5.24.23 Texas tries to kill Houston’s democracy

Be advised: This newsletter uses excessive profanity and poop jokes to mock fascists. And we think we’re pretty fucking good at it.

Note: Well, SPs, have you heard that DeShithead is announcing with Jan. 6 truther Elon Musk? And they’re doing it on twitter? You can see why we’re skipping the intro today and getting right to it. Ladies and gentlemen and Sexy Patriots, here is an interview with the sound engineer who had to help Ron and ERon get set up for their announcement on twitter spaces…

TBS: Thank you for joining us. Are you ok? You appear to have been crying?

Engineer: I’ll be ok I think. What do you guys wanna know?

TBS: Well can you tell us about what happened in there?

Engineer: (Pulls his knees to his chest and starts rocking) Some weird shit, man.

TBS: We understand. Take your time.

Engineer: So like first DeSantis walks in and he’s got chocolate pudding all over his face and hands and chest and I’m like would you like a napkin or a spoon and he says “for what?” And then a minute later, Elon comes in covered in the same stains and I say “would you like something for that pudding?” and Elon says “it’s not pudding” and I’m just standing there like what the fuck is it then?! So they go to sit down with each other but they don’t sit. They just circle the chairs while leaning over and sniffing each other’s asses like dogs would do except the whole time they’re doing it they are reciting some sort of oath to “the chicken butthole god” and holding one hand above their heads like some sort of rooster impression. Finally they sit down. At first in the same chair. Then DeSantis says “I don’t think this is how they do it” and I’m like not how WHO does it, motherfucker?! Then they got up and sat in different seats and then neither one of them blinked or said a word for the next 38 minutes at which point they sprang to life and started squealing about wokeness and wokeafication and wokesters and what real America is all about. I know I sound crazy but this is exactly what happened! And I haven’t even gotten back to the fucking pudding yet!

TBS: That’s ok. We’ve heard enough. Are you going to be ok?

Engineer: Of course not! Don’t let them mentally scar you like they scarred me, America!

Phew. That took guts to share that with us. It’s not real, but we bet we’re not that far off. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: This is why we’re staying mad…

Note three: Don’t worry, everyone, John Roberts says SCOTUS can do more on ethics and they’ll take care of it. Maybe we’re just stupid, but we believe him. Wait. That would be really stupid. More: AP

Note four: Yeah, Alito’s chief justice also said that putting up a fence around the Court was the hardest decision he ever had to make. So yeah, it was apparently quite easy for him to help strip basic human rights from millions of Americans. What a fucking pud. More: NBC

Note five: It has been one year since Uvalde. We don’t have anything profound to say except a country that is fine with that happening is a shithole country. We either care about our kids or we don’t. More: NPR

Note six: And fuck every last Texas Republican who couldn’t be bothered to make sure that evil shit doesn’t happen again. More: Guardian

Note seven: This might have made us pee a little from laughing…

Note eight: Our beloved Target has caved to anti-American bigots and decided to remove some of its Pride offerings. This shit really hurts, but fuck Target. This is gonna be a damn important Pride Month, y’all. More: Reuters

Note nine: CNN just announced another town hall. This time it will be Jake Tapper polishing Nikki Haley’s shoes. We think we’re exaggerating, but we probably shouldn’t rule out that actually happening. NO LINK

Note 10: We know we’re a broken record on this, but if y’all aren’t watching this season of Ted Lasso you’re really missing out. It’s almost as funny as what we’re gonna see from DeSantis and Elon tonight.

Note 11: This is pretty random but happy birthday to Rep. Steve Cohen, an old friend and a great representative for the great city of Memphis.

Note 12: Harlan Crow, collector of nazi shit and SCOTUS justices, told Dick Durbin and the Senate Judiciary Committee to fuck off yesterday. In a letter responding to the committee’s request for a list of all the free crap Crow has given Thomas, Crow said the committee couldn’t investigate him because of separation of powers. Does this billionaire asshole think he’s part of the Supreme Court? More importantly, is he?! More: Slate

Note 13: Maricopa County is asking for sanctions against Kari Lake. That seems pretty reasonable. They might also consider the concept of exile. More: Yahoo

 Note 14: South Carolina passed a six-week abortion ban, and the asshole governor is likely to sign it. Guess we shouldn’t have expected decency or common sense to win out in a state that keeps electing Lindsey Graham. More: BBC

Note 15: Y’all, the primary is over and Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear has kicked his campaign into high gear. This is one we really need to win this year.

Note 16: Well we’ve got another open Senate seat to defend. Congrats to Sen. Tom Carper on his retirement. It looks like Rep. Lisa Blunt Rochester is the early favorite to get the establishment backing. Whatever. Just don’t make us spend a fortune on a primary. More: The Hill

Note 17: We are seriously so fucking mad at Target. That is supposed to be a happy place goddamnit.

Note 18: Congratulations to Eric Swalwell who was cleared by the House Ethics Committee after years of putting up with grotesque Republican smears. It’s almost like the party of George Santos should shut the fuck up about ethics. More: NBC

Note 19: We’d like to end the notes today with this lovely check-in with President Carter, who is three months into hospice care, enjoying the outpouring of support and enjoying his ice cream. More: AP

Note 20: And on that peaceful note, let’s go do some news and then brace for the stupidest fucking campaign announcement in history. We hope you’re having a good week, SPs. We know things are stupid and scary. That’s why we’re all cussing. Love y’all!

Texas (democracy is) toast

Ok so that was a bit forced. Much like the legislation Texas House Republicans pushed through in the middle of the night that would essentially put the GOP in charge of Houston elections. Why only Houston? Because it’s the biggest blue area in the goddamn state and Republicans are no longer hiding their efforts to disenfranchise Black voters and kill democracy. Fuck ‘em. We still think Colin is gonna beat Ted Cruz.

More: Houston Public Media

Ketchup time

Trump is Truth Social agitated these days, and it sure looks like that’s because Jack Smith is closing in on the classified docs case. Trump is so scared that yesterday he sent a panic letter to Merrick Garland asking for a meeting as soon as possible. We’re really hoping Garland says no since we don’t trust him not to give Trump an actual engraved free pass. Should we start betting on how many indictments we might see this summer?

More: MSNBC

Ummmmm

So we’d sure like to know what the fuck the White House’s plan is for stopping House Republicans from killing milliions of jobs and retirement accounts and plunging the world into yet another economic crisis. Yesterday White House press secretary Karinne Jean-Pierre ruled out the 14th Amendment and yeah we might all just be totally fucked. If the White House has a plan to stop the Jan. 6 fuckers from hurting us all, we honestly can’t guess what it is. Shame isn’t a strategy. Especially against the shameless.

More: NPR, HuffPost

Today’s clips

Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-Colo.) made a comment about birth control on Tuesday that may lead to a whole nine months of mockery. More: HuffPost

The 19-year-old Missouri man accused of deliberately driving a rented box truck into a White House barrier allegedly told authorities that he admires Nazis and wanted to "seize power" and "kill the president," court documents released Tuesday show. More: NBC

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