5.22.24 Bayou bull

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it was forced to think about Giuliani peeing yesterday.

Note: Sexy Patriots! The first criminal trial of an ex-president of the United States is almost over, and we have already reached a verdict. We think that dirty sonofabitch is guilty. Of so much shit. And one of the things he’s guilty of is rigging the Supreme Court to take away basic human rights from millions of women. But don’t worry. He’ll probably stop there. Right?

Sonofa… Hey but don’t worry because he walked it back later in a totally normal all-caps Truth Social post in which he declared “I HAVE NEVER AND WILL NEVER ADVOCATE IMPOSING RESTRICTIONS ON BIRTH CONTROL…” It went on like that for a while as he tends to do. But we actually got our hands on part of the rant that he didn’t post. Here it is…

AND IF YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS BELIEVE THAT SHIT, THEN YOU MUST HAVE GONE TO TRUMP UNIVERSITY OR BE ONE OF MY IDIOT SONS. AFTER ALL, I’M THE EVIL FUCK WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR OVERTURNING ROE. I JUST SAID THE OTHER DAY THAT I’M FINE WITH STATES MONITORING WOMEN’S PREGNANCIES. AND THIS IS ALL SHIT I’M SAYING WHILE I’M CAMPAIGNING. JUST WAIT AND SEE WHAT I DO IF I WIN. SOMEONE JUST FARTED. IT WASN’T ME. OK FINE IT WAS ME. BUT OBAMA MADE ME DO IT. I LOVE YOU, IVANKA. PLEASE MARRY ME WHEN I’M EMPEROR.

Yikes. That dude has got some real problems. Let’s not make them our problems too. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Yesterday while Trump and the Republican Party were launching despicable attacks on Judge Juan Merchan and his daughter, Mitch McConnell was demanding everyone stop being so mean to his corrupt SCOTUS judges. Fuck that. More: HuffPost

Note three: Have y’all heard about the Trump movie that is shocking the shit out of people? Apparently it’s pretty intense and horrifying. Sorta like Trump. More: HuffPost

Note four: Yesterday Rudy Giuliani pleaded not guilty in Arizona and finally agreed to stop harassing George election workers Shaye Moss and Ruby Freeman. It’s about fucking time. Now if only he’d stop pooping out of his face and embarrassing himself at every turn… More: ABC

Note five: Welp. The embarrassment didn’t stop yesterday. Maybe today…

Note six: We were so happy to see so many great people win their primaries yesterday. Especially Fulton County DA Fani Willis. Now she can go back to focusing on putting scumbags in prison. Especially orange ones. More: AP

Note seven: Holy shit the NBA playoffs have been fantastic this year. Y’all watching?

Note eight: Trump brought back one of the scummiest scumbags from his scummy 2016 campaign. This shit is getting gross fast. More: Politico

Note nine: Climate change is making turbulence way scarier. So yeah, can we please get serious about it? More: NBC

Note 10: Don’t worry, Dr. Feelgood, we are definitely scared. But we’re mostly sick and tired of being threatened by deranged limp-peckered kiss-asses.

Note 11: Trump and his stooges were pretending yesterday that Biden and the FBI were going to assassinate them. You won’t be surprised to hear they are completely full of shit. More: NBC

Note 12: Maryland Republican Larry Hogan’s first ad of the general election cycle is about how he’s pro-choice. This tells us two things — First, Republicans are scared shitless over what they’ve done and 2. Larry Hogan is a goddamn liar who thinks we’re all idiots. More: Politico

Note 13: Joe Piscopo was in court with Trump yesterday. That’s not a joke. That really happened. Honestly we’re not creative enough to come up with something that fucking funny. More: NJ.com

Note 14: Ohio Republicans are fucking around and talking about not putting Joe Biden on the ballot. Isn’t it weird how all the pundits who whined about Colorado not wanting an insurrectionist on the ballot have now gone quiet? More: Ohio Capital Journal

Note 15: Allow us to introduce you to the concept of laughing nightmare fuel…

Note 16: Trump still had classified documents in his bedroom AFTER the FBI search? Those poor documents. More: Axios

Note 17: We don’t know who Amber Rose is, but we hate her. More: HuffPost

Note 18: Moms for Liberty is going to spend money to try and influence the presidential election. Here’s hoping Moms for Not Being the Worst are getting involved too. More: AP

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we bring you the very serious and important words of tennis badass Coco Gauff… More: AP

Note 20: And on that inspirational note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having a lovely week. And we’re grateful that we can count on you to join us in seeing right through Trump’s bullshit. Now let’s convince about 90 million of our friends and relatives. Love y’all!

Bayou bullshit

So Louisiana Republicans did something fucked up and awful. The statehouse voted yesterday to put two abortion pills on the state’s list of controlled substances. So if you possess it without a prescription, you can go to jail. This is where this is headed. This is why nobody on Earth should believe Trump that he won’t go after birth control. Of course he will.

More: NBC

LOLOL

Donald Trump had a rough one yesterday. First, his lawyers blew it in court and he didn’t testify because he’s a chickenshit. Second, he had to spend time with Junior. Third, he had to pull down a social media post with Nazi shit in it. Fourth, we found out he still had classified docs in his bedroom. Fifth, he said some horrifying shit about contraception. Sixth, he had to walk back that horrifying shit he said about contraception. Things aren’t going great for orange assmouth. So why the fuck does this race feel so close?

More: HuffPost

Git his ass

Trump might have deleted his “unified Reich” post, but Team Biden-Harris weren’t going to let him forget about it. Both Biden and VP Harris hit Trump hard over the post yesterday, reminding Americans that this ain’t remotely the first time Trump has flirted with Nazi shit.

More: ABC

Today’s clips

A man accused of firing a gun outside the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, told a federal judge on Monday that he had “nothing to worry about” because Donald Trump was “going to be back in office in six months.” More: HuffPost

Vince Fong, a California State Assembly member backed by former President Donald Trump, won a special election Tuesday to complete the remainder of the term of deposed former U.S. House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, which runs through January. More: HuffPost