5.28.24 The end

It’s Tuesday. There are 161 days until the general election. A Trump trial is coming to an end, House Republicans hate cops and Biden-Harris doesn’t.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like some asshole just wished a Happy Memorial Day to “the human scum.”

Note: Sexy Patriots! In the scary and uncertain days after Trump was elected with Russian help in 2016, we looked desperately for bullshit lies to tell ourselves so that we could sleep at night. One of those lies was that the ascendancy of a racist sexist fascist fuckhead would surely inspire a raft of awesome new protest music like we got out of the 60s and early 70s. Instead we got one banger from Childish Gambino while we watched Kanye turn into fucking Hitler while Kid Rock humped the Statue of Liberty’s leg. It was pretty depressing. Until now.

Sexy Patriots, over this long holiday weekend, we heard our new favorite song. It’s not as brilliant as Gambino’s “This is America,” but goddamn it’s catchy as hell. Feast your ears on this auditory canal candy…

LOLOL!!! Yep, Trump got booed to hell and back at the Libertarian convention this weekend, and we’ve been playing it on repeat like it’s a new Taylor Swift-Beyonce collab. This is why that fucking loser stays at Mar-a-Lago or his freakshow rallies. Because whenever he goes where more normal people are — like Manhattan courtrooms and Libertarian conventions — he’s treated like the pig-fucking scum that he is. And after a couple weeks of bummer news, it’s nice to be reminded that we’re not crazy. The crazy people are. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Happy birthday to Rudy Giuliani. We’re just kidding. We wish the rest of his days are filled with face-shitting Four Season humiliation. And something tells us that wish will definitely come true. Don’t forget to eat all the candles, Doodie!

Note three: In case you missed it, it’s probably because the Washington Post was sitting on it. Yeah, we found out over the weekend that WaPo knew about Sam Alito’s upside-down flag and kept it to themselves. Great work, watchdogs! More: HuffPost

Note four: Anybody else totally fucking wrecked by the death of Bill Walton? It’s like an awesome hippie sun burnt out. More: LA Mag

Note five: Seriously those Libertarians were fucking brutal. We can’t stop thinking about it. Look at this shit.

Note six: Here’s another Kennedy endorsing Biden and not the brain worm asshole. More: Axios

Note seven: The footage out of Rafah is horrific. Just fucking horrific. This can’t keep going. More: AP

Note eight: This weekend’s storms were some scary shit. And thanks to climate change, they’re going to get worse. More: HuffPost

Note nine: Those Libertarians ended up picking someone named Chase Oliver as their candidate. How fucking humiliating for Trump and RFK Jr. More: Politico

Note 10: What a lovely Memorial Day message from orange assface…

Note 11: Richard Dreyfuss seems like a real asshole. But hasn’t he always? More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 12: Remember when you thought it couldn’t get worse for South Dakota that their governor is a soulless puppy killer? Welp… More: AP

Note 13: Tiffany Trump is in court with her dad today. Are we the only ones who forget she exists? Other than her dad of course.

Note 14: Rep. Bob Good went to New York to attend Trump’s trial and kiss some orange ass. Today Trump blasted him and endorsed his opponent. So congrats to Bob Good on being a kiss-ass AND a loser. More: RawStory

Note 15: Wow. So the New York Times is just doing what they’ve always done…

Note 16: Trump is going around promising rich people he’ll give them whatever they want if they give him money. That seems illegal. More: Washington Post

Note 17: Oh and he’s also promising to deport anyone who protests on college campuses. Joe Biden listens to protesters. Trump hates them. Unless they’re attacking the US Capitol. More: Haaretz

Note 18: Congratulations to Boston Celtics fans. This is the worst thing to happen to Indiana since Mike Pence. More: ESPN

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we give you Ken Burns giving a commencement address and very clearly warning about the dangers of Trump. Thank you to Mr. Burns (lol) for speaking up.

Note 20: And on that common sense note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had an awesome holiday weekend with all our awesome human scum people. Thanks for giving us an extra day off. Now let’s kick some ass this week. Love y’all!

The end

Closing arguments started this morning in the first criminal trial of an ex-president in the history of this country. Trump’s team was up first. Last night on Truth Social, the orange asshead was pretty shocked to discover how criminal trials work, so this should be fun. But what’s really crazy is the Biden-Harris campaign just announced a press conference with “special guests” outside the courtroom. Whoa. They’ve been pretty hands off on this stuff, so we’re eager to see what they’re up to.

More: ABC

Republicans hate cops

Congress passed a spending bill that required a plaque honoring the cops of Jan. 6, 2021 be installed by March 2023. It has not been installed. Why? Because Republicans are on the side of the assholes who beat those cops with the American flag. Those same House Republicans couldn’t give an answer as to why the plaque hasn’t been put up yet. But we all know. We all fucking know.

More: CBS

Biden doesn’t

The good news is not everyone in Washington has lost their minds and embraced domestic terrorists over the cops who saved our Capitol and our democracy that day. A number of Jan. 6 cops/heroes are joining the Biden-Harris campaign and fanning out around the country to tell Americans why they’re supporting the guy who didn’t attack the Capitol. We freaking love this, and if we weren’t already Biden supporters, this would do it.

More: The Hill

Today’s clips

Pope Francis has apologized for using an anti-gay slur during a meeting with bishops. The 87-year-old pontiff reportedly made the homophobic remark in a closed-door meeting last week as he told Italian bishops that gay men shouldn’t be allowed to train for the priesthood. More: CNN

Roberta Kaplan, an attorney for the writer E. Jean Carroll, reportedly said that “all options are on the table” after former President Donald Trump once again disparaged her client. More: HuffPost