5.8.23 A Texas weekend

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity like it’s written in a country where nazi assholes can easily buy machine guns and shoot people at the fucking mall and nobody in power does a goddamn thing about it.

Note: Howdy, you gorgeous goddamn Sexy Patriots! How the heck are you? Yeah, us too. And we’ve got some heavy shit to cover today, so we figured we’d start by laughing our asses off at Ron DeSucksAtRunningForPresident…

LOLOL. If you have to write “likable” on your note card, then you ain’t. As luck would have it, we got our hands on some of the other stage directions and reminders Ron DeShithead has been putting on his notes and we thought we’d share them…

BE A RACIST ASSHOLE

GET YOUR ASS WHOOPED BY MICKEY MOUSE

CONTROL WOMEN’S BODIES BECAUSE THEY’RE ALL LAUGHING AT YOU

WEAR THOSE WHITE BOOTS THEY LOOK AMAZING ON YOU

TALK IN A WEIRD HIGH-PITCHED VOICE THAT PEOPLE HATE

FLEE THE STATE WHENEVER A NATURAL DISASTER HITS

TRAFFIC HUMANS LIKE JESUS TOTALLY WOULD HAVE

DON’T SAY GAY AND DON’T SAY DON’T SAY GAY

LOVE AR-15S; HATE CHILDREN

FUCK UP FLORIDA

GET YOUR ASS WHOOPED BY A DEGENERATE INSURRECTIONIST MONSTER

Hmmmm. Yeah, we don’t think this guy should be president. Or governor. Or allowed in McDonald’s. Y’all have a great day.

Note two: We’re gonna skip the coronation from this weekend. We just never got into giving a shit about royal rich people.

Note three: We finally figured out who Kyrsten Sinema is — she’s the New York Times. And vice versa. They wrote yet another kissy-face profile of someone who lied to and is despised by her constituents. And we ain’t linking to it. NO LINK

Note four: Did y’all see the WaPo poll showing really bad news for Joe Biden? Well these polls also told us about a red tsunami last year and that was total bullshit. There are plenty o newsletters to act all hysterical about silly shit like this. We ain’t one of ‘em. More: WaPo

Note five: TBS, why are you so critical of the New York Times. Oh no reason…

Note six: And not to be outdone, NBC has convinced itself that DeSantis getting humiliated by Disney is actually a good thing… More: NBC

Note seven: If you haven’t read the NYT on Elizabeth Holmes, don’t. It will only piss you off.

Note eight: Senate Republicans announced over the weekend they are backing McCarthy’s play to hold the debt ceiling hostage. We’re looking at a June 1 breach, so get ready for Republicans to kill the economy and their reporter friends to make excuses for it. More: CNN

Note nine: Axios reported over the weekend that Tucker Carlson is ready to go to war with Fox. Axios has also been caught covering up a Trump tantrum and firing a reporter for calling out DeSantis’s propaganda. That’s why we’re not linking to Axios.

Note 10: Everything is totally fucking normal over at Fox…

Note 11: Here’s a huge shock — a Texas lawmaker leading the charge against groomers is getting expelled from the Texas House for having a sexual relationship with a 19-year-old he gave booze to. Seems like law enforcement should really focus on every middle-aged white dude who uses the word groomer. More: Texas Tribune

Note 12: Elon Musk spent the weekend tweeting out lies about Black on Black crime. Gosh it sure is hard to understand what this guy’s politics are. NO LINK

Note 13: House Oversight Chairman Jamie Comer is promising he finally has evidence of Hunter Biden he’s going to unveil this Wednesday. It’s just that stupid Burisma shit again, but do expect the Capitol Hill press corps to fall for it. You know it’s about real accountability when Comer is telling everyone his press conference should take priority over an actual indictment. More: The Hill

Note 14: Who could’ve guessed that Richard Dreyfuss is an asshole except everyone? This is why we were all rooting so hard for Bob. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Ok one coronation pic. Isn’t it cool to be represented by class instead of Melania?

Note 16: Whoa. Prosecutors are asking for 25 years in prison for Oath Keeper Stewart Rhodes. Actually, screw the Whoa. That might even be too easy for seditious conspiracy. More: NBC

Note 17: And on Friday, some Jan. 6 trash named Peter Schwartz was sentenced to more than 14 years in prison. Now do the guy who sent him. More: AP

Note 18: In case you need a laugh today, Madison Cawthorn spent last week pleading guilty to trying to take a loaded gun through an airport and then said he’s coming back to politics. Good luck with that shit, champ. More: Charlotte Observer (Paywall)

Note 19: We’d like to end today by sending our deepest sympathies to the family of Virginia Moore. Virginia was the sign language interpreter for Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear during all of Andy’s COVID briefings, and it would be an understatement to call her beloved. RIP, Virginia. More: WKYT

Note 20: And on that melancholy note, let’s go do some news. We hope y’all had a good weekend. This is gonna be a fucked up week with CNN interviewing Trump, House Rs going after Biden’s family and who knows what else. So let’s take it on together. Love y’all!

Dick

Yesterday afternoon, Dick Durbin tweeted out that if John Roberts won’t do something about SCOTUS’s lack of ethics, then Senate Judiciary will. It sounds good, but the tweet was mostly damage control after Durbin went on CNN and got embarrassed by Jake Tapper. First Durbin said that history would judge Roberts and his court and then he stumbled badly over the DiFi stuff. This is a mess, and Schumer needs to do something about it. Assuming he’s not meeting with Elon again this week.

More: HuffPost

A Texas weekend

This weekend in Texas, there was another mass shooting and some lunatic piece of shit drove his car into a bunch of migrants. So yeah it was another bloody weekend in America, and this is exactly how Republicans want it. In Allen, Texas, a nazi white-supremacist monster took an AR-15 to the mall and killed a bunch of innocent people. And in Brownsville, another miserable piece of shit killed eight people driving into a bus stop outside a migrant shelter. Texas Republicans taught their people to kill, and that’s exactly what’s happening.

More: CNN, NPR

Gutless

On Friday, Trump told reporters he was flying back to New York to “confront” E. Jean Carroll. Hearing this, the judge gave Trump until 5 pm Sunday to say whether or not he would testify. And then 5 pm came and went and Trump ain’t testifying because he’s a chickenshit with a big mouth. Closing arguments are underway, and we’re sending love, support and gratitude to E. Jean. More: NBC

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden and Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg are set to unveil a proposal on Monday requiring airlines to compensate passengers for major flight delays and cancellations. More: HuffPost

Donald Trump once famously bragged that he could shoot someone on Manhattan’s Fifth Avenue and not lose any supporters.

What he didn’t mention was how quickly the news media would pretend like it never even happened. More: HuffPost

Support Today’s Big Stuff

If you have a friend, family member, or neighbor that would like to sign up for this free daily newsletter they can go to TodaysBigStuff.com.

Unlike a lot of soulless Washington newsletters, you won’t see us making out with defense contractors or oil companies for a little extra ad money. It’s gross as hell, and they won’t return our calls. Our goal is to keep Today’s Big Stuff free and available for anyone who needs a laugh during these trying times. But we need your help to do it.

Your donations help us cover the costs of distributing this newsletter and allow us to keep it pure, honest and foul-mouthed as a motherfucker.

So much of the media these days are pulling their punches and afraid to tell the truth because they don’t want to piss off their advertisers. Not us! Advertisers don’t want anything to do with us, and if they did, we would piss them off in like two seconds.

So please chip in what you can and let’s keep Today’s Big Stuff for the people! Make a contribution here.