6.10.24 Thank you, Mr. President

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. We’ll stop when shit stops being so fucked up.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s a HUGE day here at TBS HQ. We didn’t huff any glue this morning and we’re getting out our fanciest cuss words. We even put formal wear on the dogs, lizards and monkeys who roam freely around our compound lest their constant nudity undermine the occasion. What could inspire all this grown up behavior? Well we’re making a move.

As we mentioned last week, today is our first day at our new home with our dear friend Mary Trump. Mary has kindly offered TBS a home with her Substack, and we happily accepted. For you Sexy Patriots, it won’t mean anything except being exposed to more cool content. We’re still planning to keep TBS free and profane, and you won’t have to sign up for anything to keep getting an inbox full of f-bombs. For us, it means this labor of love is getting a home.

Y’all know the story by now. We started TBS more than five years ago for a few friends mostly to help them and us cope with the endlessly horrible and fucked up shit we were seeing during the Trump years. Since then, we have rallied together to win elections, cuss, vent, seethe, cry, cuss, celebrate, worry, cuss and lean on each other as we fight for the America we all know we can be. And now, with that beautiful idea in danger of being extinguished by a dumbfuck gameshow host, we are coming together with our friends and allies to save this country’s ass once again.

Thank you, Mary, for giving TBS a new home. Thank you, Sexy Patriots, for growing with us, having our backs and cussing for freedom. Let us go forth and do what we do best — cuss like some motherfuckers and save America from shitheads. You’ll continue to get this email during our transition this week and we’ll keep you updated! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Mick Jagger has been lowkey turning the Rolling Stones’ summer tour into a Fuck Trump’s GOP tour and we are loving every second of it. Kinda like Let It Bleed.

Note three: While we were away last week, Joey Jobs put up another huge jobs report. Here’s why that’s bad news. We’re just kidding. Can you imagine? More: CNBC

Note four: The Federalist came for Dolly Parton. Those sick fucks have gone too far this time. More: Yahoo

Note five: Hunter Biden’s trial is wrapping up. Notice how his dad hasn’t tried to destroy the judicial system or called everything rigged? More: HuffPost

Note six: We make fun of Rudy Giuliani a lot. Then we’re reminded that he’s a subhuman shit-eating asshead and we realize we don’t make fun of him nearly enough…

Note seven: Trump spent the weekend calling the Jan. 6 scum “warriors.” He did it while Biden was honoring our WWII vets. Remember when shit like this would have been a scandal? More: Independent

Note eight: Why yes we are terrified by the election results we’re seeing in Europe. Thanks for asking! More: HuffPost

Note nine: Hope y’all are having a happy Pride Month! Sam did a cool little story last night about L.A. Sparks Head Coach Curt Miller, the only openly gay male coach in basketball. More: LA Mag

Note 10: VP Kamala Harris has been going after Trump big time. You love to see it. More: Politico

Note 11: It’s a few days old, but we wanted to make sure you saw this deeply touching exchange from France last week. Isn’t it nice to know we’re on the right side of this stuff?

Note 12: We’ve seen a lot of so-called experts upset because Caitlin Clark didn’t make the USA Olympic team. Y’all know we’re big CC fans, but we’re also a big believer that the WNBA ain’t a charity and CC is gonna have to earn everything on that level. Don’t worry. She’ll get there. More: USA Today

Note 13: Over the weekend, Benny Gantz resigned from Netanayahu’s war cabinet. Seems bad for Bibi. More: NBC

Note 14: Republicans are helping Cornel West get on the ballot in North Carolina. And that really tells you everything you need to know about Cornel West’s presidential campaign. More: NBC

Note 15: It’s pretty fucking horrifying watching a total chud take over the Washington Post, especially when that chud is endorsed by Steve fucking Bannon. More: Guardian

Note 16: Oof. Y’all have got to see this new ad…

Note 17: Trump was ranting about sharks again this weekend. How the fuck is this our country now? More: HuffPost

Note 18: Pat Sajak has hosted Wheel of Fortune for the last time. It’s the kind of thing we would have been bummed about before found out he hangs out at Mar-a-Lago like a total piece of shit. More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending note, we give you an actual goddamn miracle. Here is rare footage of Donald Trump actually telling the truth. And they said it couldn’t be done…

Note 20: And on that chilling note, let’s go do some news! We sure are excited to be joining y’all from our new home today. We think this is the start of something really exciting and hopefully saving our country from orange asshead again. Love y’all!

LOLOL!!!

File this under Shit Joe Biden Ain’t Doing Today. Donald Trump, the 45th president of the United States, has to do his probation interview today before he gets sentenced. Because he’s a convicted felon. And an asshole. The more stuff like this happens, the more Americans are going to be reminded of who and what Trump is. We’re already seeing polls shift since the conviction. So ignore the dumbshits who want you to believe it’s a good thing for a politician’s campaign to get convicted of a felony.

More: NBC

Thank you, Mr. President

Last week and this weekend, Joe Biden sure made us proud to be Americans. While honoring our troops and the alliance that invaded Europe 80 years ago to defeat the Nazis, Joe Biden reminded us that this fight is ongoing and it’s up to every generation of Americans to do their part to defeat fascism and tyranny. For the Greatest Generation, that meant storming the beaches of Normandy. For us, it means beating the dipshits who worship a moronic gameshow host. Anyway, we’re grateful to President Biden for representing the United States in such a beautiful and dignified way.

More: CNN

GOODBYE, SHITHEAD!!!

Y’all, it freaking killed us to not be with you Friday to talk and cuss about Steve Bannon being ordered to prison in a few weeks. But we figure this is the kind of thing we can celebrate for a while. There’s no expiration date on cheering a dirtbag getting what’s coming to him. Bannon is the literal scum of the Earth. He has belonged behind bars for a long time for his crimes against America, humanity and fashion. The dumb asshole is talking about not reporting to jail and becoming a fugitive. We really hope he goes that route. Run for it, Steve. Give them a reason to tase you, bro.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

France’s President Emmanuel Macron has dissolved the country’s parliament, the National Assembly, and called a snap election after an exit poll showed his Renaissance party is set to be trounced by the far-right opposition in European parliamentary elections on Sunday. More: CNN

South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem (R) didn’t appear happy with CNN’s Dana Bash asking about her dog killing story on Sunday when the host brought up the anecdote from her book released earlier this year. More: HuffPost