5.3.23 Texas is done with democracy

It’s Wednesday. There are 552 days until the presidential election. Trump is too chickensh*t to testify, Texas is done with democracy and Ted Cruz pees himself.

Be advised: This newsletter uses a stupid amount of profanity. And most days it still doesn’t feel like enough.

Note: Dearest, Sexy Patriots, how are you this fine day? That’s fantastic. Us? Well, we’re totally freaking horrified. You might have seen this by now…

Wow. First of all, we fight like white men and it is not a pretty sight. Lots of crying, lots of biting and lots and lots of cheap shots to the groin. It’s hilarious and tragic at the same time.

Second of all — why the hell do Tucker’s text messages sound like the narration from a racist version of American Psycho? Seriously, can we get this sick motherfucker someone to talk to before they start pulling bodies out of his crawlspace? Even John Wayne Gacy would be like bro cool it you’re a long texter. Check out the text he wrote about his favorite topic…

And I saw her standing there. Taunting me. Promising to melt in my mouth and not in my hand and no doubt lying about both. She used to be sexy. Simple. Something to be possessed. Now she looks smart. Like she reads books and hates me. I have decided I must devour her. Not for sustenance or for yummy treat time, but to punish her for rejecting me. Why are you looking at me like that? Yes I’m talking about cartoon candy. You’re missing the point. Look I’m just asking questions. Yes I am! Ok yes fuck you! I love that goddamn M&M seductress and I must have her! I’m a totally normal boy!

Yikes! Aren’t you glad you didn’t raise that guy? Woof. Anyway that’s not real but it definitely could be and that’s almost too fucked up to wrap our heads around. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Btw, if you believe that Fox News execs were shocked to discover that Tucker Carlson is a HUGE racist then you would fit right in at the New York Times and we have a bridge to sell you for a great deal.

Note three: This past weekend a woman was arrested in Florida for throwing a drink at Matt Gaetz. He intends to press charges. We intend to applaud her. More: CNN

Note four: House Oversight Chairman Jamie Comer has been busted being a racist and a liar. This seems like a good time for the Capitol Hill press to stop kissing his ass. More: CNN

Note five: How can you not love these two? Also, Go Lakers!

Note six: Did you know that in New York City it’s legal for white men to choke Black men to death? We didn’t either. But it sure looks like that’s the case. We tried to find a news story about it that didn’t make the alleged murderer look like a hero, but we couldn’t. More: NY Daily News

Note seven: So you might have read in Vanity Fair that Trump went off on an NBC reporter and threw the reporter’s phones. You didn’t read about it at NBC. Or Axios. Or with the AP. But they were all there when it happened. So why are mainstream news organizations covering up Trump’s bullshit? More: Oliver Explains

Note eight: Why do we hate RFK Jr.? Lots and lots of reasons. But mostly because Steve Bannon and Alex Jones are backing his presidential run. More: Salon

Note nine: We have always believed Larry Summers is the actual worst. Now we have confirmation. There’s a paywall, but the long and short of it is that Summers kept meeting with Jeffrey Eptsein even after Harvard said it wouldn’t take his money. More: WSJ

Note 10: The Senate Judiciary Committee hearing on SCOTUS was pretty much a flop. But it’s nice to see at least one US Senator with the guts to say this…

Note 11: An FBI supervisor has been arrested for participating in the Jan. 6 attack. Republicans hate an agency that is basically just them. More: CNN

Note 12: Elon Musk is the saddest thing that we can’t stop laughing at. Buddy, when you’re getting wedgies from NPR, it’s time to hang it up. More: NPR

Note 13: So we want to wish a happy retirement to outgoing Sen. Ben Cardin who just announced he isn’t running for re-election. We have to keep this seat. Larry Hogan already said he ain’t running. More: WBAL

Note 14: A Michigan county went to the polls and told an election denier to hit the bricks. She probably thinks that was rigged too. More: WLNS

Note 15: Republicans keep talking about Joe Biden being old, and then they get pantsed by him. Pretty stupid politics voting against veterans.

Note 16: Here’s a story about how Sanda Day O’Connor teamed up with Anthony Kennedy to help George W. Bush steal the 2000 election. Let’s hope everyone who died in Iraq gets a chance to chat with her in the afterlife. More: CNN

Note 17: Republicans “summoned” the heads of the five major television networks to RNC HQ as they try to destroy the nation’s presidential debate system to appease their orange god. We assume the networks will go along with it just like they went along with this bullshit meeting. More: Washington Post

Note 18: CNN’s political director says the station won’t treat Trump any differently than any other presidential candidate. We apologize for linking to their trash asses so much. More: Vanity Fair

Note 19: There’s an ice penis off the coast of Canada. Please feel free to hit reply and send us your best jokes about this as we had an overload and broke our brains. More: Guardian 

Note 20: And on that risque note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all are having an awesome week and that the news of Tucker Carlson’s racism didn’t come as too much of a shock to you. Have a great day, and we’ll see you back here tomorrow. Love y’all!

Coward

E. Jean Carroll testified for three days. The chickenshit scum who attacked her can’t be bothered to testify at all. Yeah, the guy who is so innocent over on truth social doesn’t have much to say in real life. So instead he made up the excuse that he had to be in Scotland. What a chickenshit punk.

More: CNBC

Houston, we have serious fucking problem

So Texas is pretty much done letting non-white non-lunatics vote. Yesterday the state Senate passed legislation that would allow the governor’s hand-picked secretary of state to overturn elections in Houston if he thinks there was fraud. Yes, this is as fucked up as it sounds. But there might be some good news coming…

Cancun nightmare

Ted Cruz should be worried. There is no question the 2024 Senate map is an absolute fucking horror show for Democrats. But Colin Allred is the type of candidate who should make Teddy Cruz run back to Cancun. A former NFL player turned civil rights lawyer, Allred means business and we’re damn glad to see it. Be afraid, Ted. Be very afraid.

Today’s clips

Russia claimed Wednesday it foiled a Ukrainian assassination attempt using drones against President Vladimir Putin, denouncing the alleged attack as a ‘’terrorist’’ act and promising retaliation. More: HuffPost

Two 10-year-old children were found working at a Louisville McDonald’s restaurant — sometimes until 2 a.m. — the US Department of Labor said Tuesday. More: CNN

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