5.30.23 Big week for Kevin

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. But we bet it’s cussing less than Republicans are today.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you?! We’re always grateful for a little extra rest and to pay tribute to those who fought and sacrificed for this country, but we miss y’all so much over these three day weekends. And we’ve got something really exciting for you today. We have the new Biden phase — Pantsless Joe.

Now hang on a minute. We know how that sounds, and we can sense your apprehension. But this is the next step. And this is the way. First, he was Sleepy Joe who wouldn’t leave his basement and then got more votes for president than anyone ever had. Then he was Bradon who everyone hated for supply chain issues and then he solved them. All along we saw the work of Joey Jobs, who has a better jobs record than any other president. And it was then that Dark Brandon rose and we saw our champion go on offense in the midterm elections and put down the red wave. And now, with the economy on the brink, witness Pantless Joe…

LOL! Good one, totally real moderate! Pantlsess Joe! Republicans are apparently so fucking dumb that they’re constantly getting beat by a man who can’t find his pants. LOL. Well fine, we’ll go with it too. Joe Biden is such a good president he’s beating back fascist fuckwads who want to wreck the economy and he’s doing it in his boxers. Put the man in a g-string and the Republican Party is toast.

Is all of this really dumb? Of course. But we love some hilarious imagery and when dumbshit so-called moderates tell on themselves. So everyone have a good day. Pants or no pants.

Note two: How was your Memorial Day? Did you know it wasn’t Labor Day? Thanks to all the SPs who let us know we fucked that up. Sorry about that.

Note three: Did y’all watch the Succession finale? Everybody ok?

Note four: Btw, this fucking debt ceiling deal sucks and it will cause more people to go hungry and yeah we’re fucking pissed off about that. But let’s remember we’re up against people who helped an attack on the US Capitol and marvel that Pantsless Joe was able to stop them from smearing their shit on the walls of the economy. More: FRAC

Note five: Our amazing vice president made history this weekend. If you didn’t hear about it it’s because our political media is the opposite of amazing.

Note six: Ron DeSantis went on Fox and Friends yesterday and promised to “destroy leftism” in this country. Well gosh, Puddin’, that sounds a lot like fascism. No matter what he does to us, we will never agree that he looked good in those white boots. More: MSNBC

Note seven: Speaking of DeSantis’s DeShithole, there was another shooting in Florida yesterday. More: NBC

Note eight: We can’t stop laughing at House Oversight Chairman James Comer’s Benghazin’t. It’s astonishing how dumb this guy is, and you are right to want to point and laugh at him. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Do we need to tell you what Trump’s Memorial Day message was? Well it was exactly what you’d expect from the piece of shit who attacked our Capitol. NO LINK

Note 10: We’re gonna talk more about this choad in a second, but um LOCK HIM UP!

Note 11: The last Ted Lasso comes out tonight and we’re already crying our damn eyes out.

Note 12: It’s been almost five years since a monster walked into the Tree of Life synagogue outside of Pittsburgh and murdered some innocent people. Today the killer’s trial is finally getting underway. More: ABC

Note 13: Russia has issued an arrest warrant for Lindsey Graham and we are super conflicted. More: NBC

Note 14: We thought this was fake at first. But apparently the chairwoman of the Georgia Republican Party thinks globes are an anti-flat-earth conspiracy. Starting to become more clear why we’ve been able to win there so much lately. Yikes. More: Rolling Stone

Note 15: Fox asked what Biden thinks about pardoning Trump. Pantless Joe (pictured wearing pants) just laughed. We did too.

Note 16: Y’all aren’t gonna believe this but this shit called “Trump Bucks” is a total fucking scam. And it looked so legit. More: NBC

Note 17: Our deepest sympathies to any SPs who are also Boston Celtics fans. That was quite a series! More: ESPN

Note 18: Moscow got hit by a drone attack last night. Such a bummer. Not! More: NBC

Note 19: One of our favorite things is when America’s youth tells America’s assholes to eat shit. Congratulations to this brave young woman on her graduation. More: HuffPost 

Note 20: And on that awesome note, let’s go do some news and then go do this short week. We hope y’all had a fantastic weekend, and we hope this week is a wonderful one. Pants or no pants. Love y’all!

Ken not believe he didn’t get away

So as we laid out last week and many times over the years, Texas AG Ken Paxton is a real piece of shit. Dude has been under indictment for seven fucking years. Well today he ain’t at work. Because over the weekend, the Texas House of Representatives impeached Paxton and he was removed from his duties until his Senate trial concludes. Here’s the best part (aside from the accountability) — Trump, Trump Jr, Stephen Miller and Ted Cruz were all calling for the statehouse to stand with Ken. And the statehouse just flat out didn’t give a shit. Is it possible this asshole is actually going down? Well as Coach Lasso says, BELIEVE.

More: AP

Ugandon’t

The president of Uganda has signed one of the most horrific and fucked up anti-LGBTQ laws anywhere in the world. The law basically makes it illegal to be gay and includes the death penalty as punishment for some violations. This shit is as infuriating as it is heartbreaking. How extreme is it? Even Ted fucking Cruz is calling it out. Sadly, we suspect the rest of his party will be just fine with this nightmare.

More: CNN

Big week for Kevin

So Pantless Joe did his part. He made a deal with McCarthy. And he really didn’t give away that much. So now Kevin is in a bit of a jam. Because the right flank of his party is furious. They think he got rolled and they didn’t get anything they wanted out of the deal. And that’s largely true. So now we spend the week waiting and watching to see if Kevin can deliver the votes from his party and just how willing our party is to bail his sorry ass out to keep the economy from imploding.

More: NPR

Today’s clips

Elizabeth Holmes, the founder of blood lab Theranos who became the face of Silicon Valley duplicity after her company collapsed amid fraud claims, is scheduled to report to prison Tuesday to begin her sentence of more than 11 years. More: NBC

Ralph Yarl — a Black teenager who was shot in the head and arm after mistakenly ringing the wrong doorbell — walked at a brain injury awareness event in his first major public appearance since the shooting. More: NBC

As criticism builds in Republican ranks over the debt ceiling deal struck by Speaker Kevin McCarthy and President Joe Biden, some hardline conservatives have begun floating the idea of toppling the speaker. More: NBC

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