5.25.23 Credit karma

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity to make fun of evil dumbshits.

Pre-Note: We believe this is the first Pre-Note TBS has ever done, but we wanted to take a second to celebrate the legendary Tina Turner. There are stars, there are superstars and then there was Tina Turner. Rest in power, ma’am.

Note: Sexy Patriots, we have a bit of a medical emergency on our hands. It has been about 17 hours since we started laughing our fucking asses off at Ron DeSantis’s DesGraceful DeShitshow and we think we might actually bust a gut. So now we’re assless and on the verge of a serious abdominal rupture. This is why…

LOLOL! Oh Puddin. You just wouldn’t think the white-boots-weird-voice guy who gets his ass kicked by Mickey Mouse would go and humiliate himself like that.

But we think we can help.

We’re announcing the TBS Political Consulting Firm for Cruel and Awkward Assheads, and we’d like to make Ron DeSantis our first client. Our first piece of advice? Change your name to Fart Noise. If everyone associates you and everything you do with the failing but undeniably funny sound of a deflating whoopee cushion, then lean into it, buddy!

Second, you’re gonna want way more Elon around. Sure, your campaign exploded into flames and horror and laughter just moments after launch, but that freakshow almost made you look like a human being.

Third, drop out. We are handing in our resignation. Nobody can save you, Puddin. And nobody should. But we’re sure gonna enjoy laughing our asses off watching your cold-hearted racist homophobic ass go down as a burning-turd punchline. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We make a lot of jokes about DeSantis, but it’s probably fair to remember we laughed at the orange sleaze a lot in 2016 too. Thanks to the handful of reporters who are reminding folks who DeSantis really is. More: Mother Jones

Note three: You know the barely literate mom who got Amanda Gorman’s poem banned for a whole bunch of kids? Well she wants you to know she’s sorry for posting antisemitic shit and she didn’t actually read the whole poem. Gosh, Florida sure seems like a cool place these days. More: JTA

Note four: One of the top leaders of Matt Schlapp’s organization quit this morning. And here we figured everything was going great over there. More: NY Mag

Note five: If you want to see Sam laugh until a little pee comes out, just show him this tweet from last night. Not that you would want to see that kind of thing.

Note six: The person Tennessee Republicans hired to create social studies standards for school kids is a 9/11 truther. How the hell are any of these kids supposed to get jobs when they grow up to be dumbfucks? More: Popular Info

Note seven: It seems we were wrong about the DeSantis Dumpster Fire. According to the campaign and Elon’s kiss-asses, eleventy kajillion people watched. They might be fudging the numbers a bit.

Note eight: CNN has scheduled yet another Republican town hall. This one is with Mike Pence. It’s like both parties are trying to find something worse than fourth place. More: The Wrap

Note nine: The young trans girl who was forced to skip her high school graduation because a Trump judge tried to tell her how to dress has something to say. We should listen. More: News2

Note 10: We don’t know what the fuck he’s doing on this debt ceiling business, but Dark Brandon’s social media team continues to impress the hell out of us…

Note 11: Republicans are threatening to hold the FBI director in contempt. Welcome to the club. We’ve hated that Trump-appointed asshole since he got the job. Man, House Rs are so dumb they think we care about this dude. More: CNN

Note 12: Republicans also voted yesterday to undo Joe Biden’s student loan forgiveness and force everyone to pay backdated interest rates. Don’t worry. He’s gonna veto the shit out of it. More: PBS

Note 13: We haven’t talked enough about what is happening in Ohio. It’s just a more boring Florida these days. They’re so worried the people are going to speak up to protect abortion rights like they have in other states that they’re trying to make it harder for the people of the state to amend the constitution. That makes them gutless cowards. More: AP

Note 14: HUGE win in Louisiana as anti-trans measures there were beat back by determined activists. This has been a damn rough year for our trans friends, and we’re glad to see a little bit of good news. More: The Advocate

Note 15: Considering how fucked up everything is right now, it’s amazing how much we laughed yesterday…

Note 16: If you didn’t see Biden’s remembrance of Uvalde yesterday, have some tissues nearby. The only thing harder to imagine than what those poor families have gone through is trying to imagine why shithead Texas Republicans haven’t done a goddamn thing to stop another one from happening. More: CBS

Note 17: A new Quinnipiac poll came out yesterday. It shows Trump whooping the rest of the GOP field with 56 percent. But we don’t look at these polls for that. We look to see Haley at 3 percent, Pence at 2 percent, Tim Scott at 2 percent and we laugh and laugh and laugh. More: WQCS

Note 18: The Supreme Court just ruled that clean water can go fuck itself. We’re starting to think those corrupt assholes really aren’t all that pro-life and just like controlling women. More: CBS

Note 19: Stewart Rhodes is getting sentenced today, and we were hoping to end on the happy note that that treasonous piece of shit is going away for a long time. But it was taking forever so we’ll celebrate his misery tomorrow. More: CBS

Note 20: And on that unsatisfying note, let’s go do some news! But before we do, here’s one of our favorites from the immortal Ms. Turner. Love y’all!

Credit karma

So the credit agency Fitch is about to downgrade America’s credit rating because our dumbass country put a bunch of dumbass monsters in charge of the House and they don’t want to pay our bills. Capitol Hill reporters are buzzing this morning that a deal might be close, but this was never about a deal. Republicans want to hurt the economy to hurt Biden and help Trump. It’s that simple, and that’s what they’re going to do. Especially after a Fox poll just came out showing more Americans would blame Biden than Republicans. Brace yourselves for an ugly-scary few days.

More: Reuters

This is for Nancy

Remember the Jan. 6 scum who put his feet on Speaker Pelosi’s desk and just had a grand ol’ time while he was part of a violent attack against our nation? Well he’s going to prison for four-and-a-half years. Richard “Bigo” Barnett tried to make some excuses for his behavior before sentencing and they did not go over well with the judge. Enjoy prison, fuckhead.

More: NPR

Texas troubles

Texas AG Ken Paxton has been under indictment for like eight fucking years and yet he has remained free to spread his unique blend of stupidity and cruelty around the state and the nation. But now he looks to be in real trouble. After Paxton tried to destroy the state house speaker by accusing him of presiding while drunk, House investigators showed why, detailing years of abuses and setting up a possible impeachment vote. We don’t have any illusions that Paxton would be replaced by anyone less scummy, but it would still be nice to see that piece of shit go down.

More: Texas Tribune

Today’s clips

Target is under fire for its decision to pull some of its Pride Month merchandise from shelves ― a move the company says was done to protect employees but that critics say merely bows to pressure from anti-LGBTQ conservatives. More: HuffPost

An Indiana board is set to hear allegations Thursday that an Indianapolis doctor should face disciplinary action after she spoke publicly about providing an abortion to a 10-year-old rape victim from neighboring Ohio. More: HuffPost

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