5.2.23 Hollywood goes on strike

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. Like a goddamn profanity artist.

Note: Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to be back with you! We missed you, and we’re ready to cuss about the news. Y’all in? Oh goodie. Have you ever wondered what TBS does on days when we don’t publish? Well, we’re gonna tell you.

Beginning last Thursday afternoon, TBS engaged in a project called OPERATION: DUMBFUCK. It was top secret, and we couldn’t tell anyone. For the last few days, we have been on jets all over the country, we’ve dressed like ninjas and we even did that thing Tom Cruise does in the first Mission Impossible when he’s repelling and almost lands on the floor or whatever that was it’s been a long time since we saw it.

So what necessitated all this clandestine spy behavior? Hold on to your hats, SPs.

For the last several days, we have been engaged in stealth night raids on the homes of CNN executives. Once inside, we have them anesthetized and then operated on as the subjects in a grotesque experiment we conducted because we were both curious and bored.

The goal? To surgically swap their butt cheeks for their brains and see if they could still function. Yes, we dressed up like commandos, spent a fortune on private jets and medical lessons all so we could turn CNN executives into literal buttheads.

And you won’t believe this, but it worked…

Note two: The first note was originally just the Trump interview news and us screaming WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING THINKING?! We’re still not sure we made the right choice. But seriously — what kind of deal did CNN make? What questions did they agree not to ask? Did they offer a former Daily Caller reporter as the interviewer on purpose?

Note three: We would normally think this goes without saying but it’s 2023 so please know that we absolutely abhor violence and we don’t want anyone breaking into the homes of CNN execs and making them assheads. Thank you.

Note four: We want to send some love to E. Jean Carroll who just finished three of the longest goddamn days on the stand we can imagine. Where in the world does she find the strength? And how is Trump’s attorney so fucking bad at this? More: NBC

Note five: If you missed this White House Correspondents Dinner this weekend, then you must have a life. But there were some parts that were definitely worth seeing…

Note six: House Republicans didn’t wall off veterans from the cuts they’re proposing so House Republicans are proposing to cut veteran services. And they get really angry when you point this out. But the truth usually makes them that way. More: HuffPost

Note seven: Tucker Carlson is still fired. More: HuffPost

Note eight: WHAT THE FUCK?! Apparently you can go all Charlottesville in New York and get away with it. Maybe they really are soft on crime there. More: News One

Note nine: LOLOL. Been a rough couple days for all them Utah pervs. More: Vice

Note 10: Ron DeSantis hasn’t even entered the race yet and he’s already lost. We’d be laughing our asses off if people weren’t suffering from his bullshit in Florida.

Note 11: Thanks to Mehdi Hasan, we know that the Fox News scum were very upset that Dark Brandon was making fun of them at the correspondents dinner. Here’s a question — WHAT THE FUCK DID THEY THINK WAS GONNA HAPPEN?! More: HuffPost

Note 12: You can’t teach sex ed in Texas, but they do want to teach third graders how to treat battlefield wounds. What a cool state where families should definitely live. More: Democratic Underground 

Note 13: We’re sending thanks, love and a big ol’ TBS salute to the students who stood up for LGBTQ rights as Gov. Kim Reynolds handed them their diplomas. Good job, Republicans. More: Des Moines Register

Note 14: Anna Kaplan, a Jewish Democrat who is actually Jewish and not lying about it, has filed to run against George Santos. More: Newsday 

Note 15: One last note from this past weekend…

Note 16: We’re gonna reach the debt ceiling by June 1. Because the press is treating a bunch of domestic terrorists like they’re serious about spending and not just trying to wreck the economy, Biden reached out to McCarthy to make a deal. This is fucking insane. More: ABC

Note 17: If Ted Cruz looks more sweaty than usual, this is why… More: Texas Tribune

Note 18: Orange Dingus went to Scotland. Let’s see how it went…

Note 19: “Beat It Ya Big Orange Jobbie” is our favorite.

Note 20: And on that hilarious note, let’s go do some news. We’re so happy to be back with you Sexy Patriots after a little time off. We hope y’all had a great weekend and your week is off to a kick-ass start. Love y’all!

Strike

Last night the Writers Guilds voted to go on strike as big Hollywood rich people refuse to make it possible for writers to make enough money to live on. Without writers, you have the Kardashians and Trump. Without writers, there is no Ted Lasso. So fucking pay them. Please.

More: Hollywood Reporter

Fuck Greg Abbott

Over the weekend, a deranged piece of shit in Texas killed a whole family because they asked him to stop wildly shooting his AR-15. Two children survived because they were covered by two of the women who died. So how did the governor of Texas respond to this horror show? By calling the dead people “illegal immigrants.” Yeah, he wanted his state to know their deaths didn’t matter. He tried to walk it back yesterday, but he can kiss our asses, eat shit and then go fuck himself.

More: NBC

Good day for SCOTUS

So Senate Judiciary Democrats are finally having their big hearing on a super corrupt Supreme Court today. Of course John Roberts won’t be there because Dick Durbin’s weak invitation was quite easy to decline. Btw, while we were out, Sam Alito did an interview where he whined about the Dobbs leak because it could have gotten the justices assassinated. He didn’t say much about all the women he’s going to get killed, but that’s only because they don’t matter as much as he does. We need Senate Democrats to be tougher. And Durbin writing op-eds telling us what a great job he’s doing isn’t cutting it.

More: NPR

Today’s clips

Widespread loneliness in the U.S. poses health risks as deadly as smoking a dozen cigarettes daily, costing the health industry billions of dollars annually, the U.S. surgeon general said Tuesday in declaring the latest public health epidemic. More: HuffPost

The Los Angeles Philharmonic was in the middle of Tchaikovsky’s Symphony No. 5 on Friday when attendees at the Walt Disney Concert Hall heard a loud moan from the audience that was widely described as a woman having an orgasm ― though there is some debate about what people heard. More: HuffPost

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