to the fact that he was obviously the Dobbs leaker. Anyway, Sam Alito can eat shit, kiss our asses and fuck off. Doesn’t have to be in that order. And please make sure you read every word of this story on just how corrupt that dirty motherfucker really is.

More: ProPublica

Eat the moderates

We totally dropped the ball on previewing yesterday’s Virginia primaries for you, and we are sorry about that. But we’re not sorry that Trump trash Amanda Chase lost and Lashrecse Aird won. They weren’t running against each other since these are primaries, but Chase was bad news and Aird beat an anti-abortion Democrat. Y’all ready to make Glen Youngkin’s life hell this November?

Today’s clips

A conservative candidate who unsuccessfully ran for Mark Meadows’ former House seat in North Carolina in 2020 and was endorsed by then-President Donald Trump was sentenced Tuesday to one year of probation for violating federal campaign law. More: CNN

Donald Trump didn’t quite seem to grasp one of his own major policy proposals during a Fox News interview airing on Monday evening. More: HuffPost