5.18.23 GOP rallies around George Santos

Be advised: This newsletter contains profanity and other cool shit.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we’ve got some bad news. We’ve been impeached. Yeah Marjorie Taylor Whatever impeached us. She showed up at TBS HQ with what looked like a toy magic wand, she pointed it at us and she said “Impeached.” It felt very official.

We’re not sure what this means for us. We assume there are some kind of special t-shirts we’ll be expected to wear that say “IMPEACHED” and we might not be able to run as fast as before. It actually tingles a little bit. Kind of an all over impeachment body buzz. We think it might even be making us a little taller.

If all of this sounds idiotic that’s because it is. But the Jewish Space Lasers lady is on a tear lately, and she’s impeaching everyone and their neighbor. So we figured we’d try to get in on that.

Oof. This seems very serious. She’s really on a roll. Like Bluto in Animal House. So yeah, screw it, we’re impeached too. If we’re gonna make this shit a joke, then let’s at least make it a funny one. So thanks for the impeachment, Greeney. ‘Cause everybody’s gonna know that Scarlet A stands for Fuckin’ Awesome. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: A Republican member of Congress assaulted a young activist yesterday. No reporters are asking about it today. So we’re at the point now where the mainstream media is actually covering up Republican violence. Maybe we’ve been at that point for a while. More: WBRZ

Note three: DeSantis is announcing next week that he’s running for president. It’s a pretty weird order. Usually people announce first and then spend months humiliating themselves. Puddin’ did it backwards. More: CBS

Note four: Thank goodness someone finally wrote about the gross relationship between some Capitol Hill reporters and Kevin McCarthy. Aren’t those watchdogs supposed to be working for the American people? More: Prospect

Note five: We feel bad showing you so much Marjorie Taylor Gross, but you need to see this racist bullshit…

Note six: George Santos’s communications director has resigned. It took her this long to figure out he wasn’t really George Clooney like he said? More: Turn to 23

Note seven: That Pentagon leaker that Marjorie and her friends were so eager to defend was repeatedly warned about stealing classified shit. Um, how many goddamn warnings do they get? More: BBC

Note eight: Well this is pretty fucked up. A deranged and violent former NFL player appears to be sending threats to Eric Swalwell. Maybe the dumbshit is eager to make yet another reboot of the Longest Yard. More: Rawstory

Note nine: A handful of US Senators, including Angus King, are suggesting Biden get ready to use the 14th Amendment to avoid default. This seems like a way better goddamn plan to us than to give Kevin McCarthy one fucking thing he’s asking for. More: NBC

Note 10: Republicans are really putting it all out in the public for everyone to see these days, aren’t they?

Note 11: The Los Angeles Dodgers caved to Marco Rubio and a bunch of bigots and disinvited a group to their Pride Night. Now we know how completely full of shit the Dodgers and their Pride Night is. More: KTLA 

Note 12: It’s pretty crazy that Rep. Paul Gosar has a nazi on his payroll. It’s even crazier that this kinda fucked up shit is happening so often we missed this story for days. More: Independent

Note 13: This one kinda shocked us, but the Supreme Court took a break from killing Americans yesterday and decided not to fuck with the Illinois assault weapons ban. More: NBC

Note 14: So yesterday we told you how well Democrats did in Pennsylvania. And they did. Even that shitty judge who ruled for Trump after 2020 lost. But a whole lot of election deniers still won, and we gotta make sure that’s the last time they win. More: Bolts Mag

Note 15: Dark Brandon is laying out the stakes as clear as can be. So is the former guy…

Note 16: Yesterday in Florida, Ron DeFascist signed the most anti-trans law in the country. It targets everyone, including trans adults. It also says the state can take kids from parents. This is some really really scary shit, and if you think they’re gonna stop with our trans friends, then you haven’t been paying attention. (Not you, SPs. We know you’re paying attention.) More: BBC

Note 17: Montana just banned TikTok. All four teenagers who live there are furious. More: NPR

Note 18: Yesterday, three Republican judges on the Fifth Circuit asked the lawyers defending the abortion pill if they’d like to apologize to the judge who banned it. So that’s how that went. Prepare for the worst. (We linked to Politico because they actually covered it right.) More: Politico

Note 19: Y’all know we like to try and end on a happy note, so let’s end on the news that yesterday the Senate — with DiFi back in the saddle — voted to invoke cloture on Nancy Abudu, who would be the only Black woman on the 11th Circuit. Manchin voted no. Let’s hope the full Senate confirms her nomination real soon. More: Senate Democrats

Note 20: And on that happy note, let’s go do some news. We hope y’all are having an awesome week. And if you get impeached too, come sit by us. We’ll save you a seat. Love y’all!

Oh Gym

As we were writing this morning, Gym Jordan was holding one of his “weaponization” hearings, and this one was a doozy. He invited three former FBI guys who are also actual traitors. They’ve all three had their security clearances taken away for some fucked up behavior. One guy refused to execute a warrant on a Jan. 6 guy who assaulted cops. One guy was recording his bosses. And one guy was doing interviews with Sputnik. Cool friends, Gym!

More: MSNBC

FUCKUS YOUUS SCOTUS

That was more clever in our heads. Regardless, American trust in the Supreme Court is at its lowest point in 50 years. We’re guessing it’s because they’re a bunch of corrupt scum who are forcing their religion on us and stripped basic human rights from millions and millions of women. According to a new poll, only 18 percent of Americans have a great deal of confidence in the Supreme Court. And all 18 percent are Ginni Thomas and the voices in her head. Americans are mad at SCOTUS. What the hell is it gonna take for Dick Durbin to feel the same?

More: AP

George and friends

Yesterday Democrats tried to force a vote to expel George Santos’s lying criminal ass out of the House. But Republicans need him and his vote, so they moved to protect him and instead refer his expulsion to a House Ethics Committee that was already investigating him. Every single Republican and three CNN anchors voted to protect him. They are the party of George Santos, and we need to make them eat it.

More: NPR

Today’s clips

The Food and Drug Administration got one step closer to making birth control pills available over the counter when a panel of experts voted unanimously to recommend the move last week. At a time of increasingly fraught access to reproductive health care, being able to get birth control without a prescription would make it easier for people to plan and prevent pregnancies nationwide. More: HuffPost

Failed Arizona gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake didn’t have a great day in court on Wednesday in her last-ditch attempt to overturn the results of the 2022 election. More: HuffPost

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