6.20.23 The Deep State gets Hunter Biden

Be advised: This newsletter ain’t cussed out a politician in three goddamn days so y’all get ready.

Note: Sexy Patriots, we have let you down. We are so dang sorry, but it’s true. We had hoped that by parodying and mocking and cussing every idiotic fucking thing that’s happened in this country’s political arena for the last five years we might also be preparing you for just how goddamn dumb next year is gonna be. But we must apologize. We have failed you.

This past weekend we watched the dude who hosted Fear Factor team up with the hair-plugged nazi asshat who bought twitter and a host of other politics Kato Kaelins to bully a vaccine scientist and all-around hero until some deranged lunatic actually showed up at the doctor’s fucking house. And it was all ignored by the MSM like it was the most normal shit in the world.

So since we have totally fucked up and not prepared you at all for next year, we would like to take a moment to remedy that. So here is a short dispatch from the near future courtesy of the TBS Time Machine…

Welcome, viewers. We are just days away from the Iowa caucuses. It has been a week since former President Donald Trump, who just last month changed his name to Hot Beefcake McButtcheeks, tried to give Ron DeSantis a literal spanking on a debate stage only to miss and lightly smack himself in the testicles leaving both men red-faced and sobbing as Mike Pence called for “mother” from inside his secure bullet-proof debate pod and DeSantis tried desperately to pull up his pants before Hot Beefcake McButtcheeks could regain his bearings. Hot Beefcake McButtcheeks is still leading the field but Herman Cain’s twitter account has rocketed to second place ever since DeSantis’s homemade “It’s a Small World” erotic video was leaked and since Elon Musk had a rocket “accidentally'' explode over Chris Christie’s house shortly after declaring Christie a “pro-fluoride antifa farthead.” The incident is still being investigated. The Capitol was attacked again for the fourth time this week — the second time since Mitch McConnell was cooked and eaten on the Senate floor by moderate Nancy Mace and a gang of Proud Boys following CNN’s Unity Right Fucking Now! Townhall with host Roseanne Barr — and House Republicans have voted to just leave RFK Jr.’s shit on the walls this time after washing it off three prior times only to see him return time and again to make crude drawings on the Capitol walls with his own crazy dung. Meanwhile, President Joe Biden continued to face a 38 percent approval rating as the unemployment rate ticked down to 1.2 percent. From all of us here at TBS Future News, good night and seriously good fucking luck, America.

Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We hope you had a wonderful and reflective Juneteenth. It sure made all the racists very angry to not have to work yesterday. What a bunch of assholes. More: HuffPost

Note three: Trump got a trial date today in Judge Aileen Cannon’s fake court — Aug. 14. But our understanding is that date will most definitely get pushed back. Or that corrupt idiot will pronounce Trump innocent and king of the universe. More: HuffPost

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Note four: We have to be honest — We have no fucking idea who Andrew Tate is. But we know that scumbags like Elon love the dude, so we’re not that surprised to see him and his brother charged with rape and human trafficking. We don’t know him, but lock his ass up. More: BBC

Note five: BTW, anybody comes at you with that RFK Jr. shit, you just show them this. We ain’t treating this mothernutter like he’s on the level, you dig?

Note six: The NYT has a story today about how Gym Jordan has systematically weaponized his committee to go after Americans who research election and vaccine disinformation. Seems pretty goddamn bad to us. How long until he’s asked if Democrats are too woke? More: NY Times (Paywall)

Note seven: Remember the name John Eastman? He’s the piece of shit lawyer who tried to help Trump pull off a coup. Well his efforts are about to go under the spotlight in LA as decent people try to get his crooked ass disbarred. He should be slowly dying in a prison cell but this is a nice start. More: CNN

Note eight: You know how Ken Paxton has been impeached and the state Senate will have a trial? Well Paxton’s wife is a state Senator and she says she’s not recusing. Seems like a family that really digs the law. More: CNN

Note nine: We read the WaPo story about the FBI slow-walking the Jan. 6 case into Trump. We don’t believe every word of it, but we do believe that Merrick Garland is a coward and a weakling. We also have known for a while that Chris Wray is Trump trash who for some reason enjoys a free pass from Democrats. More: CNN

