5.23.23 A Republican admits he’s just trying to hurt Biden’s poll numbers

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. And it just stubbed its toe so watch out.

Note: Howdy Sexy Patriots! It’s a special day here at TBS. It’s time for a good old-fashioned TBS Super-Mega-Cuss-Rant. If you’ve never seen one of these, you should know we turn the cussin’ up to 11 and just really let it rip. It gets a little nuts. Ok a lot nuts. And a one and a two and a three…

How the effing fuck did we get here, y’all? It was like 10 minutes ago that these fucking idiots were smearing their shit on the goddamn Capitol walls and now they’re in a position to either wreck the economy or fuck over the middle class and poor people and just generally tell the planet to eat shit and die? Seriously how the effing fuck did we get here? And how the fuck do we get out? Like are we losing our fucking minds here or are we actually watching the greatest jobs president of all time have to negotiate with the fucking dunce who covered up Jan. 6 and took Trump his favorite fucking candy?! And CNN is cool with this shit?! What the fuck is even happening?! Everything is so fucking stupid! Fuck these fucking taint-faced fuckheads! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Phew. Ok we feel a little better after that. If you’re somewhere you can do that, we highly recommend it. Really lean into the eff-bombs. No point in doing anything half-assed, right? Love y’all. Have a blessed day.

Note two: We now return you to your regular level of profanity.

Note three: Btw, if you’re wondering what set that off…

Note four: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THOSE PEOPLE? AMERICANS ARE GONNA LOSE THEIR JOBS!

Note five: Hey remember how Republicans are accusing Democrats of weaponizing the government to investigate their political enemies based on opposition research? Well that’s actually what Trump did to Hillary Clinton and the New York Times figured it out yesterday after almost a decade of getting it wrong. Congrats or some shit. More: NY Times

Note six: If anyone knows Ellen Barkin, please let her know that we would like to offer her a part-time job here at TBS…

Note seven: Happy birthday to Joan Collins. We stan.

Note eight: You might remember how Marco Rubio convinced the Los Angeles Dodgers to cut an LGBTQ+ group from its Pride Night. You might also remember how everyone called out the Dodgers as gutless cowards. Well they have finally come around, and the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence will be invited after all. The lesson? Don’t ever listen to Marco fucking Rubio. More: ESPN

Note nine: WOOHOO! Elections matter, y’all! That’s why there’s now a red flag law in Michigan. Congrats and thank you to Gov. Whitmer and the Michigan Democrats. More: AP

Note 10: We’ve been dry-heaving nonstop since we read about that chapstick thing.

Note 11: Tim Scott announced his presidential run yesterday with a Peter-Brady-voice-crack that would shame the Dean Scream if anyone thought Scott was a serious candidate. We were laughing about it and then we read this and now we don’t want to talk about it anymore…

Note 12: Kari Lake lost again. She should be getting pretty damn good at it. More: AP

Note 13: It seems bad that some QAnon idiots with AI can claim the Pentagon has been attacked and spook the markets. More: NBC

Note 14: Nancy Mace went on CNN yesterday and lied about the Durham report and Tapper just sat there. This is CNN now. Zaslav’s dogs. NO GODDAMN LINK

Note 15: Ron DeSantis likes hiring dirty cops that no one else wants. Gosh Florida sure sounds lovely these days, don’t it? More: Guardian

Note 16: We’re gonna talk about this more in a minute but WHAT THE EFFING FUCK?!

Note 17: Need a laugh? Glenn Youngkin is reconsidering a run for president. Annnnnnnd he just lost. More: Daily Mail

Note 18: Say hello to Christy Armendariz, a soulless fucking moron who voted to hurt a lot of people in Nebraska and had no idea what she was voting on. More: Independent

Note 19: E. Jean Carroll is trying to take Trump back to the cleaners after his scummy CNN shitshow. We hope she leaves him broke in the gutter. CNN too. More: AP

Note 20: And on that furious note, let’s go do some news! We realize that everything is really fucking stupid and scary right now, and we hope y’all are holding up ok. And if you’re not, have yourself a Super-Mega-Cuss-Rant. It’s good for you!

Oops

House Oversight Chairman James Comer is just not very good at this. Comer, who was most recently in the news claiming to have lost his whistleblower, fucked up yesterday during his 47th Fox appearance of the day (that number might be an exaggeration). Yeah, Comer admitted that his bullshit investigations are just about hurting Biden and helping Trump. Comer just can’t stop admitting he’s attacking the president’s family for politics. It’s like when Kevin McCarthy admitted that the Benghazi hearings were about hurting Hillary Clinton. Except Comer keeps saying it!

More: HuffPost

Sunshine State Shame

Florida is where woke goes to die. And so does literacy. One of Ron DeSantis’s shithole schools has banned the poem Amanda Gorman read at Joe Biden’s inauguration. Y’all, what the fuck kind of country bans a poem that brilliant from a genius like Gorman?! We find ourselves hoping DeSantis is the nominee so we can make him eat this shit over and over again.

More: RawStory

This seems bad

So you saw the picture earlier and you’ve probably seen it on the news, but it sure looks like a Nazi in a U-Haul tried to kill the president of the United States last night. The 19-year-old driver from Missouri was arrested for trying to kill or harm the president. Call us crazy but “Nazi tries to kill the president” seems like huge news to us. How long until a House Republican calls it a normal tourist visit?

More: NBC

Today’s clips

LeBron James said Monday he has to decide whether he wants to play anymore after the Los Angeles Lakers were swept by the Denver Nuggets in the NBA’s Western Conference finals. More: HuffPost

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis offered conservative Christians a two-term plan to shove the Supreme Court even further to the right on Monday. DeSantis has yet to officially announce his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination. But he was in full campaign mode, hoping to rouse the party’s religious base with the prospect of a 7-2 conservative advantage in the high court over eight years. The time span reference was likely a veiled dig at his potential rival for the White House, former President Donald Trump, who is only eligible to serve one more four-year term. More: HuffPost

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