5.5.23 Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Be advised: This newsletter uses cuss words. Fancy beltway newsletters are sponsored by oil, drug and defense companies. Which seems more obscene to you?

Note: You made it, Sexy Patriots! The weekend is here! And it’s not just any weekend. It’s Derby Weekend! Yes, one of the authors of this newsletter is a Kentuckian, so once a year he is flat out insufferable about a silly horse race that lasts two freaking minutes.

But it also gave us a great idea for today’s opening note — what if prominent Republicans were Derby horses? What would their names be? We took a crack at a few, but hit reply and give us your best ones…

Heidi’s Hero — Ted Cruz (we also considered Oswald’s Sire and Cancun Sunrise)

Turtleman Too — Mitch McConnell (mostly because no one ever named a horse Sleazy Asshead)

Candyman — Kevin McCarthy (other possibilities include 15 Failures and the idiot stank ass donkey that hangs out by the barn)

Cocoon’s Revenge — Rand Paul (lol)

Mother’s Chicken — Mike Pence (needs no explanation)

Forgothisfuckingnamealready — Mike Pompeo

Pee Pee Trail — Josh Hawley (the odds-on favorite in any event that involves sprinting like a coward)

White Booty — Ron DeSantis (you know it had to have white in the name)

Hulk Hogain’t Seen a Thing — Jim Jordan (a bit long but made us laugh)

And finally, if you ever see a horse named Donald Trump, make sure you DO NOT be on him. You know he’s just gonna shit everywhere, bite his handlers, lose the race and then charge the stands looking for Mike Pence. Happy Derby weekend, everyone!

Note two: If you think horse racing is cruel to animals, we don’t really blame you and we hope today’s opening note didn’t piss you off. We also understand if you’re not real keen on the Bluegrass right now because of the soulless corrupt asshole politicians the state produces.

Note three: Fuck. The scum in North Carolina actually did it. They passed an abortion ban. The governor is going to veto it, but thanks to that turncoat trash Tricia Cothram, they’ve got the numbers to override it. Hope for a miracle, and then organize to beat these assholes. More: News Observer

Note four: Things are going great for Kari Lake. Not only is she governor in her mind, but the Arizona state Supreme Court says she has to pay $2,000 for being totally full of shit. Keep going, Kari! You’re doing wonderful! More: ABC

Note five: We hope everyone had a great Star Wars Day. So great to see Carrie Fischer finally get her star. Also, we don’t talk enough about how awesome it is that Luke Skywalker grew up to be a great fucking dude.

Note six: It’s pretty dang messed up how badly the Capitol Hill press seems to want a default. How bad has your life gotten as a journalist if you spend all your time carrying water for Kevin McCarthy?

Note seven: This one is hard to share. It’s a ProPublia story, and they’ve been on a roll. But this one is about a Democrat, and it’s about a Democrat we like. But this is really fucked up. More: ProPublica

Note eight: How much do House Republicans hate cops? They can’t even get it together to pass a resolution honoring law enforcement. More: CNN

Note nine: We’re not into Formula One, but that’s about to change. F1 superstar Sir Lewis Hamilton is racing in Florida and he’s calling out the state’s anti-LGBTQ bullshit. Wouldn’t it be great if more athletes did this? More: Yahoo Sports

Note 10: Btw, when an international superstar is comparing your state to Saudi Arabia, then you have royally fucked up.

Note 11: OMB Director Shalanda Young is done with Kevin McCarthy and his press corp’s bullshit…

Note 12: Wow! Colin Allred has already raised $2 million since announcing his bid against Ted Cruz. Meanwhile Cruz is defending his three-times-a-week podcast. This is such an obvious choice. To everyone but Texas. More: Business Insider

Note 13: LOL. Apparently Jack Smith has a confidential cooperator in the Mar-a-Lago stolen docs case. It’s totally Melania, right? More: NY Times

Note 14: Remember yesterday when Trump was in Scotland talking tough about flying back and confronting E. Jean Carroll? Well the judge has called his bluff and given him a few days to let the court know if he’s testifying. When his chicken ass does not, they will begin closing arguments. More: NBC

Note 15: Shall we check in on Ron DeSantis and his fight with Mickey Mouse and HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Note 16: The bad news is Florida Republicans continue to take out their failures on trans kids and their families. Now they’ve passed a bill that would let trans kids be taken from their families. Some truly sick shit. More: New Republic

Note 17: Andrew Gillum was found not guilty of lying to the FBI. Hopefully they’ll finally leave that man alone. More: NBC

Note 18: More of this please!

Note 19: We want to leave you today with this important column Will Bunch wrote about Jordan Neely. We’re losing our humanity, y’all. And we need to get that shit back. More: Inquirer

Note 20: And on that solemn but cussy note, let’s go do some news and then go do some weekend. We love y’all, and we sure hope you’re keeping your heads up amid all the bullshit. Have a great weekend, and we’ll see you back here Monday.

Traitors

We mentioned this in yesterday’s TBS, but it’s a big goddamn deal so we’re mentioning it again. Enrique Tarrio and his scumbag Proud Boy buddies were convicted yesterday for seditious conspiracy. This makes them fucking traitors. But hey, they’re also pretty good friends with Trump World. Isn’t it weird how so much of the press have acted like they’re totally separate?

More: AP

WHOA

Joey Jobs is on a fucking roll! Remember how last month all the pundits who are always wrong about jobs reports kept telling us that the labor market was cooling? Well they were wrong again. We got a new report today, and it is smoking hot. Last month the economy added 253,000 jobs (estimate was 180,000), dropping the unemployment rate to a 50-year low and the Black unemployment rate to an all-time low. This is great news, so why the fuck aren’t we hearing more about it?

More: CNN

This is getting ridiculous

So yeah, the Thomas family is fucking corrupt. Yesterday we were being sarcastic when we said Clarence might be corrupt, but there’s no doubt now. Yesterday evening yet another report dropped, this one about how Leonard Leo used Kellyanne Conway as a bagman to get Ginni Thomas $25,000 without anyone knowing it was going to her. This isn’t going to stop. We are going to keep seeing more and more reports like this. We know John Roberts won’t do shit about it. So what will the Senate Judiciary Committee do?

More: Washington Post (Paywall)

Today’s clips

The World Health Organization said Friday that COVID-19 no longer qualifies as a global emergency, marking a symbolic end to the devastating coronavirus pandemic that triggered once-unthinkable lockdowns, upended economies worldwide and killed at least 7 million people worldwide. More: HuffPost

North Carolina Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson, the current Republican favorite to be the party’s nominee for governor in 2024, has a long history of remarks viciously mocking and attacking teenage survivors of the 2018 shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida, for their advocacy for gun control measures. More: CNN

Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) on Thursday defended her absence from the Senate, saying that her monthslong recovery from shingles hasn’t slowed the pace of confirming President Joe Biden’s judicial nominees. More: HuffPost

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