5.8.24 Stop teasing!

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it can’t un-hear some of the shit it heard yesterday.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, hell has gone and frozen over because we’re about to say some shit we never thought we’d say — Trump was right. WHAT?! TBS, how dare you?! You’re so good looking and Trump is never right about anything! Well you’re right. And thank you. But just this once, we have decided to take Trump’s advice. We’re going to inject bleach. Into our eyeballs and our brains. Why? Well mostly so we can forget about this fucked up shit…

Ewwwwwwwwww!!!!! What the fucking fuck is wrong with that dude?!!!! Does he want us all puking all the time?! Screw it. Bring on the bleach, the disinfectant and the sunlight. Put it all in a goddamn syringe and inject it right into our fucking foreheads because we want to forget this shit. And the no-condom part. And the spanking part. And the part where that miserable orange asshead became president of the United States.

The judge said yesterday that Trump was cussing in court. Well we’re cussing about this sick shit too. So sign us up for stupid. We’re bleach boys now. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re very excited to get to the news section and cuss out “Judge” Aileen Cannon. Here’s a taste — Aileen Cannon can eat a big bag of shit.

Note three: The Republican scumbag in Wisconsin who forgot the words to the pledge of allegiance and is running for Senate had to take down an ad attacking Tammy Baldwin because it’s bullshit. Ok so it wasn’t him. It was his friends. We still think he sucks. More: Heartland Signal

Note four: Yesterday the Biden campaign put out an ad to remind Latino voters that Trump kidnapped kids and separated families. Maybe they should remind everyone about this heinous shit. More: Axios

Note five: Trump said again he’s fine with states monitoring pregnant women. What do we have to do to get the New York Times to care as much about this as they do emails?

Note six: Gov. Hochul is not our favorite Democrat. We’re not even sure she is a Democrat. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Marjorie Taylor Gross has some demands for Mike Johnson. And for reasons we will never understand, he seems fine humoring that silly shit. Good luck, asshole. More: Politico

Note eight: Is anyone else starting to think that Trump’s marriage might be a little rocky? Or is it just us?

Note nine: We don’t know who Macklemore is, but he sure is mad at Joe Biden. More: HuffPost

Note 10: How in the hell is this still going? She’s taking her PR team to the gravel pit, right?

Note 11: Yesterday Donald Trump again said that Jan. 6 was no big deal. We disagree. And also fuck him. More: NBC

Note 12: File this under About Damn Time. The WNBA is going to start chartering flights for their teams. That league is exploding with popularity, and they should be treated like it. More: AP

Note 13: In that Pennsylvania interview yesterday, Trump said the 16 percent of Republican primary voters who picked Nikki Haley even after she dropped out is “a very small number.” Keep believing that, orangey. More: WGAL

Note 14: Remember how Trump whined and cried about not going to his son’s graduation? Well he’s going to a fundraiser in Minnesota that day. More: LA Mag

Note 15: This is one of those stories that shocks the shit out of us but also doesn’t surprise us at all. Y’all know we’re gonna have a fake interview with the worm tomorrow.

Note 16: The Bozell family have been prominent members of the conservative movement in this country for decades. So we probably shouldn’t be surprised that one of them attacked the U.S. Capitol. Lock him up! More: NBC

Note 17: President Biden is doing an interview with Erin Burnett of CNN today. He’s doing it from Wisconsin. The New York Times is gonna be so pissed.

Note 18: Team Biden is spending big to remind voters that Trump wants to “terminate” the Affordable Care Act. Let’s go!!! More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending we take you to Indiana where about 130,000 Republicans voted for Nikki Haley instead of Trump. And yes, Haley dropped out and disappeared off the face of the Earth a while ago. Trumpy is in trouble. More: Politico

Note 20: And on that encouraging note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week. And if you are, we assume you missed some of the details from Trump’s trial. Love y’all!

Stop teasing!

We want Donald Trump to go to jail so badly that we’re even willing to believe the word of New York City Mayor Eric Adams. And we don’t believe anything that dude says. Still, yesterday the mayor said that the jail at Rikers Island is ready for Trump if his orange ass should end up there. Is it going to happen? Probably not. But we can dream.

More: Axios

Go for it

As part of his deal with Marjorie Taylor Greene, MAGA Mike Johnson is now threatening to cut off funding to Special Counsel Jack Smith. Yesterday at a press conference, Johnson made clear he wants the GOP-controlled House to use its authority to interfere into the investigations into Trump, and it just so happens that one of MTG’s demands was for Johnson to defund Smith. Of course neither the Senate nor the president will ever sign off on this stupid shit, but it’s good to know how full of crap the law and order crowd really is.

More: ABC

GODDAMNIT!!!

Well that thing we all knew was gonna happen finally happened. Just two weeks before Trump was scheduled to go to trial for stealing our nation’s classified secrets and stashing them at his South Florida Orgy Palace, “Judge” Aileen Cannon has postponed the trial indefinitely and set up some hearings to try and sully Smith. It’s pretty hard to have any faith at all in the justice system when it’s so thoroughly and obviously corrupt, but we’re still gonna try. Isn’t it nice that a judge is trying to prevent American voters from knowing what Trump stole and why? Goddamnit!!!! Hey Cannon, fuck you!

More: CNN

Today’s clips

Biden plans to announce a $3.3 billion investment from Microsoft to build a new artificial intelligence facility located on the same site where, in 2018, then-President Trump broke ground on what was supposed to be a signature project under his administration: an electronics factory for Taiwan’s Foxconn, which had secured billions in tax credits and promised thousands of jobs. More: CNN

The U.S. paused a shipment of bombs to Israel last week over concerns that Israel was approaching a decision on launching a full-scale assault on the southern Gaza city of Rafah against the wishes of the U.S., a senior administration official said Tuesday. More: HuffPost