Note 10: Earlier in this newsletter we referred to Jan. 6 truther Elon Musk as a scumbag. Maybe that’s not fair. So let’s take a look and see what he’s been liking on twitter…

Note 11: Yikes! What the fuck is happening in the North Carolina statehouse? Group sex for votes? Sounds like a Newt thing. More: WSOCTV

Note 12: Yesterday Joe Biden criticized Sen. Tommy Tuberville’s hold on military promotions as “bizarre.” Really, Joe? You don’t want to try again? Dude is a fucking football coach who defends white nationalists and says inner city teachers can’t read and “bizarre” is what you come up with? Do better, Dark Brandon. And also where the fuck are Senate Democrats on this? How easy is it to go months at a time forgetting that Cory Booker even exists? More: AL

Note 13: Very cool to see VP Harris give remarks on Juneteenth at the Greek in LA last night. It doesn’t get said enough, but she’s a fantastic VP and we’re lucky to have her. More: CNN

Note 14: Trump went on Fox News and confessed some more last night. A lot of people were excited to welcome Bret Baier back into the real journalist club. But we read the dominion emails and we won’t be doing that shit. More: HuffPost

Note 15: This made us laugh and then sigh. We’re not ready for how dumb next year will be either…

Note 16: Speaking of RFJ Jr., read this story from NBC if you want to see the real him and just how fucking scary he is… More: NBC

Note 17: We don’t have any jokes about that missing Titanic submarine. Seems dumb and tragic like most of the shit super rich people are doing these days. More: ABC

Note 18: How fucked up and cruel is Texas Gov. Greg Abbott? He signed a law that guts local laws requiring water breaks for construction workers. In Texas. More: HuffPost

Note 19: Australia doesn’t want Don Jr. to come to their country and now we really want to go there. You gotta admire a nation with standards. More: Independent

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news! We sure missed y’all these last few days and it’s just wonderful to be back with you. Sorry we ran a little long with the opening note. Hope y’all have an awesome day!

Two more weeks?

That’s how long Donald Trump said it would take to get his healthcare plan and yet we wait. In the meantime, Republicans in red states have found new and dastardly ways to deprive poor and struggling people of healthcare by adding more post-pandemic red tape. Right now the estimate is that about 1.5 million people have been dropped from Medicaid in the last two months since the COVID emergency was declared over. Yes, that's a passive sentence. Republicans have been enjoying fucking with people’s healthcare, which is reflected in the 140,000 people who have lost coverage under Sarah Huckabee Sanders and her scummy tweets celebrating. It really blows our minds just how much these evil motherfuckers hate Americans. Well fuck them too.

More: HuffPost

Got ‘im

A Trump-appointed US Attorney has reached a plea agreement to bring charges against Hunter Biden. The younger Biden — the president’s only surviving son — will plead guilty to $1.2 million in tax evasion and a gun charge. He’s getting two years probation and has to go to rehab. If you or someone you know is an addict, then you know how painful this shit is. You also know how fucking grotesque it is to watch Republicans and their friends in the media use it for sport. We’re pulling for Hunter, but this looks like the law working the way it’s supposed to. Prepare for lots of whining for people who were hoping they could drive Hunter back to drugs or worse.

More: BBC

What makes America great

Organizers of a Pride festival in a small Michigan town thought only a few hundred people would show. But instead thousands did. And it seems like they had a blast. Why? Because most Americans aren’t backwards bigoted fuckheads who walk around wearing nazi shit and brandishing machine guns. Most of us are pretty goddamn decent. But we won’t lie — we needed this story and we’re glad we can share it with you.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Donald Trump said his daughter Ivanka Trump and son-in-law Jared Kushner will not serve in his administration if he is elected president again in 2024 because it was “too painful for the family” last time. More: HuffPost

A federal judge issued a protective order Monday barring former President Donald Trump from disclosing on social media — or keeping — evidence the government is set to turn over to him in the classified documents case. More: NBC