5.4.23 Clarence Thomas might be corrupt

It’s Thursday. There are 551 days until the presidential election. Herschel Walker might be in trouble, House Republicans give themselves a raise and Clarence Thomas might be corrupt.

Be advised: This newsletter has a lot of news and a lot of cussing. Makes sense they’d go together, right?

Note: Huddle up, Sexy Patriots. It’s Sexy Pep Talk Time.

Y’all, the good team has been on a winning streak. We overperformed last year and we’re cleaning up in crucial special elections like the one in Wisconsin. So why does it feel like we’re losing? Well, SPs, for a number of reasons — Trump is still breathing free air, the Jan. 6 shitheads are now running the House, there are mass shootings every 15 goddamn minutes and, most importantly, the Trump Supreme Court did the kind of truly fucked up damage you can’t undo with one election.

There’s a lot of bleak shit going down, and we totally get it if all the bad stuff has got you bummed. But here’s the good news — you’ve been through worse.

You have lived in a shit-covered hell before! For four miserable years, you stood tall in the face of a tweeting tiny-handed psycho who took great joy in tormenting us and fucking things up. You held your nose, you persevered, you resisted and you beat the orange devil the first chance you got. You can do it again. Does it suck gross pimply hog butt that you have to? Yes. Yes, it does. But this is just the big dumb goddamn challenge of our lives. The greatest generation had Hitler, and we have an idiot fucking gameshow host. But hey, the Stay Puft Marshmallow man was easy to mock until he started spitting fire all over NYC.

But like the Ghostbusters, we know we must defeat this cartoonish threat we might occasionally underestimate with our mockery. But we know we must stop Gozer from destroying the city. We know it will take all of us working together. We know we’re the only ones who can do it. So let us cross the streams and once again rally to save this great country for the forces of democracy, decency and sexiness.

Ok everybody in. Sexy Patriots on three. ONE-TWO-THREE-SEXY PATRIOTS!!! WOOHOO!!!

Note two: It’s been a few years since we compared the Sexy Patriot Universe to the Ghostbusters, so that’s for new subscribers. Welcome! We ain’t afraid of no ghosts!

Note three: The dictionary just gets us…

Note four: House Republicans are dusting off the attacks that got Trump impeached. And aside from HuffPo, the press seems fine to go along with it again. House Rs don’t have shit except a complicit press corps. More: HuffPost

Note five: It sure seems gross and problematic that both New York’s governor and mayor can’t condemn someone murdering an unarmed man on the subway. How the hell did these two scumbags get in our party? More: Hellgate NYC

Note six: Trump sure does love people who beat cops. You know that shitty Jan. 6 song he loves so much? Well according to WaPo, five of the 15 men singing were arrested for assaulting the police. Anyone else ready to talk about that in an election year? Yeah, we are too. More: Washington Post

Note seven: Happy Star Wars Day, fellow nerds! We’re so glad to see Carrie Fischer is getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame today, but um why the hell is this just happening now? More: AP

Note eight: This country is very lucky to have Sen. Rev. Warnock in the Senate. We should be listening to him. Especially after his kids are stuck in a shooting lockdown.

Note nine: What Florida and Ron DeShithead are doing to women is a fucking horror show. More: CNN

Note 10: Tucker Carlson is still fired.

Note 11: Joe Manchin is probably going to tank Biden’s nominee to be Labor Secretary. Mostly because he sucks. But it also sure seems like he has a problem with women of color. Remember that the only person he ever punished for Jan. 6 was Neera Tanden. More: Slate

Note 12: Special Counsel Jack Smith is looking into whether any of the surveillance footage at Mar-a-Lago was tampered with. Sounds bad. Can’t wait to hear about it at Trump’s trial 7,000 years from now. More: CNN

Note 13: Oh and ol’ Jackie Law also sat in on Pence’s testimony. Bet that made Mikey pee himself a little. More: CNN

Note 14: Trump’s lawsuit against Mary Trump and the New York Times was tossed yesterday. Is it possible that old boy is worse in court than he was in the White House? No, you’re right. Nothing is worse than that. More: Guardian

Note 15: Dark Brandon dropped his second campaign ad yesterday…

Note 16: The Federal Reserve continued its efforts to put Americans out of work yesterday, raising interest rates again by half a point. That’s the highest level since 2007. Gosh, can anyone tell us what happened then? More: NBC

Note 17: Remember that horrible trash in North Carolina who changed parties because her feelings were hurt? Well because of the super majority she gave Republicans, they’re now pushing through an abortion ban. We’d cuss that woman’s soul, but we’re pretty sure she ain’t got one. More: WRAL

Note 18: Remember the FBI guy who was arrested this week for Jan. 6? Wanna know what his job at the bureau was? Supervising the homegrown terrorist team. No wonder the homegrown terrorists are doing so well. More: NBC

Note 19: Let’s end on a happy note — a jury just came back and said those Proud Boys on trial are guilty of seditious conspiracy. Enjoy prison, you treasonous scum! NO LINK YET

Note 20: Yay! Now let’s do some news and then knock out this Thursday. We love doing this newsletter so much, and we’re so grateful for y’all. We know the bastards don’t have you down. But if they do, just know you’ve got friends who are flipping them off. Love y’all!

Oh Herschel

So we totally blocked the existence of Herschel Walker and how close his dumb ass came to the Senate from our memories. So it took a moment yesterday when we saw the Daily Beast break a story about Walker’s shocking campaign finance violations. It turns out, everybody’s favorite FBI agent was asking billionaires to send lots and lots of money to a company he made up. Yeah, even the billionaires feel taken advantage of. Herschel came within less than 100,000 votes of winning this shit. Now he might go to prison.

What the fuck?

So y’all can guess how much we like linking to a Fox News story. And frankly we’re as surprised as you are. But we think this might be something. While Republicans are trying to cut veterans services and funding for law enforcement, they’ve decided to give themselves a raise. And they did it without a vote. Instead Kevin McCarthy just decided that taxpayers are going to reimburse members for rent, utilities and meals to the tune of about $30,000 a person. The best part about this is watching Fox break the news and then emphasize that it’s not a pay raise. YEAH IT FUCKING IS!

More: Fox

BROKUS SCOTUS

So the hits just keep on coming for a super corrupt Supreme Court justice. This morning ProPublica broke the story of how Clarence Thomas’s nephew, who the Thomases are raising, has been going to a boarding school and Harlan Crow has been paying the $6,000 a month tuition. So Crow is paying for Thomases mom’s rent, his nephew’s tuition and all the Thomas family vacations. But don’t worry. Dick Durbin’s only response has been to call for John Roberts to do something.

More: ProPublica 

Today’s clips

Brittney Griner caught a flight to Washington, D.C., to attend the White House Correspondents’ Association dinner, landed back at Phoenix around 4 a.m. and was up five hours later for the start of training camp. More: AP

The New York attorney general’s office last week said Ivanka Trump was stonewalling in its fraud lawsuit against ex-President Donald Trump and his children. More: HuffPost

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