5.23.24 Terrifying

It’s Thursday. There are 166 days until the general election. Sam Alito REALLY hates America, AI goes right-wing and Trump reminds us he’s owned by Russia.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity like it’s a Nikki Haley supporter who believed her bullshit.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the heck are ya? Horrified and disgusted and more than a little pissed off? Yeah, we feel that. But it could be worse. We could all be gutless Republican bootlicks like Nikki Haley and Ted Cruz. If you haven’t seen the news, Haley said yesterday that she’ll be voting for Trump, the man who called her Nimrata and made fun of her military husband. And Cruz, well…

LOL!!!! What a pathetic loser! You’d think someone that handsome and manly would have more self-respect. LOL. Frankly, you’d think all of them would have more self-respect. We wanted to get to the bottom of this so here’s an interview with the GOP’s self-respect…

TBS: Hi! Thanks for joining us.

GOP Self-Respect:

TBS: Ok. So how do you respond to people who say that you must not exist?


TBS: Hmmm. You’re not exactly rebutting this are you? Does Trump’s ass just taste like ice cream or something?


TBS: Do you not love your spouses or your country?


TBS: Ok this is going nowhere. If you need us to send someone to find you, blink twice.

GSR: (Blinks twice)

Ok, SPs, we apparently have a mission — to find Republicans’ self-respect. Just kidding. They flushed it down the shitter years ago. Have fun being the new Ted Cruz, Nikki. It sure seems like an awful life to us. Y’all have a blessed day. More: CBS

Note two: We don’t know about y’all, but we could use a break. So we’re going to take an extended Memorial Day rest and be back on Tuesday. We sure hope you don’t get too mad at us. And if you do, just send us some cuss words. It’s our love language.

Note three: Trump explained why he lied about testifying. Turns out he didn’t want to talk about all the awful shit he’s done. More: The Hill

Note four: Yikes. The New York Times found that RFK Jr. running mate Nicole Shanahan likes cocaine and ketamine and cheating on her husband with Elon Musk. We don’t have any jokes here. We’re just gonna say Yikes again. More: NY Times

Note five: And then the New York Times turned around and did this silly shit. What the fuck is wrong with that paper?!

Note six: We’re gonna say it — Democrats should not be inviting Netanyahu to speak to Congress. More: Axios

Note seven: Ohio Republicans appear serious about not letting Biden on the ballot. Why was this only a big deal when it was about an insurrectionist asshole? More: NY Times

Note eight: Tennessee Republican Andy Ogles might be the new George Santos. And we didn’t even need or want an old George Santos. More: News Channel 5

Note nine: Well this ain’t great. Vivek is buying Buzzfeed. We’ll miss you, Buzzfeed. More: CNN

Note 10: Folks, DO NOT throw away your life for Dean Phillips. We promise it’s not worth it. More: NBC

Note 11: Rick Scott wants to be the new Senate leader. So get ready for the Senate to be the same shitshow the House is. More: AP

Note 12: Be sure to check out this interview VP Harris did with Mav Carter. We’re digging this media strategy.

Note 13: Why don’t we think Netanyahu should be addressing Congress? Lots of reasons. But also he’s been consulting with Trump aides. More: Reuters

Note 14: We found out yesterday that Trump’s “Human Printer” is a staffer who posted the nazi shit. Lindsey Graham put out a statement saying he has complete confidence in her. We regret to inform you that American politics are somehow getting dumber. More: CNN

Note 15: Welp surely this will be the end of idiotic Trump claims about Biden trying to assassinate him. Right?

Note 16: Hunter Biden is going on trial in September on tax charges. More: CNN

Note 17: A majority of Americans believe we’re in a recession. So a majority of Americans don’t know what the fuck a recession is. Goddamnit this is depressing. More: Guardian

Note 18: This Uvale settlement seems ridiculously low to the point of insulting. Those poor families have just been victimized over and over again by the scum who are supposed to be protecting them. More: CBS

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we go to Rep. Jim McGovern, who was admonished by House Republicans yesterday just for telling the truth about rapist Donald Trump. The truth has now officially been banned from the U.S. House of Representatives. Ok so it’s not that Happy of an Ending. More: NBC

Damnit, Sam

No, the other one. Sam Alito has a flag problem. After we found out that he was flying an American flag upside down after Jan. 6 and while he was in on Trump’s coup attempt, we now know he was flying another fucked up flag at his beach house. We have no idea what it’s going to take for Dick Durbin and the Senate Judiciary Committee to give a shit about this horrible stuff, but we’re grateful to Hakeem Jeffries for calling it out.

More: AP


So AI is going right-win. OpenAI, the scary kids behind ChatGPT, announced a deal with News Corp. That means the news that will educate AI will be right-wing garbage from the Wall Street Journal, the New York Post and, of course, Fox fucking News. It also means AI is almost definitely going to kill us all, and that TBS will be the only real news left anywhere. And to be honest, we’re not sure we’re up for that.

More: The Verge

So dirty

WSJ reporter Evan Gershovick is being held by Putin on bullshit charges. And today on Truth Social, Trump said he will be able to get Evan home after the election and before the inauguration if he wins. “Vladimir Putin, President of Russia, will do that for me, but not for anyone else, and WE WILL BE PAYING NOTHING!” So yeah, that’s about as corrupt as it gets. But also, why didn’t Trump bring Paul Whalen home when he was in office if he’s so magic?

More: Reuters

Today’s clips

The Supreme Court overturned a lower court decision that found that South Carolina Republicans improperly used race to gerrymander the state’s 1st Congressional District in a Thursday decision. A three-judge federal district court panel ruled in 2023 that the lines drawn in the state’s 1st Congressional District were an illegal racial gerrymander. The legislature’s movement of Black voters out and white voters in amounted to a “bleaching” of the district, the district court said in a ruling that Republicans in the state legislature later appealed to the Supreme Court. More: HuffPost