6.18.24 Thank you, Mr. President

Be advised: This newsletter cusses but only when it’s about to fucking lose it.

Note: Sexy Patriots! We’re wearing a shoe on our heads and a hat on our feet! No, we’re not drunk, and we haven’t completely lost what little was left of our shit. We’re just leaning into everything being totally upside-fucking-down and stupid and this seemed like a good way to do it. We’ve also started wearing a jockstrap as a belt, assless yoga pants and a shitload of orange makeup. We look totally nuts! Sorta like the idea that this shit isn’t bigger news or a bigger part of this election’s narrative…

Whoa! Seems like a big fucking deal, don’t it? Like the kind of thing that the news should talk about A LOT?! ARGH!!!! Look, we get that the stock market isn’t the economy. We get that people are still hurting. But are we pretending that shit wasn’t also true when Trump was president and everyone was kissing his ass for not fucking up the economy Obama built?! The American economy is the envy of the goddamn world right now, and it was like 15 fucking minutes ago that we didn’t have toilet paper or jobs. Have we really lost our North Star so badly that we’re gonna fuck over the best economic president of our lifetimes for a rapist fuckhead who craps himself at the mention of sharks? Are things really that hat-on-feet upside-down?!

Of course not. And that’s what’s keeping us sane. Or sane while still wearing a jockstrap as a belt and a fucking Nike on our head. But we have to believe that once America really dials in to this election, they’re gonna remember what a horrible asshole and shitty president Trump is/was. Right? Isn’t that how it’s going to go? Probably? Please tell us that’s what’s gonna happen. Otherwise we’re gonna go hide under the fucking bed. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Which was more upsetting? The assless yoga pants or the orange makeup?

Note three: We can’t bring ourselves to congratulate the Boston Celtics, so we’ll just say congrats to the Sexy Patriots who are Celtics fans. More: ESPN

Note four: It really looks like the Washington Post is about to become the New York Post. And that’s about as sad as it fucking gets, y’all. More: Hollywood Reporter

Note five: It seems like Matt Gaetz is in trouble. So when the hell is he gonna face some consequences?

Note six: New York’s highest court ain’t interested in lifting Trump’s gag order. Oh well. More: NBC

Note seven: It’s an election day in several states. If you live there, please vote. It’s important.

Note eight: We don’t know New Jersey politics well enough to be mind-blown by all of this, but it seems pretty huge. More: AP

Note nine: We are so fucking sick and fucking tired of these fake videos about Biden. And we know they’re only going to get worse. More: NBC

Note 10: It’s pretty crazy to see an entire political party devote itself to kissing orange ass…

Note 11: Freak fight! Jesse Ventura is big mad he got passed over to be the brain worm idiot’s running mate. Hilarious. More: Washington Times

Note 12: The heat out there is no joke. Please be safe!

Note 13: Justin Timberlake was arrested. It’s not politics, but it’s interesting. Especially if you’re Team Janet like us. More: HuffPost

Note 14: Can y’all fucking believe there’s a goddamn debate next week?!

Note 15: These are the assholes supposedly winning over Black voters?

Note 16: After talking about how much he hates Milwaukee, orange shithead is going to Wisconsin. We hope they give him a warm welcome. More: CNN

Note 17: It’s probably not good that Secret Service agents are getting robbed. Man, that agency is a dang mess. More: CNN

Note 18: Is anyone reading Fauci’s book? We have to admit we didn’t even know it was out, but we are definitely intrigued. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we share with you this fantastic story about fantastic father Marlon Wayans. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that badass note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are hanging in there and not yet at the point where you’re threatening to wear shoes on your head just to illustrate how fucked up everything is. But if you are, we know you’d pull it off. Love y’all!

Whatever

It’s kind of a slow news day, but we always think it’s worth pointing out when the Speaker of the House chooses to fly to Florida to kiss Trump’s ass instead of actually doing his job and working for the American people. Why is it just accepted by the MSM that Republicans have their own shadow government and it’s fucking things up for normal people?

More: CBS

Thank you, Mr. President

We haven’t known what to make of some of President Biden’s recent moves on immigration. Some of them seemed unnecessary and designed to win over right-wing assholes who can’t be won over. Well we can’t say that about this latest move. Biden is offering a path to citizenship for about 500,000 undocumented spouses and 50,000 kids whose step-parent is a citizen. He’s also moving to add more work visas for Dreamers. This is the shit we’re talking about. This is why we’re different. We’re a nation of immigrants. And we like that a lot better than being a nation that separates terrified families.

More: AP

LOLOL

Is this real? Are we really this lucky? Steve Bannon is supposed to be going to prison soon. And he’s not going to the cushy prison he thought he was. Don’t get us wrong, he’s still going to a pretty cushy prison, but it ain’t what he was hoping for and that makes us happy. Plus, there’s a possibility he could go to Rikers! We probably shouldn’t get our hopes up, but we’re just so excited to see that fucker rot.

More: CNN

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden is gearing up to raise taxes on wealthy people in the U.S. if he’s re-elected this fall, picking a fight with Republican rival Donald Trump, who is promising even deeper tax cuts if he returns to the White House. More: NBC

The Biden administration on Tuesday swore in the first class of the American Climate Corps, a federal program that is meant to place young people in the clean energy, conservation and climate resilience sectors. More: NBC