5.9.24 Loser fight!

Be advised: This newsletter cusses as if it got booed like that Jewish Space Lasers idiot did yesterday.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we thought about it long and hard. Giggle. And obviously we took the responsibility very seriously. There were just so many directions we could go in with the whole RFK-Jr.’s-brain-was-eaten-by-a-worm story. But ultimately we decided to go the obvious route — a dark and twisted children’s book. So gather ‘round, kids…

This is the story of Squirm the Worm. Squirm was a happy worm. He liked to eat apples and laugh and play and do charity work for marginalized and underprivileged worms. One day, Squirm crawled into an apple to frolic and eat. But this apple was different. It was dark and loud and smelled like poop and crazy. In one part of the apple, hundreds of voices screamed about how evil medicine is. Another part of the apple was just honking car horns and buzzers. And yet another part was filled with wild delusions about being president of the United States. Squirm was scared. He tried to find his way out, but he just kept getting more and more lost. He tried and he tried and he tried, but Squirm could not find an escape. So Squirm decided to eat his way out. He took a deep breath, and then he took a great big bite out of that weird and evil apple. And then Squirm died. Because it wasn’t an apple. It was RFK Jr.’s gross fucked up brain. The end.

America, don’t end up like Squirm. Vote Biden. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Oh goddamnit now we’re emotional because we got too attached to the worm. Shouldn’t have named it. Poor Squirm. Fuck. Gonna need a minute.

Note three: Btw if you think it can get any dumber or more fucked up than RFK’s brain worms, then you probably didn’t see him trying to turn it into a talking point. Fuck it. We want the worms to eat our brains too.

Note four: Tell everyone. If Trump wins, he’ll make inflation worse. And also America. He’ll make America way worse. More: Axios

Note five: The Washington Post has a shocking story today about how Trump promised the oil industry he’d give them whatever they wanted in exchange for $1 billion to his campaign. Yes, that is extremely fucked up even in 2024 America. More: Washington Post

Note six: Republicans held an event yesterday about protecting elections. They did it from the crime scene where they tried to steal the last election. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Dark Brandon did an interview with CNN yesterday, and we’re really hoping it pissed off the New York Times. For us, this election is about basic human rights for women, basic decency and democracy. But if the economy is your thing, then there’s also this…

Note eight: In other good interview news, Kristi Noem canceled one with CNN yesterday. It turns out there is no good way to spin being a puppy-murderer. Even if you go on television talking about puppy murder for a week straight. Who knew? More: Deadline

Note nine: Obviously we enjoy making fun of RFK Jr., but this asshole took it too far. What the hell is wrong with these people? Couldn’t this sick fuck just write an inappropriate children’s tale instead? More: LA Mag

Note 10: Rick Scott is in court with Trump today. Now that man is dedicated to kissing ass.

Note 11: We have asked this many times, but we must ask it again — WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH REPUBLICANS?!!!!

Note 12: So the joke is on everyone who thought puppy murder would be disqualifying for Trump. More: ABC

Note 13: Barron Trump is going to be a delegate at the Republican convention. We’ve been laying off this kid because he wasn’t involved in politics and we don’t think Trump is his actual dad. But one of those things appears to be changing. More: NBC

Note 14: RIP to Steve Albini. He was a fucked up guy who said a lot of fucked up shit, but goddamn the Pixies’ Surfer Rosa is a perfect album. More: LA Mag

Note 15: Paul Ryan said he won’t vote for Trump. Trump is very mad about this. Guys, you both suck. More: The Hill

Note 16: Dark Brandon delivered a serious FU to Trump in Wisconsin yesterday and even Fox had to share it…

Note 17: Sheryl Lee Ralph campaigned in Pennsylvania with VP Harris yesterday. We are HUGE fans of the actor. But y’all know we can’t stop talking about Abbott Elementary. Or women having basic human rights. More: WHYY

Note 18: RFK Jr. can at least blame the brain worm for some shit. But how does he explain hiring Jan. 6 scum? More: NBC

Note 19: Today’s Happy Ending is a poll, and yeah we know better but it’s Wisconsin and Biden is winning so we got excited. More: Quinnipiac

Note 20: And on that hopeful note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an awesome week. And if not, just be glad you don’t have any dead worms in your brain. Love y’all!

Whoa

So Joe Biden is getting tough with Bibi Netanayahu and Republicans are big mad. Biden said in an interview with CNN last night that he will not supply anymore bombs and ammunition to Israel if they go forward with an attack on Rafah. Biden acknowledged that U.S. bombs have been used to kill civilians and he has apparently had enough. Trump responded this morning by saying that any Jewish person who votes for Biden “should be ashamed of themselves.” With more than 35,000 dead, this fight with Bibi was inevitable but it’s still pretty surprising to see.

More: AP

Loser fight!

So Marjorie Taylor Greene made her move on Speaker MAGA Mike Johnson yesterday and it did not go well for her. Greene was booed mercilessly from the second she announced the motion to vacate. It was delicious. And then she got her ass handed to her when a motion was made to table her silly shit. While 11 Republicans joined Marge, Democrats stepped up to save MAGA Mike’s sorry ass. You’re welcome, MAGA Mike.

More: AP

Goddamnit, Georgia

Ugh. So Trump appears to be getting away with everything again. SCOTUS is delaying his Jan. 6 trial, Aileen Cannon has torpedoed his classified documents trial and now Georgia is allowing his scummy orange ass to appeal the ruling to keep Fani Willis on the case. When the whole Mueller thing was happening, TBS had a simple message that we repeated over and over again — nobody is coming to save us except us. We really hoped things would be different after numbnuts attacked the goddamn U.S. Capitol, but apparently not. So if we want justice, we’re gonna have to get it at the ballot box this November.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden said in an interview Wednesday he is all but certain Donald Trump, his predecessor and presumptive 2024 rival, will reject the results of the November election and called Trump “dangerous” for the nation. More: HuffPost

An attorney for the family of a Black airman fatally shot by a Florida deputy in his home last week is calling for the release of law enforcement bodycam footage, saying a witness believes the deputy was at the wrong apartment. More: CNN

Jack Schlossberg, the grandson of former President John F. Kennedy, is standing up for President Joe Biden, with standup comedy of sorts. More: HuffPost