5.7.24 Stormy forecast

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like that puppy-murderer won’t shut the hell up about murdering puppies.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots. We’re going to do something a tad different today. Don’t worry. We’ll still do lots of poop jokes and f-bombs and look hot as hell while we do. But we want y’all to see something powerful and good and inspiring before we get all cynical and shit. So thank you for this, Rep. Wexton…

Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: You’re not gonna believe this fucking bullshit, but TBS was once again shut out of the Pulizter prizes. Yeah, totally fucking rigged. Anyway, congrats to ProPublica for its well-deserved win for their story about Clarence Thomas and his sugar daddies. More: ProPublica

Note three: Obama campaign manager David Plouffe is doing a podcast with Kellyanne Conway. Seems like a scummy thing to do to us. But only because we know who Kellyanne Conway is. More: The Hill

Note four: Trump hinted yesterday he’d be ok going to jail. We’d be ok with that too. More: HuffPost

Note five: Kevin Spacey endorsed RFK Jr. What’s the opposite of congratulations?

Note six: You wanna hear something really fucked up? Kristi Noem’s team told her two years ago not to talk about murdering dogs. But she just couldn’t help herself. Yikes. More: Politico

Note seven: We apologize but we are just not cool enough to intelligently discuss any rap beefs other than the post-breakup era of NWA.

Note eight: So Hamas accepted a ceasefire, but Israel said it didn’t meet its conditions and started its attack on Rafah. More: NBC

Note nine: Can you believe it’s already May? Is this the fastest year in history?

Note 10: Boy, Republicans and JFK Jr. really suck at the whole celebrity endorser thing, don’t they?

Note 11: We are forever grateful to be on the same side of this shit as heroes like Luke Skywalker. We’re sorry we forgot to wish everyone a happy May 4. More: CNN

Note 12: Today is an Election Day. If your state is having a primary, please participate in it. It’s a good way to exercise your voting fingers before the big show in November. Thank you.

Note 13: Mike Collins is kinda sorta not so sure about his post praising racist behavior. And we kinda sorta still think he’s an asshole. More: The Hill

Note 14: There are no pictures of us walking the red carpet at the Met Gala because we were not invited. We were shocked too. Fuckers.

Note 15: We’re starting to think this Matt Gaetz fella ain’t on the level. And should probably be in prison.

Note 16: Today President Biden is giving an important speech about antisemitism. We think this is way better than having dinner with neo-nazi trash. More: AP

Note 17: Some members of the Libertarian Party are mad Trump was invited to speak to their convention. We get it. We’d be pretty pissed if he was invited to the DNC. More: Washington Post

Note 18: Donald Trump is talking shit about Jon Tester’s weight? Has Trump never met Trump?! More: HuffPost

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we’re gonna talk about polls even though we always tell y’all and ourselves that you should ignore polls because they suck. But still this is pretty awesome…

Note 20: And on that meaningless but exciting note, let’s go do some news! We hope your week is off to a great start. And we really hope Kristi Noem stops talking soon. Love y’all!

Whoa

Holy freaking shitballs. A Republican is doing the right thing. Former Georgia Lt. Gov. Geoff Duncan is Liz Chenying. Duncan wrote in an oped for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution that he will vote for Joe Biden over Donald Trump because Trump is a crazed shit-for-brains who will end America. He didn’t put it exactly like that, but that was the gist. More of this, please!

More: AJC

Not cool

We like supporting a pro-dog president. We also like that they defend their dog from super scary Republicans who like to kill dogs. Jesus. American politics are sure in the fucking gutter these days. Anyway, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre said that Kristi Noem’s suggestion that Commander Biden should be killed is “disturbing” and “absurd.” Jean-Pierre said that “this is a country that loves dogs.” Dang right. And not only that but we don’t take too kindly to soulless psycho freaks who like killing dogs. Thank you to the Biden White House for being anti-puppy-murder.

More: CNN

Stormy forecast

Oh Donald Trump is angry today. It seems that the prosecution in New York City is trying to call Stormy Daniels as a witness. Trump was so mad he posted about it on Truth Social and then deleted it because his sorry orange ass could go to jail for shit like that. The judge has agreed, but only if Stormy doesn’t talk about Trump’s genitalia. And really that’s a good thing for everyone.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

After a two-hour-long meeting Monday with the speaker, Marjorie Taylor Greene — and Capitol Hill writ large — could get a much better sense Tuesday of the future of her efforts to oust Mike Johnson from the House’s top spot. More: Politico

Destructive storms roared through the Plains Monday, unloading at least one deadly tornado, giant hail and hurricane-force wind gusts. As some communities pick up the pieces, new ones must prepare for the threat of strong tornadoes in the Midwest. More: CNN