6.13.23 Biden tames inflation

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. But it ain’t getting fingerprinted today.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, today is arraignment day. Or that’s what we’ve heard. But really, cable news is doing a shit job of covering this. CNN had the plane taking off and landing yesterday but absolutely nothing about what Trump’s plane was up to while it was in the air. That’s why we were so glad to see this new job posting…

WANTED — BEAT REPORTER — TRUMP PLANE-FUCKER — Think you’ve got what it takes to work in the fast-paced world of cable news reporting? Eager to report accurately and quickly about the issues facing the world? Ever made love to an airplane? If you answered yes to all three of those questions then you might have what it takes to be CNN’s new Trump Plane-Fucking Correspondent. We’re looking for a self-starting motivated individual with 3-5 years experience having sex with airplanes to get intimate with the aircraft of the former president who launched an attack on the Capitol, was found liable for sexual abuse and has just been indicted for endangering national security. We won’t actually care about any of that shit but we love the plane stuff and we think we can go deeper. We’ve got about 75 damned souls kissing Kevin McCarthy’s ass every day, but we really want someone who can have sex with a 747 mid-air and tell us how awesome it is. And if Trump gets in an SUV, you’re gonna need to get it on with that too. So if you want to literally fuck a plane while we fuck our audience and this whole goddamn country, please reply to the poor dumbshit who’s sitting in Chris Licht’s seat and tell them you’re ready to help finish off cable news and our national dialogue once and for all.

Wow. That sounds like quite a gig. Not for us though. A cessna broke our hearts. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We hate to switch from that to something so heavy, but this is damn important and it’s a big reason why we’re all fighting so hard. Also, if you’re still on twitter, please consider following this reporter. She’s doing real work about a crucial issue while a mostly dude-bro-dominated political press corps continues to miss the most important story there is

Note three: While we’re on the kind of news that makes you want to cry and then punch a hole in the fucking wall, we want to send our deepest sympathies to the family of Torie Bowie. Bowie died last month and now an autopsy has revealed the cause to be complications from childbirth. Just heartbreaking. More: People

Note four: While we’re on sad and distressing stuff, RIP to Treat Williams. Great actor. More: People

Note five: You know how the arrogant rich assholes at No Labels are trying to get some spoiler third-party candidates on the ballot? Well now they’re saying they won’t go through with it if DeSantis is the nominee. It’s almost like they’re corrupt as fuck and totally full of shit. More: Politico (Sorry for the Politico link)

Note six: Thank you to our Vice President for speaking up about an innocent life taken by racist scum…

Note seven: Judge Aileen Cannon issued an order in the Trump case this morning. Doesn’t look like she’s recusing, so prepare for Trump to walk. Seriously. Wrap your minds around the worst possibilities here because she is super corrupt and doesn’t seem to give a shit who knows it.

Note eight: Lot of heavy news today! Congratulations to the Denver Nuggets on winning the NBA championship. They did it in pretty convincing fashion too! More: Yahoo Sports

Note nine: And because this is America about 10 people were injured in a shooting not far from the arena after the game was over. More: ESPN

Note 10: Gavin Newsom went on Fox last night and ate Hannity’s lunch. And he did it defending Biden. We’re always scared to say this out loud but we swear it seems like Democrats are in array.

Note 11: Illinois Gov. JB Pritzker signed a ban on book bans yesterday and we just love that. More: ABC7

Note 12: ABC just reported that Trump won’t have to get a mugshot. So everything we’ve ever been told about the rule of law is a fucking lie. Also, why the fuck would anyone think it’s a good idea to bring this case in fucking Florida?

Note 13: Pat Robertson is still dead. Pat Sajak is just retiring. More: NBC

Note 14: Fulton County officials are in Miami today to see how they’re doing security. Sure seems like a positive sign about Trump’s near future in Fulton County. More: AJC

Note 15: Ron DeSantis is a hate-filled loser with a crap personality and a super weird voice. He also just fucked over baseball players to help his rich friends.

Note 16: Chuck Grassley has been stepping up his attacks on Joe Biden and his family. So what did Grassley think of the indictment against Trump? He said he couldn’t comment because he’s not a legal analyst. More: Politicus USA

Note 17: McCarthy actually argued yesterday that the classified documents at Mar-a-Lago were safe because bathroom doors lock. We’re frankly surprised he didn’t argue that Trump’s pee just happens to look like dozens of cardboard boxes. More: NBC

Note 18: If you happen to live near a Cracker Barrel, go get yourself a chicken fried steak and sit a spell in one of those great rocking chairs. The restaurant chain is standing by its LGBTQ customers and we want to say thank you. More: NBC

Note 19: After whining about the lack of civility in politics, the punisher and head of the Washington Post announced he was resigning to go work at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Foundation. We wish we were making this up. But man does it explain a lot. More: Variety

Note 20: Congratulations to former DNC Chairman Tom Perez on his new gig at the White House. We know he’ll do great.

Note 21: And on that congratulatory note, let’s go do some news! And if you’re applying for that CNN gig, please be careful. Having sex with flying airplanes isn’t as easy or glamorous as it sounds. Love y’all!

But inflation

That’s what we’ve heard as Dark Brandon has rebuilt the American economy from the middle out. Well, just like baby formula and the supply chain crisis, Joey B has solved another one. Or at least he’s on track to. The CPI report from May shows inflation growing at 4 percent, which is actually great because it’s way lower and a sure sign that inflation is cooling. We’re sure the news media will devote countless hours to giving the president credit for this welcome development.

More: CNBC

Broke them

House Republicans, who were never a stable or good-smelling crowd, are now totally in disarray. Biden, the sleepy guy who won’t leave his basement or some shit, did such a number on Kevin McCarthy in the debt ceiling negotiations that House Republicans haven’t been able to hold a vote since. The far right is once again in open revolt and McCarthy apologized to his caucus last night for making the deal. Gosh who could’ve predicted that the Jan. 6 fuckheads would be incompetent at governing? As of this morning, tensions appear to be easing but we want to thank them for wasting a week of precious time on infighting. Dumbasses.

More: Vox

Here we go

Trump is set to be arraigned at 3 pm ET today. So yeah we’re all waiting to see if his scumbag shitbreath cult members destroy the city the way they fucked up Washington back in 2021. This morning the crowd appeared to be pretty small — sad! — even as Trump raged on truth social about “thug” Jack Smith. Let’s hope like hell all goes smoothly today so that a corrupt judge can say fuck national security and give her buddy a free pass. Sorry to be so cynical. Enjoy the arraignment.

More: Guardian

Today’s clips

Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie (R) repeated his promise to take his 2024 primary fight directly to coup-attempting and newly indicted former President Donald Trump on Monday, telling a national TV audience that Trump’s conduct is putting the country through unnecessary trauma. More: HuffPost

Federal prosecutors are seeking 14 years in federal prison for a violent Jan. 6 rioter who his lawyers say "idolized" Donald Trump and thought of the former president as the "father figure" he never had. More: NBC

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go here:

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people!