5.31.24 WOOHOO!!!!

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it convicted on 34 counts like some kind of fucking scumbag.

Note: SEXY PATRIOTS!!! Y’ALL BEEN PARTYING?!!!! Can you fucking believe this shit? It’s like Santa Claus. We were so ready to just totally give up on the idea that Trump would ever be held accountable and then one Christmas Eve some jolly motherfucker in a red suit knocked on the door and handed us a new bike. The part of us that died when Mueller and the New York Times gave Trump a pass even started to grow back yesterday. It’s a goddamn conviction miracle!

Now there are people out there telling you to be solemn in this moment and not to gloat on what is a sad occasion for America. Fuck those people. Fuck ‘em in the ear. This is a great goddamn time for America! We should all be celebrating! All that shit they told us about nobody being above the law turned out to be true. Kinda. So yeah, we are not using hushed tones to sadly remark on the first ever criminal conviction of a former US president. Hell no!

In fact, we are repurposing today’s TBS Sexy Patriot Cuss Out to make it a celebratory event. While it was originally intended to be an obscene group venting exercise, we are now suggesting everyone say “FUCK YES, USA!” at 2 p.m. Eastern today. This shit has been a longtime coming, so feel free to shout, exhale, smile and even point and laugh a little. And thanks for the advice we didn’t ask for from pundits who didn’t get anything right. They can solemnly and soberly kiss our hot asses. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: If y’all want to really have some post-conviction fun, then you’ll check out our weekly podcast, This Week’s Big Stuff. This week we have an interview with Trump’s new cellmate. It’s a pretty good get for a cussing newsletter. And if you subscribe, you’ll be helping to keep this newsletter alive and profane. More: Patreon

Note three: Circle your calendars — Trump will be sentenced on July 11. Goddamnit that felt good to type.

Note four: The extreme right is just straight up losing their shit. It’s really only a matter of time until this fucker puts on goat horns and attacks the Capitol.

Note five: The Trump campaign is bragging that they raised $34 million since the verdict. They’re probably lying. But also fuck them. More: Axios

Note six: The Biden campaign’s response to Trump becoming a convicted felon was pitch perfect. But Biden can’t shy away from talking about this. Right now the only people setting the narrative are pathetic Trump kiss-asses. More: LA Mag

Note seven: MAGA Mike Johnson went on Fox News this morning and said the Supreme Court should step in. He even bragged about knowing the justices “personally.” Thank goodness these guys don’t like rigged systems. More: Politico

Note eight: LOLOL! Susan Collins and Mitch McConnell both came out attacking the verdict. There are no principled Republicans. Just pathetic losers begging to eat more Trump shit in order to cling to five more minutes of power. More: The Hill

Note nine: Joe Manchin is an independent now. Sucks for independents. More: Politico

Note 10: Fox has not been taking the news well. Although that Taco Bell news is pretty important shit…

Note 11: Say a prayer for the mainstream journalists who cried themselves to sleep last night over the verdict. Hang in there, Katy!

Note 12: In other news, the Texas Supreme Court once again told women to eat shit and die. For us, this is what this election is about. More: Texas Tribune

Note 13: Hillary’s reaction yesterday was gold. Pure fucking gold. More: HuffPost

Note 14: We should probably pay attention to the really scary threats Trump issued after he became a convicted felon. More: HuffPost

Note 15: Let’s not forget the other Trump news yesterday…

Note 16: Ivanka is still all in for orange daddy even though he said that really fucked up and gross thing to Stormy Daniels about how she looked like Ivanka. More: HuffPost

Note 17: Just to recap — Trump is a convicted felon, Peter Navarro is in jail, Barack Obama hasn’t been convicted of anything and Henry Kissinger is still dead.

Note 18: Here’s today’s reminder that RFK Jr. is basically just Trump without the felonies…

Note 19: And for today’s Happy Ending, HUGE congratulations to Bruhat Soma, the 12-year-old who just won the Scripps National Spelling Bee. We could never spell “nachschlage,” but you see our typos so you already know that. More: CNN

Note 20: And on that fun note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are enjoying this moment in American history. We know we sure are. Don’t forget to cuss later today. You know we’ll be joining you. Love y’all!

Yikes

Miriam Adelson, the wife of dead GOP megadonor Sheldon Adelson, the new owner of the Dallas Mavericks and the owner of Nevada’s largest media source, is going to spend millions of dollars on electing Trump. So he’s going to have ALL the money people with him. Here’s an idea — let’s not be a country that’s owned and operated on the whims of ridiculously rich assholes.

More: Politico

Fuck off, John

Despite the obvious corruption of his court, Chief Justice John Roberts told Senate Democrats yesterday he will not meet with them. It was another fuck you from Sam Alito’s pet, and we sure wish our team would get tough and issue some subpoenas. Or just wait for Roberts and his crew to finish fucking over everyone who isn’t rich or Trump.

More: CNN

WOOHOO!!!!

So y’all already know but we want to say it again — Donald Trump is a convicted felon. He was convicted of 34 counts by a jury of his peers. This is America, so that’s how we do things. Trump is giving a press conference this morning that will undoubtedly be an insane attack on America. So be safe out there while you’re celebrating.

More: AP

Today’s clips

Vermont has become the first state to enact a law requiring fossil fuel companies to pay a share of the damage caused by climate change after the state suffered catastrophic summer flooding and damage from other extreme weather. More: HuffPost

Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu will not agree to end the war in Gaza in exchange for the release of hostages unless opinion polls show it is politically advantageous for him, a top Israeli security official told the families of those held captive, a person in the closed-door meeting and an advocacy group said Friday. More: NBC