6.1.23 Trump tape trouble

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. But when the calendar turns to summer, it dreams of being a surfing newsletter.

Pre-note: It’s Pride Month, y’all! And we don’t have to tell you how important it is this year. We love our queer brothers and sisters with our whole fucking hearts, and we are damn determined that they are not going back to the goddamn shadows and they are not going to trade awesome lives for living in fear. They are here, they are queer and if someone has a problem with it, they can eat shit, kiss our asses and then fuck right off. Fly those flags high, SPs. We will NOT be intimidated. Love y’all!

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How the effing heck are you today? Not as worried that the Jan. 6 crowd is gonna blow up the whole dang economy to satisfy their orange god? Yeah, we aren’t either. Thanks to Dark Brandon of course. We’ll talk more about that in the news section, but there is one part of this whole dumbass saga we want to take a moment to spotlight and laugh about.

It probably won’t surprise the SPU (Sexy Patriot Universe) to know that we grew up on the Simpsons. And one of our favorite all-time episodes is when alcohol prohibition comes to Springfield. Moe the bartender is running a speakeasy that doubles as a pet shop and when the Elliott Ness-like character raids the place, Moe and the patrons hide their hooch and pretend to be a pet shop and the cop asks “what kind of pet shop is filled with rambunctious yahoos and hot jazz music at 1 a.m.?”

“The best damn pet shop in town!” Moe responds. And the crowd goes wild.

Well this was House Democrats this week. After Dark Brandon beat back McCarthy’s extremist bullshit over the weekend, our party had to spend the week trying not to celebrate so Republicans would still hold up their end. Does the deal suck? Yes. Could it have been a billion times worse? Oh hell yes. So when it became clear we were winning this thing, we had to pretend like we weren’t. But now the vote is over and we can go back to being a speakeasy where we cheer Dark Brandon and laugh at what a hapless dumbshit McCarthy is.

Y’all have a great day at the best pet shop in town.

Note two: We were gonna do a whole intro about how Dawson’s Creek was contaminated and that’s why James Vanderbeek grew up to be a dumbshit. But we figured nobody would remember who the fuck James Vanderbeek is. More: Variety

Note three: It seems pretty bad to us that Elon Musk is encouraging his scumbag pals to impersonate a Democratic member of Congress on twitter. More: NBC

Note four: Of course it also seems bad to us that the Jan. 6 truther with a shitload of US government contracts was just welcomed to China as Comrade Musk. More: Barrons

Note five: The Cousin Eddie Primary is already over!

Note six: Toyota announced yesterday it is going to build its first electric vehicle at a factory in Kentucky. Thanks Gov. Beshear! Let’s make sure we get that guy re-elected. More: WLKY

Note seven: We haven’t talked enough about the fucked up shit cops are doing in Atlanta. Trying to criminalize bail funds?! That’s insane! More: Intercept

Note eight: Anybody excited for the NBA finals? Miami’s run has been incredible to watch, but it sure is hard to bet against Denver.

Note nine: Remember that failed GOP candidate who got some friends to shoot at Democrats’ homes? Well he’s also been indicted for election interference. Are we nuts or should this be a bigger story? Or are both things true at the same time? More: NBC

Note 10: Ouch, CNN. Ouch.

Note 11: Texas has a new temporary AG while the current one awaits his impeachment trial. Yay or something? More: Texas Tribune

Note 12: Glenn Youngkin is said to be reconsidering a run for president. This comes as a shot to the overwhelming majority of Americans who have never heard of Glenn Youngkin, but the Washington Post editorial board has had to take cold showers all morning. (AXIOS STORY SO NO LINK)

Note 13: This story is pretty big. Disgraceful piece of shit Sen. Tommy Tuberville, who is holding up more than 100 military promotions because he wants to force his abortion beliefs on the military, has been disowned by his brother. Yeah, it turns out that some Tubervilles don’t like being associated with racist fuckheads who hate the military. More: AL

Note 14: Oh and remember how Tuberville was using a former food critic as his military adviser? Well that asshat just resigned. More: MSNBC

Note 15: LOL. How many times do these dumbfucks have to admit they don’t have any evidence before the press gets wise to their scam?

Note 16: Facebook is threatening California. We think California should tell Facebook to fuck off. More: NPR

Note 17: HUGE congratulations to our dear friend Mary Trump and E. Jean Carroll who are collaborating on a romance novel. Um yes please. More: Guardian

Note 18: We usually leave happy birthdays for the degenerate scum over at Politico Playbook, but we had to make an exception for this guy…

Note 19: Our closing note today is for our LGBTQ friends and family members. We fucking see you, we fucking love you, we’re so fucking proud of you and we’re so fucking proud you are true to yourself.

Note 20: And on that lovely note, let’s go do some news. We hope y’all are having an awesome week, and we’re excited to see you back here tomorrow. Love y’all!!!!

Mother!

No, we’re not channeling Danzig. We’re channeling Mike Pence the next time his own party tries to kill his ass. Yeah, having survived an assassination attempt from a GOP that hates his fucking guts, a totally clueless Mike Pence is getting back in the saddle and announcing next week he is running for president. We hope he doesn’t win. We also hope Republicans don’t murder him.

More: ABC

Yay?

We know it doesn’t seem like it at first, but is this debt ceiling bullshit one of Biden’s biggest successes yet? Obviously the Mountain Valley Pipeline is a real problem and if this White House doesn’t get serious about Gen Z and climate change then we’re going to have some serious problems next year. But Republicans sure seemed hellbent on crashing the economy to help Trump and Trump was sure encouraging them to do just that. It’s a bad idea to negotiate with terrorists, but thanks to Dark Brandon for freeing the hostage without giving away that much.

More: NPR

Lordy

There are more tapes. Yeah, Jack Smith apparently has tapes of Trump talking about how he took a classified document about plans to attack Iran and how he knew it was classified and didn’t give a shit. This seems really bad. But so does leading a violent attack on the US Capitol and he ain’t been arrested for that so what the fuck do we know? Git him, Jack.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

Sen. Markwayne Mullin (R-Okla.) had an awkward moment during a committee hearing on Wednesday when he outright rejected reality during a combative exchange on children’s education. More: NPR

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