6.11.24 Sucky Sam

It’s Tuesday. There are 147 days until the general election. Sam Alito is freaking terrifying, crime is down (outside of the GOP) and Dark Brandon gets it done in Baltimore.

Be advised: No, really, today this is a serious fucking advisory that you can’t unsee what’s coming. Also, this newsletter uses profanity.

Note: We’re so sorry, Sexy Patriots. We love y’all so freaking much, and we just hate to do this to you and your sexy eyeballs. It will be our fault when you pee your bed from nightmares tonight, and it will be our fault when your therapist says you’ll never be ok again. So forgive us, SPs, but we felt like we had to share this. DO NOT look directly at it…

HOLY FUCKING SHIT OUR EYES!!!! OUR FUCKING EYES!!!! THE PAIN!!!!! IT HURTS!!!!! Isn’t that just about the most unsettling non-Gary Busey thing you’ve ever seen? Like how the fuck are the rest of us ever supposed to sleep again? He looks like he just devoured some screaming Smurfs. We’re actually grateful for Rudy. It can be tough for some people to tell which side is good and which side is evil, and just one goddamn glimpse at Rudy makes clear who’s who. At least he managed to not shit hair-dye out of his face this time. Are we the only ones who can smell that fucking picture?

Anyway, we sure are sorry to do that to you fine folks so early in the day. We hope you’ll forgive us. And maybe someday we’ll forgive ourselves. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: You don’t want to miss this harrowing warning from our own Adam Parkhomenko at LA Mag. More: LA Mag

Note three: And not for nothing but Sam interviewed Beck… More: LA Mag

Note four: This might be controversial, but we think Martha-Ann Alito can eat shit. More: Rolling Stone

Note five: Nobody forget for a second this is what we’re fighting against…

Note six: Trump is going to meet with his pets in the Senate GOP. They’re all Lindsey Graham now. More: NBC

Note seven: Joe Biden did not meet with his probation officer yesterday. More: CNN

Note eight: If Nancy Mace loses her primary, we might never ever ever stop laughing. God she’s awful. More: NBC

Note nine: 538, which sucks, dropped its first forecast today. They have Biden winning 53 times out of 100 and Trump winning 47 times out of 100. How the fuck is it that close? More: Five Thirty Eight

Note 10: Yes Josh Shapiro! We love us some righteous profanity!

Note 11: Trump said he might keep the Epstein files sealed and Fox edited it out. Why don’t the conspiracy theory idiots ever care about this shit? More: HuffPost

Note 12: House Democrats are already making efforts to fight back against Trump’s super scary and fucked up second term plans. This is pretty terrifying. And totally necessary. More: HuffPost

Note 13: Steve Kerr endorsed Biden. We love Steve Kerr. We do not love the Golden State Warriors. More: Yahoo

Note 14: Teamsters President Sean O’Brien is asking for a speaking slot at both the Democratic and Republican conventions. If the Teamsters can’t tell the fucking difference between the most pro-union president of all time and the guy who spent a lifetime fucking them over, then maybe they need new leadership. More: Axios

Note 15: The WNBA is blowing up and we are so here for it…

Note 16: Ron DeSantis is trying to stop Florida from legalizing weed and women’s rights. We forgot he existed, but we sure didn’t forget he’s the fucking worst. More: Politico

Note 17: It looked like everyone at the White House had a blast at last night’s Juneteenth celebration. More: The Hill

Note 18: Here’s today’s reminder that RFK’s brain got ate by worms…

Note 19: We couldn’t find a good Happy Ending note today so we're just gonna take a second to be grateful we ain’t got brain worms.

Note 20: And on that note of gratitude, let’s go do some news! We sure hope your week is off to a great start. And we really hope you’ll forgive us for that mugshot. Yikes! Love y’all!

Sucky Sam

Wow did Lauren Windsor get the goods. In her latest undercover expose, Windsor talked to the Alito family. We already shared with you how awful Martha-Ann is, but Sam is no prize either. Of course you already knew that. Windsor got Alito to tell the truth about how he doesn’t see how he can compromise with liberals and how the country needs to be more godly. Senate Democrats needed to be issuing subpoenas months ago.

More: ABC


Joe Biden is on fire. Not only has he saved the economy after the pandemic, but now he’s brought crime down too. The FBI’s crime report showed that violent crime is down by 15 percent in the first three months of this year. Murders are down 26.4 percent. Woohoo! So yeah, there is still crime, but most of it seems to be coming from Republican officials.

More: CNN

Well done!

Remember when that boat hit that bridge in Baltimore and the whole thing came crashing down and everyone was worried about how the economy could take a hit because this crucial shipping channel was going to be blocked forever? Well it’s open now. Just like that highway in Philadelphia. Because Democrats and union labor get shit done. So why isn’t the media celebrating?

More: AP

Today’s clips

Jurors resumed deliberations Tuesday in the criminal case against Hunter Biden over a gun President Joe Biden’s son bought in 2018 when prosecutors say he was in the throes of a crack cocaine addiction. More: HuffPost

A federal judge on Monday denied an effort to dismiss former President Donald Trump's classified documents case, but agreed to delete a paragraph in the federal superseding indictment against the former president. More: NBC