5.26.23 Ron the Rat

Be advised: This newsletter is no longer using profanity. Naw we’re just fucking with you.

Note: Sexy Patriots, have we got a damn treat for y’all today. Believe it or not, we have invested a TBS time machine and we’re inviting you to try it out with us. Are you ready? Ok let’s get time-sexy! We just need to bring one thing with us…

Our destination today is a diner in Ohio in October 2004. Everyone is clad in red, white and blue and talking about how those colors don’t run. Toby Keith is on the pre-spotify jukebox, and ordering French fries comes with a knuckle sandwich. We walk up to a man sitting at the counter. He is clearly a real and patriotic American. He introduces himself as Jerry Lildik and immediately tells us what a traitor chickenshit John Kerry is. That’s when we start the interview…

TBS: So we come from the future and you won’t believe the shit you’re gonna vote for.

Jerry: Well I know I’ll only vote for someone who supports our military and tells those peckerwoods in Saudi Arabia and the Taliban to eat shit and die.

TBS: Oh Jerry. You’re gonna want to sit down.

Jerry: Well I know he’ll be a good Christian and a family man.

TBS: Buddy, stop before you make us piss ourselves.

Jerry: Just tell me he’ll be tough with those Russian fuckers.

TBS: No. In fact, they’ll love his ass, and he’ll love them right back. So will you.

Jerry: Oh bullshit.

TBS: In the future you call that fake news because you only believe what a gameshow host tells you. Also, you’re gonna hate the FBI and all the surveillance shit you love right now, and you’re gonna worship a guy who invites the Taliban to Camp David. Like seriously worship. Totally kiss his ass. You’re also gonna pretend like you didn’t want to go into Iraq. You’re basically gonna spend the next two decades being angry, wrong and totally full of shit. Probably longer.

Jerry: I just don’t believe you.

TBS: It’s ok. We can’t believe it either. Take it easy, Jer.

More: USA Today

Note two: Congratulations to all the Hoosiers we know. Your state has become an intolerant shithole that punishes doctors for helping 10-year-old rape victims. The state punished her for talking about it. So they literally disciplined a woman for talking. So extremely fucked up. More: WTHR

Note three: Y’all, Ken Paxton might actually be in some deep shit. A Republican statehouse committee laid out 20 different fucked up charges yesterday and recommended his impeachment. How much of a scumbag criminal do you have to be for other Texas Republicans to give a shit?! More: AP

Note four: The QAnon Shaman is a free man now and it doesn’t appear that incarceration put much of a dent in all that batshitiness. So what do we think he does now? Run for the Senate as a Republican? Run for the House as a Republican? Attack the Capitol again? Get serious about his shaman work? Wouldn’t it be great if he had a sense of shame and just went the fuck away? More: Independent

Note five: If this is true then all of those lunatic dipshits were right and we need to shut down the FDA like right now…

Note six: If you’re looking for a sweet, funny new show to watch, Primo on Amazon Prime is wonderful. And just a reminder that no one pays us to say stuff like this but they are welcome to.

Note seven: Thank you to President Biden, Vice President Harris and Second Gentleman Doug Emhoff for announcing the White House’s first ever strategy to combat antisemitism. What a nice change of pace from “very fine people on both sides.” More: USA Today

Note eight: HUGE congratulations to Gen. Charles “CQ” Brown, who was nominated by President Biden yesterday to be the next Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Let’s just hope the Senate asshole who wants more white nationalists in the military doesn’t totally fuck up the nomination. More: CNN, NBC

Note nine: Btw, the Washington Post is reporting today that Tuberville’s dumbass is getting his military advice from a fucking food critic. More: Washington Post

Note 10: This made us snort laugh yesterday.

Note 11: Speaking of DeSantis, his sleazy staff is pressuring lobbyists for campaign dollars. And this is his state-funded staff. Lock him up? More: NBC

Note 12: We have exactly ZERO idea what’s happening with the debt ceiling negotiations. House Republicans left town knowing the press won’t give a shit, and we’re all just waiting to hear what the White House is giving away and if it’s too much for Hill Democrats to support it. What a fucking mess. More: HuffPost

Note 13: We got some bad-good news yesterday as Jan. 6 lunatic and losing Pennsylvania gubernatorial candidate Doug Mastriano said he isn’t running for the Senate. Bummer that we don’t get to whoop his ass again but probably good someone that dangerous is nowhere near a Senate campaign. More: Philadelphia Inquirer

Note 14: So we all know Lauren Boebert is gross and trashy, but still we were gonna give her a pass on her divorce because marriage is hard and that’s true for everyone. But this stuff with her son calling 9-1-1 is extremely fucked up. Especially for someone who claims to want to protect children. More: Jezebel

Note 15: Well this is some extremely corrupt and fucked up shit…

Note 16: Yesterday Biden vetoed an effort by Republicans to nullify local DC police reforms. More of this, Democrats. We need to stand with DC. More: NBC Washington

Note 17: Things aren’t going well at CNN. There was a minute when we thought that was tragic. Now we just hope it burns fast. More: New Republic

Note 18: Good to see President Obama supporting the writers’ strike. Btw, did you see that Weezer played a show at the Paramount picket line the other day? This is why rich assholes shouldn’t fuck with creative people. The creative people are way cooler. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We’re going to take off Monday for Labor Day, so we’ll see you back here Tuesday.

Note 20: And on that happy-sad note, let’s go do some news and then go do this weekend. We hope y’all enjoyed the ride in our time machine and yes we definitely should’ve used it to go somewhere cooler than 2004 Ohio. Have a great weekend, and here’s some Tina Turner…

Ron the Rat

Ron DeSantis is running against Trump by kissing his ass and it’s just as gross as it sounds. Yesterday DeSantis decided to join Trump in embracing the terrorist scum who attacked our Capitol. In an interview with some human garbage who used to be a sports reporter, DeSantis said he would look at pardons for Trump and the Jan. 6 crowd if he wins. If that guy’s racist bigoted policies and shit personality weren’t enough to make us hate him, this would do it.

More: CNBC

Espionage Act?!

So we’ve been pretty skeptical that the whole Trump classified documents thing was gonna produce any real pain for the orange asshat. Until yesterday. WaPo is reporting that Trump’s people moved the boxes back into the storage room ONE DAY before the feds showed up to look for them. They also had practice runs. Oh and it seems that Trump was sharing classified info and leaving it out in the open. This seems pretty fucking bad. We love it.

More: TPM

Bye-bye

Stewart Rhodes and some of the other seditious scum who tried to overthrow our government earned themselves some lengthy prison sentences. After giving an idiotic and defiant speech in which he said he hopes Trump is elected again to free all the political prisoners, Rhodes was sentenced to 18 years in prison. Kelly Meggs, one of the other pieces of shit, got 12 years. Guess they shouldn’t have fucked with the United States of America.

More: NBC

Today’s clips

Donald Trump Jr. tried to attack Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis, who this week announced he is running for the Republican presidential nomination in a glitch-filled rollout on Twitter. More: HuffPost

Tom Hanks called on Harvard’s 2023 graduating class to defend truth in a powerful commencement address on Thursday. More: CNN

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