5.17.24 Marjorie Taylor Gross

Be advised: This newsletter cusses because the governor of Texas pardoned some asshole for murdering a Black Lives Matter protester and that’s pretty damn fucked up.

Note: Well, Sexy Patriots, we’re about to bite our fucking tongues off. Because we’re really really really trying to give our friends on the far left a wide berth to work out whatever anger they have with Joe Biden before they eventually remember that Trump is an actual fascist and do the right thing by voting for Biden. But some days that shit ain’t easy to do…

Goddamnit. Sigh. It will not surprise y’all to learn that we are not super cool people. We are not hip. We do not have riz. We don’t even know what that is. There is zero chance that Cardi B gives a shit what this fucked up newsletter thinks about her. And that’s fine. And she can do whatever she likes or vote for Oscar the fucking Grouch or a goddamn can-opener if she wants. But we would like to take a second to give our two cents in response.

SERIOUSLY?! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?! WHAT THE FUCK ARE Y’ALL THINKING?! THERE ARE 10-YEAR-OLD RAPE VICTIMS HAVING TO FLEE THEIR FUCKING HOMES TO GET ABORTIONS! TRUMP AND HIS FRIENDS WILL MAKE THAT WORSE! TRUMP IS ROOTING FOR CLIMATE CHANGE! HE PROMISED BIG OIL HE’D DO WHATEVER THEY WANT FOR $1 BILLION! HE’S PLANNING TO PARDON THE WHITE SUPREMACISTS WHO HE SENT TO ATTACK OUR CAPITOL! HE WANTS TO PUT THE MILITARY IN U.S. CITIES.! HE WANTS TO DEPORT MILLIONS OF PEOPLE! HE WILL MAKE THE ISRAEL-HAMAS WAR WORSE THAN IT ALREADY IS! HE WOULD PROBABLY GET TO APPOINT AT LEAST TWO MORE SUPREME COURT JUSTICES! PLEASE STOP ACTING LIKE THIS IS A GODDAMN FUCKING GAME JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK JOE BIDEN SHOULD COME MOW YOUR LAWN OR GIVE YOU A FUCKING BACK RUB OR WHATEVER IT IS YOU THINK THE GREATEST JOBS PRESIDENT EVER IS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING!

Ok sorry to shout. The truth is we understand there are some real criticisms about Biden, and we get that. We’re not in a fucking cult so we sure as hell don’t discourage that criticism. But we are begging people to look at the big fucking picture and not kill America and Americans because you think it doesn’t matter. Because it sure as shit does. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: Yikes. That was a lot of yelling. If you want to hear the other extreme, then check out our podcast This Week’s Big Stuff and this week you’ll hear Sam lose his shit laughing at his own joke. It’s embarrassing. But by subscribing you’ll be helping us keep this insane newsletter going. Join us! More: Patreon

Note three: GROSS!!!! Republican House members are doing each other. And getting divorced over it. It’s like reality tv except not as classy. More: Daily Mail

Note four: Yesterday the Dow hit a record 40,000 points and neither the New York Times nor the Washington Post had it on their homepage. How the fuck did these two newspapers turn into Fox News? Oh and the networks skipped covering that whole $1 billion from Big Oil thing. What is happening?! Please don’t make us the new MSM. We are not up for it. More: Media Matters

Note five: We’ve got a VP debate! Now we just need to know what pathetic freak is gonna their ass kicked by Kamala Harris.

Note six: Ruben Gallego is getting a boost from a lot of McCain and Sinema people. Probaby because he’s a good person and not an absolute fucking lunatic like Kari Lake. More: Politico

Note seven: RFK Jr.’s running mate gave their campaign another $8 million. But the clips of her and her running mate not knowing where the other stands on abortion are priceless. More: LA Mag

Note eight: Good news, everybody! Trump is going to make it to his son’s graduation. And a Republican fundraiser. More: HuffPost

Note nine: It’s really something watching Bob Mendendez blame his wife for his alleged crimes while she has cancer. How the hell is this asshole not a Republican? More: Politico

Note 10: This is so goddamn funny. Top Wisconsin Trumper Dave Clarke is just blasting the Republican US Senate candidate over and over and over again. We never thought we’d be happy to hear Clarke talk so much.

Note 11: Remember that fucking asshole who kicks for the Kansas City Chiefs? Remember how you didn’t think he could get any worse? Well he’s friends with Josh Hawley. More: Spectrum News

Note 12: Thank you to Leader Hakeem Jeffries for calling out MAGA Mike Johnson over the missing Jan. 6 plaque. What’s the hold-up, Mikey? More: HuffPost

Note 13: Some miserable assholes in North Carolina want to make it illegal to wear a mask in public. So basically they want to kill immuno-compromised people. There are a lot of people in America these days who are missing hearts and brains. It’s fucked up, y’all. More: NBC

Note 14: Whoever was standing behind House Republicans outside Trump’s trial with a “BOOTLICKER” sign, you’re our new hero. More: HuffPost

Note 15: We saved this for now just to make sure y’all keep reading. Here’s Jasmine Crockett calling MTG a “bleach blonde bad built butch body.” Goddamn that’s gotta sting…

Note 16: This dumb motherfucker in Virginia thinks Americans don’t die because they don’t have health insurance. Anyone want to help him lose an election? More: VA Dogwood

Note 17: We try not to overload y’all with social media shit, but there was just so much goodness from last night’s insane fucked up hearing…

Note 18: Abortion will be on the ballot in South Dakota. And it’s not a puppy, so Kristi Noem can’t kill it. More: NBC

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we want to congratulate our friend Mary Trump on the launch of her new media company. We bet it does way better than Truth Social.

Note 20: And on that congratulatory note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all have a great weekend. And if we pissed you off with that opening note, we’re sorry. Well, sorry-ish. Love y’all!

Dank Brandon

We told y’all a couple weeks ago that Joe Biden was getting a lot cooler about weed and moving to reschedule the magical plant so it’s not still in the same category as heroin and meth. Well yesterday Biden made it official that his DOJ is moving to do just that. We have to say we’re proud of Biden for moving on this from where he used to be. And who cares if it’s to win young voters. It’s still the right thing to do. Thanks, Mr. President. And if you’re partaking today, might we recommend you listen to the Allman Brothers’ Eat a Peach.

More: LA Mag

Marjorie Taylor Gross

So we already showed you some clips from last night’s insane House GOP hearing where our beloved Democrats trolled the scumbags to hell and back. It’s astonishing what trash these people are and what they’ve done to our US Capitol. It’s like the people who smeared their shit on the walls stuck around and joined Congress. Thank you to Rep. Crockett and Jamie Raskin and the rest of the team for giving those fuckers what they deserved.

More: NBC

Traitor

It’s not clever but it’s accurate — Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito is a traitor. The New York Times broke the news yesterday that in the days after the Jan. 6, 2021 attack on the US Capitol, Alito flew an upside-down American flag outside his Alexandria, Va. home. He was still dealing with cases about the election at the time! And it gets better. He doesn’t deny it. He just blames his wife. So yeah, this is about as corrupt and fucked up as it gets. Well aside from literally everything Clarence and Ginni Thomas have done.

More: NY Times

Today’s clips

A man whose family members were key architects of the American conservative movement is set to be sentenced Friday for his role in the Jan. 6 attack on the U.S. Capitol. More: NBC

President Joe Biden is trolling Donald Trump over a prediction by the former president that hasn’t aged very well at all. More: HuffPost