5.20.24 Let’s do this

It’s Monday. There are 169 (nice) days until the general election. Abortion will be on the ballot in Colorado, Biden reminds us why he and Trump aren’t the same and Sam Alito is basically Sean Hannity.

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like it keeps looking at polls even though it fucking knows better.

Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! It’s so great to see you! It’s America in the year 2024 so of course a bunch of fucked up stupid awful shit went down this weekend, and we’re planning to talk about as much of it as we can in today’s newsletter. But first we have to talk about the funniest goddamn motherfucking thing that has ever happened in history…

LOLOL!!!!!! What an all-time fucking dunce! It’s amazing this guy doesn’t just walk about with one foot in a goddamn bucket all the time. Remember Gargamel from the Smurfs? Well take that dude, soak him in his own urine, make him get embarrassed by three-inch tall blue people five times more than he already does, and you’ve got America’s Mayor. We were laughing about this so dang hard, and we started debating what Rudy’s most embarrassing moment on this planet is. So we came up with a list…

5: Being a father to Andrew Giuliani. To quote Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack, “Now I know why tigers eat their young.”

4. The Borat-pants-down-in-a-hotel-with-a-young-girl thing. People seriously forget how fucked up that was/is.

3. That time he danced on a table at Mar-a-Lago while Trump threw nickels and lit cigarettes at him. We don’t know this happened, but it probably happened.

2. Four Seasons Total Landscaping. ‘Nuff said.

1. When he took a shit out of his forehead. At a “Stop the Steal” circle jerk at RNC HQ, Rudy’s hair dye started leaking down his face. Or at least that’s the official story. We believe Rudy’s soul became so rotten that he began pooping it out of his pores.

We realize that the order might be controversial, and please feel free to email us your suggestions. A case can definitely be made that the Four Seasons thing was way more humiliating than the face diarrhea thing. Anyway, thanks to Rudy Giuliani for being a metaphor for America for the last 25 years. Ugh. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: The second funniest thing to happen in history is Trump saying this weekend that Dr. Feelgood Ronny Jackson told him he’s a “better physical specimen” than Barack Obama. Sure, champ. More: RawStory

Note three: Trump is back in court today. Joe Biden is not. More: HuffPost

Note four: The president of Iran died. Unfortunately are are all out of thoughts and prayers. Oh well. More: NPR

Note five: We’ll talk more about it in the news section, but Joe Biden made us really proud this weekend…

Note six: It was a real bummer to lose Dabney Coleman on Friday. We freaking love 9 to 5 so much. More: AP

Note seven: This weekend at the NRA convention, Trump promised to repeal background checks legislation that Biden got passed. So yes Trump wants more dead kids. More: ABC

Note eight: Trump also had a super weird glitch while he was speaking and he’s flipping out that the Biden campaign is calling it out. More: USA Today

Note nine: Our sincerest condolences to Knicks fans. But surely this feeling isn’t new.

Note 10: You won’t be surprised to hear that Kid Rock is human garbage…

Note 11: In a world of Kid Rocks, be an Eddie Vedder…

Note 12: You’re not gonna believe this but RFK Jr. is lying about where he lives to vote in New York. How the fuck is this dude running for president? More: NY Post

Note 13: We’ve known for a while that Elise Stefanik would kill her whole family for the chance to kiss Trump’s ass, but giving a speech to a foreign parliament for the express purpose of attacking an American president is pretty fucking disgusting even for her. More: NPR

Note 14: Elise also lost her shit on Fox when they asked her about how she used to hate Trump. LOL. Oops. More: Politico

Note 15: We don’t normally say nice things about Republicans, but we liked CNN’s Alice Stewart and we were damn sorry to hear of her passing. More: CNN

Note 16: Jiggly Douchebro (JD) Vance thinks America can learn a thing or two from Hungary.

Note 17: Thank you to Hakeem Jeffries for calling out Sam Alito. We should be hearing this from every Democrat in the country. More: Yahoo

Note 18: The Human Rights Campaign is planning to drop $15 million to help Biden-Harris in swing states. Let’s go!!! More: NBC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, happy birthday to Cher. Need we say anymore? More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that lovely note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all had a great weekend and you didn’t poop yourself while getting served an indictment at your 80th birthday. Sounds like a shitty way to celebrate. Love y’all!

Let’s do this

It’s official. Abortion will be on the ballot in Colorado this November. This means good things for the women of Colorado who aren’t named Lauren Boebert. But we’ll say it again — abortion is on the ballot everywhere this November. We occasionally hear from Blue State folks who don’t think they have anything to worry about if Trump wins again. Well look at that crazy motherfucker, look at this crazy Supreme Court and then start worrying.

More: AP

Thank you, Mr. President

So yesterday President Biden gave the commencement address at Morehouse College in Atlanta and then flew to Detroit to address the NAACP. Donald Trump would not have done either of those things. But the other thing Trump would not have done is tolerate protesters like Biden did yesterday. And Biden didn’t just tolerate the protests, he acknowledged them and said he is working to address their concerns. Compare that to Trump calling for violence against protesters and then fucking tell us these guys are the same.

More: AP

JFC

Sam Alito is basically that Kid Rock interview but as a Supreme Court justice. A new report says that when Kid Rock and the rest of the scary kids were attacking Bud Light for having the audacity to be nice to a trans person, Alito sold his Bud Light stock. So yeah, we have a Supreme Court justice who watches Fox News and thinks it’s real. Pretty scary shit, y’all.

Today’s clips

The International Criminal Court's chief prosecutor said Monday that he would seek arrest warrants for Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Hamas leader Yahya Sinwar, as well as for other senior Israeli and Palestinian figures who have played key roles in the war in Gaza. More: NBC

The Senate is expected to vote on a standalone border policy package this week, reviving a bipartisan compromise that collapsed in the upper chamber earlier this year. More: Politico