5.22.23 House Republicans are trying to tank the economy

It’s Monday. There are 533 days until the presidential election. The NAACP warns against Florida, a hot Georgia summer and House Republicans are trying to tank the economy.

Be advised: This newsletter cares about both sides — cuss words and non-cuss words.

Note: Howdy, Sexy Patriots! How the eff are you this Monday? Bummed the weekend is over? Yeah, us too. But mostly because we have to eat a little crow and we’re embarrassed about it. SPs, from time to time, we have compared various Republicans to the proverbial shithouse rat.

You’ve heard us say it many, many times — So-and-so Taylor Greene is crazier than a shithouse rat. We just thought it was a good saying that accurately summed up how batcrap crazy the GOP has become. It just never occurred to us to consider the feelings of the shithouse rat. But after receiving this statement over the weekend from Gerald “the Shithouse Rat” Smathers, we are rethinking some things. For your consideration…

Ladies and gentlemen of the Sexy Patriot Universe (SPU), thank you for hearing me out. Anyone who knows me will tell you I have a great sense of humor. Hell it comes with the job. And so does a certain acknowledgment that life as a shithouse rat is bound to come with some misunderstandings and unfair assumptions and even mockery. Yes, I spend my days chilling around giant piles of old-timey outhouse cowboy shit. I am a shithouse rat. But I have never voted for Trump, attacked the US Capitol or threatened to tank the economy if I can’t fuck over the middle class. And frankly, I’ve come to resent the comparison to those who do or have. My family doesn’t deserve to have our shit-covered name dragged through the mud like I’m fucking Paul Gosar or Lauren Boebert or some shit. I’m sorry to complain, but enough is enough. Please knock it off.

Oof. That was a tough read, but the shithouse rat might have a point. We’re gonna have a long think on this. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: By the end of the week we’ll be apologizing to batcrap.

Note three: It’s really pretty astonishing how little credit Joe Biden gets for uniting the free world around defending Ukraine and repelling Russian scum. Probably because Fox News and the Republican Party like the Russian scum.

Note four: Seditionist Stewart Rhodes is getting sentenced this week. DOJ is asking for 25 years. Seems kinda weak to us. More: CNN

Note five: Remember when Trump put one of his slimeball cronies in charge of Voice of America and everyone was screaming what a horrible fucked up thing that was? Well the screamers were right again. More: NPR

Note six: The New York Times’s chief political reporter is getting dangerously close to figuring out the most obvious fucking shit on the planet…

Note seven: Something called Semafor has a story out today about how DeSantis’s press strategy of having a registered foreign agent attack and try to destroy reporters might be hurting his campaign. We disagree. They got an Axios reporter fired and the press kept kissing his ass. More: Semafor

Note eight: Tim Scott is announcing he’s running for president today. Actually, since this isn’t a beltway news publication we can tell you the truth — Tim Scott is launching his pathetic and transparent effort to be Trump’s running mate today. Good luck, asshole. More: ABC

Note nine: Did y’all watch Succession last night? Can you believe there’s only one more?!

Note 10: Ron DeSantis is announcing his campaign this week too. Here he is campaigning. Or perhaps meeting other human beings for the first time in his life.

Note 11: The Pentagon is no longer looking for nazis and white supremacists in its ranks because Republicans scared them with talk of wokeness. How can we defeat our enemies if we’re scared of Ted fucking Cruz? More: CNN

Note 12: We’re still laughing that Warner Bros Discovery chief David Zaslav got booed while giving the commencement speech at Boston University yesterday. They were chanting “Pay Your Writers.” The kids are more than alright. They might just save our sorry asses. More: HR

Note 13: On Friday, a Trump judge told a young trans woman that she had to dress the way he told her to in order to attend her high school graduation. Judges are now telling people how to dress. In America. More: Mississippi Today

Note 14: The Associated Press just learned what anyone who wasn’t born yesterday has known for a while — the attacks on trans people at the state level have been coordinated and well-funded. Duh. More: AP

Note 15: This weekend, Brittney Griner had her home season opener as the WNBA season officially got underway and look who joined her for a night of celebration, goosebumps and hoops…

Note 16: How much do we love Lizzo for going to states that pass bullshit laws and calling them out as bullshit laws? More: CNN

Note 17: A Supreme Court Justice said that COVID restrictions were “the greatest intrusions on civil liberties in the peacetime history of our country.” Yeah, Neil Gorsuch must’ve got one of them Florida educations. More: AP

Note 18: You might have heard a story last week that Fox was hyping about some veterans who were kicked out of a hotel to make room for homeless people. It was a total lie. Fox is even admitting it. Of course they’re not talking about how they claimed the story was confirmed. More: AP

Note 19: We don’t usually circle back like this but y’all should hear the crowd when Griner is announced…

Note 20: And on that goosebumps note, let’s go do some news! We hope y’all had an awesome weekend. And if you see that shithouse rat, try to make nice. He’s having a hard time. Love y’all!

Sunshine State of Shame

After Ron DeSantis spent the last few years disenfranchising Black people, arresting some who tried to vote, erasing Black American history and just generally being a pudding-fingered hate crime, the NAACP has issued a travel warning for people of color for the state of Florida. People like Ted Cruz are very angry. Not at the racist piece of shit governor who is trying to make Florida whites only but at the proud civil rights organization. Honestly it’s tragic it’s come to this. But Florida did this to itself.

More: NBC

Summer of Fani

Fulton County DA Fani Willis sent a letter to a judge last week basically telling him they’re planning to be busy as all hell in August. Many people think that means indictments for Trump and his gang of assholes are forthcoming. We’re hopeful too, but with the shenanigans the GOP-controlled statehouse has been pulling, we’re gonna take a deep breath and try to wait for some actual shit to happen.

More: AP

Fuck the economy

House Republicans spent the weekend posturing for Punchbowl. First they walked away from the talks, then they come back. Now Kevin15 wants a one-on-one meeting with Biden, and they’re doing that later today. Biden and this White House have already been prepared to give away more than we’re ok with, and we’re beginning to get a little heated that there wasn’t a better plan in place than trying to shame the Jan. 6 fuckheads into doing the right thing. Let’s see what comes from today’s meeting, but this ain’t good.

Today’s clips

Paul Whelan, a former U.S. Marine wrongfully detained by Russia since 2018, on Sunday said he and his family share “an extreme worry” that he could be left behind again with the arrest of Wall Street Journal reporter Evan Gershkovich, but said he’s confident the U.S. government is working hard for his release. More: HuffPost

Jeffrey Epstein had tried to blackmail Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates after discovering the billionaire had an affair with a Russian bridge player years earlier, according to a Wall Street Journal report on the notorious sex trafficker. More: HuffPost

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