6.12.23 Trump needs a lawyer

Be advised: This newsletter has more cuss words than Trump’s shitter has classified documents.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, how was your indictment weekend? Did you bathe in the tears of the deplorables? Did their cries serve as your lullaby? Did their infuriating refusal to learn the difference between “your” and “you’re” drive away any speck of sympathy you might be tempted to feel for them? Yeah, us too. Fuck ‘em.

Unfortunately, the shitty part about being the party of the high road is our leaders are refusing to comment or spike the football in any way. It’s probably the right thing to do but it’s soooooo unsatisfying. So here’s a speech Biden gave in a different Sexy Patriot Universe (SPU)...

Biden: My fellow Americans, we did it! We finally got his orange ass! Yes, this week that dirty motherfucker who attacked our Capitol and stole our shit is gonna get a taste of what’s coming. Donald Trump has been indicted and it’s so fucking sweet I can’t stand it. Folks, this is not hyperbole — I hope that corrupt piece of shit chokes on his toilet wine. Like the old Irish poets wrote — fuck him and fuck his whole fucked up family. Lock their disgusting asses up too. As my mother used to say, I hope they eat crap and die. You don’t get to just steal national secrets and stick ‘em by your pooper. You thought you could pull this shit on Dark Brandon? Well you’re about to see what happens when you fuck with the wrong sleepy motherfucker, motherfucker. I done beat your sorry ass once, pumpkin. And I got a taste for it now. Enjoy that mugshot, asshole.

Whoa. That must’ve been Very Dark Brandon. We like him. But the restrained and legal approach is probably more prudent here. Damnit. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We still think “Judge” Aileen Cannon is gonna fuck this up for everyone, but just to be safe let’s check in with Republicans and see how they’re taking all this…

Note three: The rest of the party spent the weekend lying for Trump, attacking Jack Smith’s wife and making excuses for endangering national security. This is the most successful cult in history, right? More: NPR

Note four: The unabomber died this weekend. So did Silvio Berlusconi. And Pat Robertson is still quite dead. Satan must be getting a poker game together. More: NPR, NPR

Note five: We never thought we’d say this but we’re sending tons of love to Garth Brooks. Yeah, it turns out Garth is a real one who stands with our trans friends. We had no idea. So we started looking and Garth has actually been a righteous badass for quite some time. Consider us his friends in low places. More: Variety

Note six: America thinks Trump fucked up. And that 31 percent approval rating has got to hurt…

Note seven: DeSantis and Pence spent the weekend pledging to restore Fort Liberty to Fort Bragg. Probably because they hate liberty and love incompetent confederate shitheads who killed their own troops and lost a lot. More: NBC

Note eight: Boris Johnson quit his role as a lawmaker the other day. Anybody else feel like we’re on a roll? More: Vox

Note nine: Some news you might have missed in all the indictment hoopla — the House Ethics Committee has reopened its investigation into Matt Gaetz. Is it possible House Ethics has more guts than Merrick Garland? Yes. Yes it is. More: People

Note 10: Dark Brandon is having a root canal today. Don’t worry. He debated Trump. This is nothing.

Note 11: Just another normal weekend in Ron DeSantis’s Florida. We really should be asking why so many reporters and Republicans saw a racist asshole with a shit personality and thought “this guy should be president!”

Note 12: USA Today has a story today about Hunter Biden’s struggles with addiction. It’s shocking to see a news organization treat him like a real person with a real disease. Shocking and long fucking overdue. More: USA Today

Note 13: It has been seven years since a deranged piece of shit killed 49 people at Pulse nightclub in Orlando. If you don’t mind, at some point today please take a moment of silence for them. And then work your ass off to defeat the politician scum who used this tragedy for political gain and then spent the next several years sticking knives in the backs of the LGBTQ+ community.

Note 14: Do y’all think we’re gonna see violence in Miami tomorrow? Yeah, we’re worried about it too.

Note 15: JP Morgan has reached a settlement with Jeffrey Epstein’s victims. Everything seems on the up and up here. Yikes. More: HuffPost

Note 16: Big love to Sen. Tina Smith for firing back at a moron…

Note 17: HUGE congratulations to Sue Bird whose jersey was retired yesterday. One of the best to ever do it. And while we’re on sports, Happy Doc Ellis Day to all who celebrate. More: ESPN, Guardian

Note 18: Ukraine is on the attack. And they’re taking their country back. Marjorie Taylor Greene is gonna be pissed. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We don’t usually end on a tweet, but this week is gonna be nuts and we figure we could all use this…

Note 20: And on that awesome note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had a fantastic weekend. Buckle up because these next few days could get pretty crazy. Love y’all!

‘Toast’

Trump fixer, former AG and all-around human garbage Bill Barr went on Fox yesterday and popped a big orange balloon. Barr, who helped Trump get away with all kinds of shit, now says the former president is in real trouble. Barr even went as far as to say that Trump is “toast” if even half of the allegations in the indictment are true. What’s half of 37? Trump responded by calling Barr “a gutless pig.” Oh fuck it. We’re just gonna enjoy this for a second.

More: Guardian

Public defender time

Trump is apparently having trouble finding a local lawyer to take his case ahead of Tuesday’s arraignment. According to reports, Trump will still be processed Tuesday but he might not be formally charged if he can’t find a lawyer. This is all pretty hilarious. Trump got indicted and his two big attorneys quit the next day. If it was anyone else, that part alone would be pretty huge news.

More: ABC

Hell yeah

This weekend, the White House’s Pride celebration was able to go on after being postponed last week by air that looked like soup. From all accounts it was an awesome celebration led by a man who has long led on LGBTQ+ issues. It can be easy to forget that it was Dark Brandon who pushed President Obama to accept gay marriage. The Pride flags displayed at the White House really upset the scary kids, which was just another bonus reason to put them out. We’re grateful to have a president who gets it, and we’re even more grateful to have a Pride Month to celebrate.

Today’s clips

Fox News is stepping up its legal fight with its former star Tucker Carlson, according to news reports. The network sent a “cease and desist” letter to Carlson claiming his new show on Twitter violates his Fox employment contract, which reportedly expires in early 2025. More: HuffPost

Billionaire George Soros, a leading philanthropist and contributor to liberal political causes, has tapped his 37-year old son Alexander Soros to lead his charitable Open Society Foundations and political action committee, a foundation spokesperson confirmed. More: CNN

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