6.16.23 We Tennessee y’all!

Be advised: This newspaper uses an excessive amount of profanity, and excessive is just a fancy way of saying a shitload.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, the crazies sure seem to be multiplying like wet gremlins don’t they? It seems like every goddamn week there’s some new brand of lunacy out there promising to protect the kids while threatening to bomb a school. And then there are the dumbshit crazies in our own party.

What a dunce. Yesterday he went on Joe Rogan and said he thinks the CIA might assassinate him. Buddy, they don’t even know who the hell you are. But watching this goddamn disgrace run for president got us thinking about how many other famous political families have produced shit-for-brains offspring who totally fucked up the family name. Some of them you know — Billy, Roger, Jeb, Ivanka — but we wanted to find some you might not have heard about so we went deep in the not real history books (mostly sold in Florida) and this is what we found…

• Jim Bob Lincoln — drunkenly tried to divide the country again using horses and rope

• Ginny Garfield — eschewed politics for a life of loving lasagna and hating Mondays

• Frederick Fillmore — successfully led the effort to make sure no American child was ever again named Millard

• Johnny Howard Taft — total fitness freak; never once got stuck in a bathtub

• Sue Anne Harding — jumped 20 school buses on a motorcycle (we might have her confused with someone else)

• Cookie Monster Cleveland — blue like his father Grover, but rarely accomplished anything nonconsecutively; loves cookies

• Delores Henry Harrison — was president of her HOA for 32 days just to rub the old man’s face in it

• Dustin Van Buren — started a street gang known to terrorize sitcom characters

• Horny S. Truman — You don’t wanna know

• Donald Trump Jr. — got his lil’ pecker stuck in a light socket. Four times. This morning.

• RFK Jr. — dumber than dogshit with four times the stank

The good news is we can still stop that last asshole. Won’t it be fun to vote against him in the primaries? Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The New York Times has a story today about “Trump’s boxes” and how he’s just a collector. Not only are we not linking to it, but we took it out of the birdcage and shat on it ourselves.

Note three: Since Trump got arraigned this week, Republicans and their friends at Fox have shifted to just straight up accusing Biden of being a criminal. Just one problem — they don’t have any evidence. They’re basically just Giuliani without the class and dignity. More: CNN

Note four: Just a reminder that we will be taking off Monday to observe Juneteenth. We hope y’all are able to do the same.

Note five: Think Mike Pence knows who Torie Bowie was?

Note six: Did anyone happen to see the US-Mexico game last night? The US and Christian Pulisic looked amazing, but then some asshole fans had to go and wreck the night by chanting an anti-gay slur, leading the referee to end the game early. Seriously what fucking year are we in? More: ESPN

Note seven: While we’re on sports, Memphis Grizzlies star Ja Morant has been suspended 25 games by the NBA for repeatedly posing with guns. We really did Ja’s game. He either needs to get his shit together or become a House Republican.

Note eight: Fox News fired the producer who put up that chyron calling Biden a “wannabe dictator.” Man that place is a goddamn mess right now. Even for a bunch of America-hating racist kiss-asses. More: Daily Beast

Note nine: Remember how badly the College Board fucked up when they caved to DeSantis? Well they appear to be trying to do better. DeSantis still sucks goat balls. More: WESH

Note 10: A former college football coach is still fucking with military promotions because he doesn’t get to force his abortion beliefs on the whole dang military. Shouldn’t this be a bigger story? Try to imagine the howls of outrage on CNN if a Democrat did this.

Note 11: Trump and DeSantis are saying lots and lots of gross shit about each other in Nevada. You can click if you want but you’re gonna need a shower after. More: NBC

Note 12: The White House hosted a viewing of “Flamin’ Hot” last night, and we can’t wait to see it. Congratulations to director Eva Longoria! More: People

Note 13: The AFL-CIO just voted to endorse Biden and VP Harris. Phew. Thank goodness the didn’t go with the dumbfuck from the first note. Inquirer

Note 14: That endorsement comes as Dark Brandon is ready to hit the campaign trail, starting with a labor rally in Philly this weekend. Y’all ready to do this?

Note 15: He does have quite a record to run on. Like this. We’re not economists and we’re easily confused by charts, graphs and bright colors but this seems pretty fucking great to us.

Note 16: Pat Robertson is still dead.

Note 17: No Labels is a group of rich assholes who hate paying taxes and want to re-elect Trump. Even when they give an interview saying they don’t want to be a spoiler for Trump, they totally reveal how they will totally be a spoiler for Trump. Fuck No Labels. More: NBC

Note 18: Here’s Dark Brandon telling a New York Post reporter they asked a “dumb question.” Feel free to applaud.

Note 19: Don’t forget this weekend is Father’s Day. Or as the Trump kids call it, Sunday.

Note 20: And on that less than hilarious note, let’s go do some news and then do this weekend! Who are the misfits from political families that we missed? Send us your best. Or just have a great Friday. Love y’all!

American democracy is under attack by some of the dumbest dumbshits in history, and we plan to make fun of them until our sides hurt. You know, for America. But we need your help! Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as an anti-vaxxer on Gab.

We Tennessee y’all!

Justin Pearson and Justin Jones are coming back. The two Tennessee lawmakers who were expelled from the statehouse by racist gun-humping scum are well on their way back. After being reappointed or winning a special election shortly after their expulsions, Jones and Pearson both won their primaries last night. These gentlemen are rising stars, and we’re really damn glad to be on their side.

More: NBC

History

Yesterday we were partying over the confirmation of Judge Dale Ho. Today we’re celebrating the confirmation of Nusrat Choudhury, the first Muslim woman to become a federal judge. Joe Manchin continued to be a HUGE piece of shit with rather obvious problems with women of color that no one ever asks him about, but fuck him we’re celebrating. Joe Biden promised to make the judiciary look like the people of this country, and he is having a lot of success keeping that promise.

More: HuffPost

Connecticut

It has been one year since Congress passed and Joe Biden signed the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act. Is it working? Probably. Is it enough? Not even fucking close. That’s why Dark Brandon is heading up to a gun safety summit in the state where Sandy Hook happened to call for universal background checks and an assault weapons ban. Republicans will probably respond by having sex with an AR-15 before breaking down in tears about wokeness.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Iowa’s high court refused Friday to unblock a strict ban on most abortions, rebuffing Republican Gov. Kim Reynolds and, for now, keeping the conservative state from joining others that have severely limited access to the procedure. More: HuffPost

U.S. District Judge Aileen Cannon on Thursday indicated she intends to continue presiding over the case involving Donald Trump’s alleged mishandling of classified documents. More: HuffPost

Today’s Big Stuff is a Monday through Friday newsletter for progressive Americans who want to save their democracy while making fun of people like Donald Trump Jr. and Lauren Boebert who might actually be the same, really dumb person.

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