5.31.23 Waiting to see if Kevin can count

Be advised: This newsletter normally uses a shitload of obscenities. Today is no exception.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How’s your short week going? Back to working so hard that your three-day weekend is a distant memory? Well we hear you. And so does today’s guest. As the debt ceiling negotiations have gone on, we’ve heard a lot of remarkably stupid shit from Republicans. And this has to be in the top five…

You know what? He’s right. Fuck them kids. Put ‘em to work. They’ve been sitting on the couch watching Blippy and eating dry cereal for too goddamn long. It’s about time some disingenuous kiss-ass got tough with them. And it seems to be working. Our interview today is with Ricky Jameson, an eight-year-old who just got hired at the local mill.

TBS: Ricky, thanks for joining us.

Ricky: Sure thing, guys. Big fan. But can we hurry this up? My next shift starts soon.

TBS: Um yeah. Are you working doubles?

Ricky: Yeah, Mr. McCarthy said I have to if I want to eat.

TBS: That sounds pretty harsh. Are you ok?

Ricky: Am I ok? No, I’m not fucking ok. I’m a little kid who Republicans are forcing to work so I can eat.

TBS: Well has it helped you get off the couch?

Ricky: Yeah, and it’s helping me develop childhood arthritis.

TBS: Do you want to say thank you to Kevin McCarthy for helping you find dignity?

Ricky: What the fuck would that guy know about dignity?

TBS: Ok well thanks for joining us. Don’t work too hard.

Ricky: Fuck you too.

Ouch. Maybe we had that coming. Also, McCarthy is truly an idiot and the actual good news is that it looks like SNAP spending might actually increase because of new allowances for the homeless and veterans. IT’S BEEN GREAT WORKING WITH YOU, KEVIN! Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Good news, everybody! Chris Christie is running for president! LOL. Some motherfuckers are just desperate to live life below 1 percent. More: NBC

Note three: There actually is good news in that announcement — maybe ABCNews will finally stop acting like he’s some kind of wise goddamn oracle.

Note four: Trump attacked Kayleigh McWhatever yesterday. We hear she was able to console herself by drinking a six-pack of the tears of children. More: Business Insider

Note five: Oops. Remember when it would’ve been a massive gaffe if a Republican admitted they were fucking with millions of American jobs and the full faith and credit of the United States just to try and hurt the president in an election?

Note six: Because Republicans appear to be failing in their goal of destroying the economy to help Trump, get ready for them to really ramp up the dumb impeachment shit. They’re already talking about holding Trump appointee Chris Wray in contempt. Oh no! More: AP

Note seven: Btw, Comer apparently has a call with a whistleblower today and won’t let Raskin join. Seems like a totally real way to conduct a totally real investigation. NO LINK

Note eight: How could these oversight idiots get any dumber? Well what if they were enlisting the help of a right-wing extremist white nationalist from the Trump White House? More: HuffPost

Note nine: Things don’t seem to be going so well for Elon’s ownership of twitter. Of course he’s in China for meetings today so maybe his goal was to destroy democratized speech. Or is that just too obvious? More: Bloomberg

Note 10: THIS is how you do one of those cheesy politician sports bets…

Note 11: Pride Month starts tomorrow. Y’all ready to show the world we stand with our LGBTQ+ people and they ain’t never going back? Hell yeah. We are too.

Note 12: Congrats and best wishes to Neera Tanden, who started her new gig as White House Domestic Policy Adviser this week. Fortunately all-around asshat Joe Manchin was unable to stop her from getting this job. More: Economic Times

Note 13: Minnesota legalized weed. So Minnesota Nice becomes Minnesota Cool. More: CNN

Note 14: Ashli Babbit’s mom was arrested for assaulting a counter-protester. This shit isn’t even fun. It’s just sad and gross and makes us want to throw up. More: Independent

Note 15: Sam stayed up late last night to watch the Ted Lasso finale and he might still be crying a little today. Especially since the cast stands with the writers…

Note 16: Let’s all try not to think about how many miserable fuckheads there are in the Senate who could still wreck the economy.

Note 17: Ron DeSantis had his first campaign event last night. We decided to skip it. Like the rest of America. Seriously there were like 500 people there. More: Reuters

Note 18: The Democrats you hear trashing the debt ceiling deal are absolutely correct. We just don’t have any idea what the alternative is. We’re not sure they do either.

Note 19: Since we like to end on a happy note, today we’re sharing a clip from a high school graduation speech in Iowa. The future is looking bright as hell…

Note 20: And on that awesome and courageous note, let’s go do some news. We hope your week is going well. And if you happen to know any toddlers, tell them America is done coddling their lazy little asses and it’s time to get to work. Or just give them a binky and tell them everything is gonna be ok. Love y’all!

BONUS NOTE: We just think this rocks and DeSantis can eat shit…

Tara-ble

So remember during the 2020 election when out of nowhere we were supposed to believe that Sleepy Joe in his basement was also a rapist? In an ugly campaign, this chapter was one of the ugliest and there were way too many careless reporters acting recklessly. Well we now have an end to that story. Yesterday in a Russia news conference, Biden accuser Tara Reade announced that she has defected. She spent a lot of time talking about how awesome Russia is and how the 2020 election was rigged. Like the Babbit saga, there is nothing to make fun of here. It’s just sad and gross and we’d like to never think about it again.

More: CNN

Thank you, ma’am

It is with great sadness that we share the reports that former First Lady Rossalyn Carter has dementia. The Carter Foundation announced the diagnosis yesterday. In true Carter family fashion, she decided to go public to help others. When we lose this family, this country will be losing a piece of its soul.

More: NBC

Can Kevin count?

That’s what we’re all waiting to find out. Today is the House vote on the big debt ceiling vote, and it’s still not clear if Kevin15 has the votes. Since he and Biden closed their deal over the weekend, the far right has been apoplectic, with some even saying it’s time to remove McCarthy. LOL. We frankly don’t give a shit about that. What we do give a shit about is saving the economy from the Jan. 6 trash after a once-in-a-century pandemic. Hopefully we’re on course for that to happen.

More: HuffPost

Today’s clips

The billionaire family that owns Purdue Pharma, the maker of OxyContin, will receive immunity from all current and future civil claims over the company’s role in the opioid crisis as part of a deal approved by a federal appeals court on Tuesday. More: HuffPost

A Pennsylvania restaurant owner who screamed death threats directed at then-House Speaker Nancy Pelosi while storming the U.S. Capitol was sentenced on Tuesday to more than two years in prison. More: HuffPost

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