5.19.23 House Republicans want to wreck the economy

Be advised: This newsletter uses a lot of profanity. We tried to get it to stop, but it told us to fuck off.

Note: Sexy Patriots! The weekend! She is upon us! We sure hope y’all have had an awesome week. We know we have. It’s been a blast watching House Republicans protect George Santos while trying to impeach about 50 other people. But it seems like the dipshit having the worst week every week lately is Ron DeShithead. LOL. Oh Puddin’.

Ron spent this week doing the two things he does best — turning Florida into a fascist shithole and getting his ass whooped by a cartoon mouse. And as luck would have it, we have a source close to that mouse who agreed to talk to us today. Please give a warm TBS welcome to Ricky Rouse (trust us and use the high-pitched voice in your head as you’re reading this)...

TBS: Mick, er, Ricky! Great to have you with us!

Ricky Rouse: Thanks, guys. Big fan. Love the DeShithead stuff.

TBS: Yeah, we thought you might. So what’s up with this lawsuit.

RR: It’s real simple. This dude keeps fucking with the mouse’s house, so the mouse must fuck with him back.

TBS: Are you worried about losing?

RR: (Laughs maniacally) Do you know who the fuck I am?! Do you know how fucking old I am?! I’ve been around goddamnit! They used to call me Steamboat! I don’t even know this motherfucker’s name! I shit bigger than Brad DeSampras!

TBS: That was close enough. Do you think you’ll take more than just a billion out of Florida?

RR: Depends on pudding peckerhead. Do you know what a billion dollars is to me? It’s nothing. I spend more than that on Pluto’s dog food.

TBS: You seem pretty fired up about all of this.

RR: I am Florida, motherfuckers. That asshole is just a tourist in pretty white boots.

TBS: Good to know. Good luck, Mickey! We mean Ricky!

Note two: That mouse seems really pissed off. Glad he’s not mad at us.

Note three: Breaking news this morning about a DC cop who has been indicted for helping the Proud Boys after Jan. 6. We might have finally found the one cop from Jan. 6 who Republicans might support. More: NBC

Note four: Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav is bragging that CNN is now a place where Republicans are safe. Does that make Jake Tapper Zaslav’s Dog? More: Variety

Note five: Y’all, Jamie Raskin is the freaking best. If he want us to hop on a Zoom to fight cancer, then that’s what we’re gonna do…

Note six: Why the fuck hasn’t Clay Higgins been charged with assault yet? More: NBC

Note seven: After DeShithead and his fascist friends took a wrecking ball to their school, the students from New College had their own graduation last night. Congratulations to all the graduates! More: Tampa Bay Times

Note eight: Thank you to Christiane Amanpour for being honest about how CNN is failing. Honesty is what journalists do. Or at least it’s what they’re supposed to do. More: Guardian

Note nine: The governor of North Dakota is going to run for president. Fuck it. We are too. More: CBS

Note 10: True story — when we clicked on that link, that was the first time we ever heard that asshole’s name. He’ll probably do fine though.

Note 11: We are so fucking grateful Stacey Plaskett is on our side. Btw, if you didn’t see this hearing yesterday, at one point Daniel Goldman asked the witnesses if they were being paid by Kash Patel and they said yes. Seems legit, right?

Note 12: That new Dungeons and Dragons movie is really fun if you’re into that kinda thing. Also, check out the new Judy Blume doc. She means a lot to us.

Note 13: In case there is any doubt out there, we continue to stand with the striking writers and we always will. Just like this crazy sonofabitch… More: Hollywood Reporter

Note 14: Uh-oh, y’all. RFK Jr. has hired Dennis Kucinich as a campaign manager. We’re in real trouble now. This is a man who once got almost 1 percent of the vote in New Hampshire in 2004. These guys are clearly not messing around. More: NBC

Note 15: Our Vice President is a barrier-breaker, a fighter for what’s right and an all-around badass. She’s also just cool as all hell…

Note 16: Some TikTokers are gonna sue Montana for banning the app. Who saw that coming? Also, is it TikTokers? Because that doesn’t look right. More: AP

Note 17: We wanted to give the voting a few days, but Sexy Patriot Universe or SPU has narrowly been adopted. It turned out to be more contentious that we thought, so we’re gonna use it sparingly.

Note 18: Folks, get ready to laugh at Chris Christie a lot. Like A LOT a lot. More: NY Post

Note 19: Here’s a story about Jamaal Bowman defending himself from Marjorie Taylor Green’s bullshit yesterday. He has to say these things because a gutless press corps won’t. More: HuffPost

Note 20: Let’s try to end on a happy note going into the weekend. Here’s Willie Nelson and Snoop singing together at Willie’s 90th birthday party at the Hollywood Bowl a few weeks back…

Note 21: And on that high note, let’s go do some news and then do this weekend. We love you, Sexy Patriots, and we hope you’re holding your heads up. We know it ain’t easy to do, but we’ll be right back here cussing with you on Monday. Have a great weekend!

The Destroyers

Let’s be really clear about one thing up front — the Jan. 6 assholes do not want a debt ceiling deal. If you think they do, you must work at CNN of Politico or some shit. Yesterday the House Freedom Caucus called for suspending negotiations until the Senate passes a bill. Yeah, they want to just stop everything until the Senate votes on the House’s bullshit bill. Except it doesn’t work like that and what they really want is to tank the economy so Trump can beat Biden. It’s really that simple. That’s why Biden is gonna need to use the 14th amendment. They will probably impeach him for it, and he’ll say he did it to save the economy. Seems like a fine plan to us.

More: CBS

G7, G

Dark Brandon is in Japan for the G7 meeting. Zelensky is too. It’s basically yet another global summit where DB has unified the world around rejecting Russia’s evil shit. Biden’s unified opposition to Russian aggression is one of great US foreign policy successes of our lifetime and we just can’t figure out why the usual assholes don’t want to see that.

More: AP

Judge Abudu

Elections matter. When Republicans win, they put evil scum on the bench. When Democrats win, we confirm people like civil rights warrior Nancy Abudu. Enormous congratulations to Judge Abudu after the Senate voted to confirm her yesterday. She is the first Black woman to sit on the 11th Circuit. We were lucky DiFi was back because piece of shit Joe Manchin voted against her. Fuck Joe Manchin. And congratulations again to Judge Abudu.

More: SPL Center

Today’s clips

The White House on Thursday withdrew the nomination of Michael Delaney to a U.S. circuit court seat because he doesn’t have the votes to be confirmed. More: HuffPost

Democratic Sen. Dianne Feinstein’s office said Thursday that she is suffering from Ramsay Hunt syndrome, a complication from the shingles virus that can paralyze part of the face, and that she contracted encephalitis while recovering from the virus earlier this year. More: HuffPost

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