5.9.23 E. Jean’s jury gets the case

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Today we’re running late and that tends to add to the f-bomb count.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you today? Freaked out and horrified by 2023 America? Yeah, us too. Shit is fucked up, and that’s putting it lightly. To make matters worse, our national news media seem just as sick and twisted as the politicians they’re covering. We still can’t believe CNN is gonna do a goddamn townhall with Trump tomorrow. Are the cops providing security concerned about being beaten with the American flag?

Well, if you’re like us you’re way too disgusted to watch that shit. So we came up with a handy list of Republican activities we would rather watch than CNN rehabbing Trump’s grotesque image…

— Mike Pompeo’s bubble bath time

— Don Jr reciting Shakespeare

— Melania giving a Michelle speech

— Gym Jordan not trying on jackets

— Lindsey Graham talking to the hair ball he made from Trump’s weird hair that he calls “Don” and dresses in tiny little suits and considers his best friend

— Josh Hawley talking about masculinity while running at a dead sprint

— Ted Cruz running away from his family again

— Rand Paul’s neighborhood cookout

— Clarence Thomas and Harlan Crow holding hands and skipping through a field of daisies

— Mike Pence twerking

That last one is gonna stay with you for a while, and we’re real sorry about that. Y’all have a good day.

Note two: Yesterday the Pulitzers were announced. Also yesterday NYPD roughly arrested a Pulizter winning photograher who was taking pictures of a protest for Jordan Neely. For a liberal city, it’s sure run by red state kinda people. More: NY Daily News

Note three: While the right is making excuses for their nazi mass murderer friend, let’s do the easy thing and be way better human beings…

Note four: America is a fucking mess.

Note five: In Maryland, Angela Alsobrooks announced this morning she is running for the Senate seat Ben Cardin is giving up. Alsobrooks is an awesome candidate. Like the California race, we’re expecting quite a few awesome candidates and panicking a little about spending shitloads of money on primaries. Raskin is talking about getting in too. Regardless, Angela is a great candidate and we’re happy to see her get in the race. More: HuffPost

Note six: How the fuck did West Virginia basketball coach Bob Huggins wake up employed today? More: HuffPost

Note seven: Brett Favre, who was last in the news for allegedly ripping off Mississippi poor people, announced yesterday he is siding with Tucker Carlson over Fox News. We’re beginning to think Brett Favre is a piece of shit. More: Daily Beast

Note eight: The scum of the earth were telling everyone yesterday that the Allen, Texas shooter wasn’t a real nazi like them and it was all a psyop. Elon Musk appears to have agreed with them. More: Daily Beast

Note nine: A poll like this can be really depressing when you look at the top name and realize Republicans are cool re-electing a guy who attacked the US Capitol. But when you look at the other names it’s so freaking hilarious. Like good job polling behind Liz Cheny, Tim Scott!

Note 10: Capitol Hill reporters got sit-down interviews with Mitch McConnell yesterday. Guess how many of them asked him about abortion or a corrupt Supreme Court. Yeah, they work for Mitch; not you. NO LINK

Note 11: It is kinda hilariously sad and fucked up though that McConnell told CNN he will support the Republican nominee for president even if it’s Trump. So Mitch won’t stand up for his own family. But don’t worry, he’ll totally stand up for yours. Probably. More: CNN

Note 12: This is a hard but necessary read. It’s called “Timothy McVeigh’s dreams are coming true.” It’s paywalled, but we tried to do a gift link. More: NY Times

Note 13: After thoroughly embarrassing themselves with a kiss-ass profile of Elizabeth Holmes, the NYT is back at it today with a pathetic profile of Nancy Mace. They even think it’s great that Mace is accusing the Biden family of running a prostitution ring without evidence. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 14: Biden is meeting with McCarthy and the other Hill leaders today. We know he won’t do it, but we sure would love for him to tell them to eat shit. Republicans are trying to crash the economy. It’s as obvious as the day is long, and we need Dark Brandon to put that shit down. More: USA Today

Note 15: Senate Democrats are trying to get either Grant Hill or Dywane Wade to run against Rick Scott in Florida. That would be awesome (even though Grant is a Dukie who threw that ball to Laettner), but why would either of those guys do that to themselves? More: NBC

Note 16: So great to see Joey Jobs come out on behalf of the Hollywood writers. Gavin Newsom managed to both-sides this one. Ugh. So thanks, Mr. President! More: NBC

Note 17: Tomorrow is Jamie Comer’s big press conference that’s finally gonna nail the Biden family. It is of course a joke, so feel free to ignore him and the beltway publications that fall for this shit. More: HuffPost

Note 18: That Jan. 6er who was also a nazi and a naval reservist was sentenced to four years yesterday. Rot, asshole. More: ABC

Note 19: CNN isn’t the only group hosting Trump tomorrow night. New Hampshire’s Saint Anselm College is too. How disgusting of them. Trump succeeds because this country has an infinite supply of shameless unprincipled sleazebags who would sell out their only families for two seconds next to a famous person. And that’s exactly what you want in a college. More: NHPR

Note 20: And on that annoyed note, let’s go do some news! We hope your week is off to a wonderful start, and if it ain’t, well we know who’s to blame. Have a great day, SPs, and we’ll see you back here tomorrow. Love y’all!

Waiting

Closing arguments in E. Jean Carroll’s defamation case against Trump wrapped up yesterday, and the jury got the case today. True to form, Trump made an ass of himself at the last minute, posting a Truth Social whatever saying that he was never allowed to speak or defend himself. That is of course a fucking lie. He also promised to appeal no matter the outcome. Ok dude. We just want to again thank E. Jean and the many brave women who testified. May their courage be an inspiration to a nation that desperately needs it.

More: Guardian

Not getting our hopes up

So the poor families of mass shootings in Texas have been giving everything they’ve got to get the heartless scum in the Texas legislature to raise the minimum age to buy a semi-automatic rifle from 18 to 21. It looked like they were gonna get sold out again yesterday in committee. And then something shocking happened. Two Republicans joined the Democrats on the committee and the legislation was voted out favorably. One of the Republicans is already having to defend himself, so we’re not expecting this to become law. But our voices are clearly working. So let’s get louder.

More: Texas Tribune

Listen to him

In a statement yesterday, the anti-abortion zealots at the Susan B. Anthony Foundation said they went with Lindsey Graham and Tony Perkins to meet with Trump on abortion. They said he agreed that a national abortion ban is needed. He also added some bullshit about exceptions, but try to keep in mind who is setting the exceptions. The bottom line is this — Trump judges overturned Roe, and Trump wants to take that shit nationwide.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Former Rep. Liz Cheney (R-Wyo.), whose support for impeaching Donald Trump for inciting the U.S. Capitol riot cost her her congressional seat, slams the former president in a new television attack ad that aired in New Hampshire on Tuesday. More: HuffPost

A U.S. Army sergeant convicted of murder in the shooting death of an armed protester in a Black Lives Matter march in Texas faces up to life in prison when his sentencing hearing begins Tuesday, even as Gov. Greg Abbott presses for the chance to pardon the soldier. More: HuffPost

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