5.3.24 Joey Jobs

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it keeps getting caught falling asleep in court like a fucking loser.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, part of living in a democracy is being big enough to admit you’ve been beat and concede gracefully. You certainly shouldn’t attack the U.S. Capitol like a deranged door-humping dumbfuck. And since some orange dirtbags are having a hard time learning that lesson, we thought today we would lead by example. Y’all, today we got beat. We lost. And we are conceding gracefully.

Because there is simply no way we can come up with anything funnier cussing-wise than this goddamn poetry and the fact that it was read in court in front of the evil man himself…

Seriously we almost shitzed in our pants we laughed so hard. How the fuck is this dude in the running to be president?! Anyway, we thought about it but we simply cannot top that so we’re not even gonna try. We concede. See how fucking easy that was? Y’all have a blessed weekend.

Note two: If you’ve ever thought about subscribing to our cussing podcast to help support our cussing newsletter, then this should be the week. You are not gonna want to miss this. Folks, this week we have an exclusive with the Ghost of Cricket the Dog. That’s right. The spirit of the puppy that Kristi Noem murdered is a guest on our podcast. You won’t find this kind of content anywhere, y’all. Most people have more sense than to do shit like this. More: Patreon

Note three: Yesterday in court some secret Michael Cohen tapes dropped and holy shit they are damning. It’s almost like Trump is guilty as all hell. More: HuffPost

Note four: Amid campus arrests, the mainstream media has not been reliable. Shocker. Here’s what student journalists are saying. More: Politico

Note five: We’re right to worry about antisemitism on campuses. But we should also be pretty fucking worried that the richest man in the world fucking loves nazis.

Note six: If you want to be sick, look at some of the appalling footage from the protest at Ole Miss yesterday. We’ve seen this before. More: Mississippi Today

Note seven: We love the Rolling Stones. Always have. Now that Mick Jagger called out the governor of Louisiana while that sick fuck was in the audience, we love them even more. More: WDSU

Note eight: Btw, Sam’s Mick Jagger impression is 100 percent perfect.

Note nine: The RFK campaign is as exactly fucked up as you’d think it is. More: Washington Examiner

Note 10: And Trump is shitting himself over the indie candidate. Or just shitting himself because that’s his thing. Or both.

Note 11: “A moment of relief.” Arizona Gov. Katie Hobbs yesterday signed a bill to overturn the 1864 abortion law. Thank goodness. But it will take a while to take effect and then it returns the state to a 15-week ban. We can change that this November. More: LA Mag

Note 12: Trump said he’s not falling asleep in court. “I simply close my beautiful blue eyes sometimes.” Sure, orangey. And that healthcare plan is coming any minute now. More: CNBC

Note 13: The Kentucky Derby is this weekend. Who you got? We bet a horse wins. More: NBC

Note 14: Robert De Niro cussing out Trump every chance he gets is one of our favorite underreported stories of the last several years. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We love cussing Dark Brandon…

Note 16: Biden has finalized a rule to open up Obamacare to DACA recipients. People who love the teachings of Jesus should be applauding this move. Right? More: Politico

Note 17: Trump glaring at Lawrence O’Donnell in court is just delicious. More: HuffPost

Note 18: LOL. Trump Media’s accounting company has been busted for “massive fraud.” Now do Trump Media. More: CNN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we go to the start of the WNBA preseason. Tonight Caitlin Clark will debut with the Indiana Fever. Good luck to everyone in the league. Have a great season. More: CNN

Note 20: And on that exciting note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an awesome week and an even awesomer weekend. Maybe you’ll party so hard you’ll shitz yourself. LOL. Love y’all!

Joey Jobs

Ok so this jobs report came in below expectations, but the economy still added 175,000 jobs last month. And while the unemployment rate ticked up to 3.9 percent, that still means unemployment has been below 4 percent for 27 months. The last time that happened Nixon was in office. This is a good jobs report in the sense that it could lead the Fed to slash interest rates. The bottom line is Joey Jobs is still doing the damn thing.

More: CNBC

Yikes

How the fuck did Kristi Noem ever get elected to anything? It’s bad enough that she used her new book to brag about murdering her puppy, but she also apparently lied about meeting Kim Jong Un. Yikes! Maybe instead of banning books, these dimwitted freaks should spend more time on writing theirs.

More: Politico

Congrats!

Well this is well deserved. Today Nancy Pelosi will receive the Medal of Freedom from President Joe Biden. If there’s a Speaker of the House in American history who got more done than NP, we don’t know who it is. Congratulations and thank you to a true American public servant. And congrats to Rep. Jim Clyburn, Al Gore, Michelle Yeoh and the late Medgar Evers on their honors as well. That’s just a partial list so you’ll have to click the link. Sorry.

More: NPR

Today’s clips

Federal prosecutors have charged a former government employee with falsely accusing seven colleagues — many of whom held security clearances and at least some of whom worked in the intelligence community — of participating in the Jan. 6, 2021 attack on the Capitol. More: Politico

The Justice Department is expected to announce the indictment of longtime Rep. Henry Cuellar, D-Texas, on Friday, two sources familiar with the matter told NBC News. More: NBC