6.14.23 Happy Flag Day

Be advised: This newsletter is filled with obscenities and creamy democracy-defending goodness.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we don’t know about y’all but we feel totally ripped off that we didn’t get any footage of the tangerine taintbreath’s arrest yesterday. And as much satisfaction as we take from writing “Donald Trump was arrested,” we could really go for some photos or video to really help it hit home and fuel our living room dance parties. But since we don’t, we figured we’d make some up.

So, SPs, here is a TBS exclusive of the scene inside the Miami courtroom where Trump was arraigned yesterday. It is best read in the hushed and solemn tone of a tennis announcer…

Special Counsel Jack Smith has entered the room and he is high-fiving everyone he sees while occasionally flexing his muscles as though he is a professional bodybuilder at a competition. Well this is unusual. He is now disrobing to the waist and beating his chest while yelling “Bring yon weird standing scumshite to me!” The bailiff is now pounding the large ceremonial drum in a haunting cadence.The crowd is hushed and here comes the former president. He appears angry and not very bright. His hands and face are covered in ketchup and he keeps muttering “where’s Ivanka?” to no one. The special counsel is now approaching Trump and is that… yes it is… we can report that former President Donald J. Trump is now peeing himself and… wow that’s a lot of pee… it’s like someone stuck a goddamn water wiggle down his pants… oh those trousers are ruined. The special counsel is now pointing and laughing and encouraging the crowd to mock the urine-soaked 45th president of the United States and they are obliging which appears to only be making more pee come out. This is quite a mess. The judge is now greeting the crowd and… oh my… the judge is addressing the defendant as President Pee Stain and telling him not to sit on anything in the courtroom which the former president doesn’t seem to appreciate even as the crowd howls in laughter. The judge is asking how the defendant pleads to which the now very wet and very guilty former president responds “not guilty.” At least 17 people in the room simultaneously cried out “YOU LIE, PEE PANTS!” Smith stands up and says “try not to drink so much water next time, piss boy,” and oh dear… yes Trump appears to have started crying and peeing himself again. We are adjourned.

Wow! So that’s how it went down. That’s probably not verbatim, but we bet we’re not that far off. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If you hear some Republican jackass whining about Trump being treated differently, you can tell them that they are right. He has most definitely been treated differently.

Note three: Did you see Trump visit that diner after he was arrested? Did you see his violent nutjob fans cuss and throw out a reporter? Seems like news to us. More: HuffPost

Note four: Btw her name is Sophie Alexander and we hope word gets to her that TBS is a big fan.

Note five: CNN was very proud of itself for not showing Trump’s remarks live last night. LOL. Sam joked last night that they’re treating that town hall the way Friday Night Lights treated its second season. But we all know Landry killed that piece of shit and we can’t just un-know it.

Note six: The Washington Post story led with Trump’s “showmanship.” The New York Times front page headline called the arrest “a momentous scene.” Maybe we should stop expecting red hat morons to quit kissing Trump’s ass when we can’t even get political reporters to stop. NO LINKS

Note seven: Of course it could have been worse…

Note eight: The Capitol Hill press has handed out way too many free passes, but those they’ve given the House Republicans in Biden districts are nothing short of unforgivable. There are no GOP moderates. More: NBC

Note nine: We can’t stop laughing at House Oversight Chairman Jamie Comer’s failures. He does like 15 tv hits a day and in 12 of them admits he doesn’t have jack shit for evidence. He seems really good at this stuff. More: New Republic

Note 10: RIP to Cormac McCarthy. Pretty damn hard to find a better writer. More: AP

Note 11: Looks like we missed a helluva party at the White House’s Juneteenth celebration last night. This is a good reminder that TBS will be off Monday in observance of the holiday.

Note 12: We hear Don Jr. cried himself to sleep last night in his race car bed. Sucks his thumb too. The one with the coke nail.

Note 13: House Republicans are unveiling a five-step plan today to impeach Secretary Mayorkas despite border crossings being way down. Most of the steps involve fucking lying and being fucking liars. More: USA Today

Note 14: So we need to take a couple of notes to talk about Tommy Tuberville. First the hilarious part. Republicans were trying to jam up a Biden nomination in the Senate and VP Harris was gonna have to vote to get him over the line. But then Tuberville’s dumbass left early to go to Trump’s indictment party in New Jersey and Democrats didn’t need the VP after all. More: AL

Note 15: If you’re wondering why Democrats didn’t take advantage of this absence to push through the more than 200 members of the military whose promotions Tuberville is fucking with because he can’t impose his abortion beliefs on the whole world, well, the answer is Dick fucking Durbin. We’d call him chickenshit, but that just doesn’t seem fair to chickenshit.

Note 16: We’re not economists or even regular showerers, but more jobs, higher wages, inflation down and prices down seems pretty fucking good to us.

Note 17: Republicans are going all out in their efforts to obstruct and defund law enforcement. JD Vance has promised to put a hold on every DOJ nominee. Don’t you wish we had the kind of press corps that would ask these assholes why they’re so cool with more fentanyl overdoses and more human trafficking? More: Cleveland

Note 18: The Michigan GOP was fined by a judge yesterday for all their lying about the 2020 election and Detroit. We will be curious to see how a dumpster fire comes up with $58k. More: MLive

Note 19: Holy shit Ivanka just posted a birthday wish for her piece of shit daddy in which she wished him “a year filled with the happiness you deserve.” Damn that’s cold. And pretty fucking funny.

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news and then do this hump day. Ivanka can celebrate her sleazy papa’s b-day, but we normally leave that shit to the human garbage at Politico Playbook. This is and always will be Flag Day to us. Love y’all!

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Hit him again!

Yesterday a judge agreed to let E. Jean Carroll amend her defamation case against the man who sexually abused her and lied about it. After CNN gave Trump and his army of dirtbags a forum where he could lie about her some more while they all laughed, E. Jean and her lawyers made clear they saw the whole thing. As always, we are rooting for Carroll and in awe of her determination.

More: NBC

The mass shooter party

After a week of embarrassing infighting, House Republicans finally made peace with each other yesterday in time to pass an anti-gun reform bill that would get a lot more people killed if it had a chance in hell of passing the Senate or being signed by President Biden. Yeah, that pig-fucking farthead Andrew Clyde (the Jan. 6 was a normal tourist visit asshole) got his pistol brace bullshit passed. Basically it says that Biden isn’t allowed to make guns less deadly. Not hard to see where these dumbshits’ priorities are. Unless you’re a reporter.

More: The Hill

Mother!

Mike Pence just can’t stop embarrassing himself. It’s probably because he’s what happens to chickenshit in the rain. Pence came dangerously close to flipping on Trump yesterday as he told the Wall Street Journal that after reading the indictment he can’t defend what Trump did. So he’s done right? Finally done with the monster who sent a mob to kill him and his family? LOL not quite. Pence said he’s waiting to see what Trump’s defense is before casting final judgment. Gosh what do you think he’ll decide?

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

Less than two weeks after the end of the debt limit fight that Republicans said they started because they worried about government red ink, House Republicans moved a step closer to possibly adding as much as a trillion dollars more in debt through tax cuts. More: HuffPost

Two NAACP leaders have written to President Joe Biden, sharing their disappointment over the administration’s decision to restart federal student loan payments later this year. More: HuffPost

Just hours after Nevada took a big step toward approving the Oakland Athletics’ move to Las Vegas, A’s fans held a “reverse boycott” during a game at the Oakland Coliseum. More: CNN

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