5.30.24 Pretend to be shocked

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It makes the assholes lose their shit.

Note: Ya know, Sexy Patriots, most days we read the news and we cuss and we throw shit and then we cuss some more. But every once in a while, we read the news, cuss in a happy way, throw shit in a happy way, cuss some more in a happy way and then say well goddamn motherfucking hallelujah. And that’s exactly what happened yesterday when President Joe Biden asked a simple question that we’ve all been asking since that fucked horrible day on Jan. 6, 2021…

Well goddamn motherfucking hallelujah! THIS is the question. And we all know the fucking answer. We’ve all known it since we first asked ourselves this question that very afternoon more than three years ago. And anyone who says they don’t know is a dirty shit-eating liar. So thank you, President Dark Brandon, for making real gosh dang clear exactly just how much bullshit we’re dealing with these days. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Hey SPs, don’t forget the TBS Sexy Patriot Cuss Out this Friday at 2 p.m. Eastern. That’s when we’re all gonna say some cuss words at the same time as part of a group vent because shit is stressful these days.

Note three: Hey so are you registered to vote in Florida? Planning to vote by mail? Well check in again. Because the Sunshine State is basically Hungary with Key West now. More: NBC Miami

Note four: The White House announced this morning that Joe Biden is going to Normandy on the anniversary of D-Day to give remarks about the importance of freedom and democracy. We assume Trump will go try to stop him from getting on the beach. More: The Hill

Note five: FLOTUS was on the View yesterday and crushed it. The campaign is lucky to have her. So is the country.

Note six: Yesterday a reporter asked Biden if he’ll finish another term and Biden asked the reporter if he had fallen on his head. Git ‘em, Joe. More: Yahoo

Note seven: Michael Fanone stood up to Trump. So Trump supporters swatted his mom. That’s the kind of scum we’re up against. More: NBC

Note eight: We now live in fear that the jury is going to come back with a verdict the second we hit send on this newsletter.

Note nine: Texas Republicans are looking into the death penalty for abortion patients. That’s insanely fucked up. Even for Texas Republicans. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Adam ended Jonathan Turley yesterday. Handsome fella.

Note 11: It’s pretty nuts that a U.S. Senator is on trial and we barely noticed. When do we kick his ass out of the Senate? More: Politico

Note 12: Steve Daines blocked the person who would’ve been the first ever Native American federal judge from Montana. What a miserable dickhead. More: AP

Note 13: A Texas Democrat teamed up with Republicans on some anti-LGBTQ shit. Now she’s out of a job. Oh well. More: Washington Blade

Note 14: Jerry Seinfeld is calling for the return of “real men.” We don’t even have a joke here. Which makes us a lot like Seinfeld. More: EW

Note 15: If they make it illegal to criticize Trump, then TBS is going to jail. Because that guy fucking sucks and we all know it.

Note 16: Fox’s Shannon Bream told the truth yesterday and Trump went after her big time. Must be fun to be a Republican these days and constantly wondering if a deranged gameshow host is gonna sic his idiot fans on you. More: The Hill

Note 17: A top Israeli official said it will take another seven months of fighting to win the war. Gosh. What happens in seven months in America? More: CNN

Note 18: Florida is sticking with plans to teach the “benefits” of slavery. We wish we were making this up. We also wish Florida would get its head out of its ass. More: Politico

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to share with you this story about all the hard work VP Harris is putting in. This story doesn’t get told enough, so we figured we should share it when it does. More: The Grio

Note 20: And on that inspiring note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an awesome week and warming up your pipes for tomorrow’s big Cuss Out. And if you’d like to get a jumpstart by doing some cussing today, we totally understand. Love y’all!

Scary shit

The Wall Street Journal reported yesterday that Trump and Elon Musk have become buddies and Trump is even dangling a White House position in front of the billionaire bigot. The two apparently have a shared hatred of Joe Biden and a love of dictators so they’re going to work together this year. And yes this should scare the absolute fuck out of all of us.

More: WSJ

Fuck off, Sam

No, the other one. Sam Alito responded to Senate Democrats’ call for recusal yesterday by lying some more and saying his wife flew both crazy right-wing flags over his request that she didn’t. So he’s a fucking liar but we knew that. As many have noted, Alito believes his wife has a right to choose her own flag but other women don’t have the right to choose their own healthcare. House Democrats wrote a letter asking John Roberts what the fuck is going on and Jamie Raskin is pushing a plan that would require recusal. But we’ll see.

More: CNN

Pretend to be shocked

We all knew this had happened, but now someone else is making the accusation. Apparently when Trump was on the Apprentice, he called a Black contestant the n-word. That’s because Trump is a racist piece of shit and always has been. And yet somehow this fucking race and this fucking mainstream media are writing stories daily about how Trump is appealing to Black voters. We call bullshit.

More: Slate

Today’s clips

The Supreme Court on Thursday cleared the way for a National Rifle Association lawsuit against a former New York state official over claims she violated its free-speech rights. More: HuffPost

Royce White, a George Floyd protest leader and former college basketball star-turned-right-wing Senate candidate in Minnesota, was ordered to catch up after he fell behind on court-mandated child support payments at least a half-dozen times from 2020 to 2023, court filings in two cases show. More: NBC