5.17.23 Democrats are done with Santos

Be advised: This newsletter cusses like Kevin McCarthy kisses Trump’s ass — with its whole damn mouth.

SPECIAL NOTE: We’re gonna get to our latest attempt at political comedy in a moment. First we want to show you something. You’re going to see it a lot…

Stay mad. Stay furious. Stay fucking apoplectic. We sure are.

Regular Note: Well hey there, Sexy Patriots! How the effing heck fire are you today? Oh that’s wonderful. We knew you’d get it working again. Us? We’re great. We’re grand. We’re awesome. We’re wonderful. We’re this…

Yiiiiiiiiikes. That’s Batman’s new villain — the Jfoser. It’s what you get when you combine the Joker with a Fucking Loser. How the fuck do you get the nickname Pudding Fingers and it’s just the start of your off-putting weirdness? Well here are a couple of things DeSantis ain’t laughing totally normally like a real human about —

• Last night in Kentucky, the candidate DeSantis backed (at the last minute) came in third place lolol

• And then there’s the Jacksonville Jolt, where a Democrat won the mayoral race in Florida’s largest city, beating DeShithead’s candidate and flipping the office to blue

• That he now has to eat pudding with a spoon because people are watching his creepy ass just waiting for him to dig in with his bigoted little vienna sausage fingers

Just remember, Ron, we’re laughing at you. Y’all have a blessed day.

Note two: We’re gonna talk more about the Kentucky race in the news section, but we did want to take a moment to point and laugh at Kelly Craft, the former Trump official/coal baron who put more than $10 million of her own money in the race and still came in third EVEN IN HER HOME COUNTY. LOLOL. Guess not everyone is for sale. More: LEX18

Note three: Y’all, we had a damn good election night last night. We won a special election in Pennsylvania that ensures Democrats maintain their super narrow majority in the statehouse. In fact, it seems like we keep winning special elections. By big margins. So why doesn’t the press coverage reflect that? More: AP

Note four: Yikes. Tommy Tuberville, the senator who is fighting to keep white nationalists in the military, said America should just get rid of elections if no one goes to jail over the bullshit Durham report. This is gonna surprise you, but we disagree. Also, we think this guy might actually be the dumbest motherfucker on the planet. He’s definitely the biggest asshole this side of Uranus. More: AL

Note five: LOL. Uranus.

Note six: Republicans spent all week talking about how much they love the police. They know their reporter friends would never push back on that. Thank goodness there are some people who will.

Note seven: Really disappointed in the Senate Democrats who voted against the people of D.C. But honestly we’re just disappointed in Senate Democrats overall. More: New Republic

Note eight: While we’re linking to the New Republican, kudos to them for talking with Bike Man, that white-supremacist heckling hero we showed y’all earlier this week. More: New Republic

Note nine: Big congratulations to Cherelle Parker, the likely next mayor of Philadelphia and the first woman to be elected to that job. More: Philadelphia Inquirer

Note 10: And big congrats to Pittsburgh for embracing criminal justice reformers. Man, the Keystone State is really just kicking ass these days. More: Bolts Mag

Note 11: Let’s just check in on Mike Pence’s campaign and ouch. Guess it could be worse. His own party could be trying to kill him. Again.

Note 12: Elon Musk continued to reveal himself as a maladjusted psycho dork-douche yesterday with an embarrassing and deeply unsettling interview on CNBC. Glad this dude has so many government contracts. More: CNBC

Note 13: While Democrats were celebrating last night, our cheers were drowned out by those of the happy people of San Antonio. They won the NBA draft lottery last night and with it the chance to draft 7-foot-four-inch Victor Wembanyana. We have no proof that the drawing was rigged, but that drawing was rigged. More: NBA

Note 14: Speaking of sports, last Friday after we published, Britney Griner returned to WNBA action and holy freaking shit is it good to see her back out there. More: CBS Sports

Note 15: There’s a report out this morning that Harry and Megan were in a car chase from paparazzi. Goddamnit. Some people seem determined to make history repeat itself. More: ABC

Note 16: What’s the opposite of congratulations? Oh right. Losing to Newsmax. CNN loves fourth place more than the Flint Tropics.

Note 17: President Biden again opened the door to accepting Republican work requirements. He also canceled part of his foreign trip. We’re not sure who’s negotiating for the White House, but we’d say they’re losing. More: ABC

Note 18: Well, North Carolina Republicans did what we thought they’d do and overrode Gov. Cooper’s abortion ban veto. We’ve got a lot of work and a long road ahead of us. More: HuffPost

Note 19: We don’t say this lightly, but we’re starting to think Marjorie Taylor Green is a lunatic piece of shit. More: HuffPost

Note 20: And on that blunt note, let’s go do some news. Congratulations on a great election night, Sexy Patriots. Let’s keep it going. And if you see the Jfoser, call Batman. Or just laugh at his sorry ass. Love y’all!

Sunshine Statement

It’s been so long we’ve totally forgotten how to say congratulations in Floridian. But BIG TIME congratulations are in order here as Democrat Donna Deegan won the Jacksonville mayoral race. Yes, that is the second largest city in Florida. Yes, that is a pretty red area. Yes, she is the first woman to be mayor of Jacksonville. Yes, Republicans expected to win this. And yes, this is a kick in the white boots for ol’ Pudding Fingers. Congratulations to new Florida Democratic Party Chairwoman Nikki Fried. Let’s hope this is the start of a long overdue backlash.

More: NBC

Bluegrass Battle

The Kentucky primaries were yesterday and now we know that Democrat and all-around awesome dude Andy Beshear will be up against Daniel Cameron, the Trump-McConnell puppet who helped cover up the murder of Breonna Taylor. This will be a tough race to win with Trump and Mitch make the rare team-up to help Cameron. But Andy has done a damn good job as governor, and we’re hoping like hell that still counts for something.

More: HuffPost

Time to go

Thank you to House Democrats for doing what House Republicans are too corrupt and too chickenshit to do — trying to expel George Santos from the House. Santos, who is under multiple indictments in this country and already pleaded guilty in another, is an important vote for Kevin McCarthy so ol’ Kev is trying to keep him around as long as possible. To try and get around the Democratic effort, Republicans are instead trying to kick the can to the ethics committee. That way George can stay around for a while and vote. And this is the party threatening to wreck the economy.

More: Guardian

Today’s clips

A three-day trial is scheduled to begin Wednesday over the only remaining legal claim in Republican Kari Lake’s challenge of her defeat six months ago to Democrat Katie Hobbs in the Arizona governor’s race. More: HuffPost

President Joe Biden and second gentleman Doug Emhoff called for both celebrating Jewish American history, and tackling antisemitism head on, during an event marking Jewish American Heritage Month at the White House Tuesday afternoon. More: ABC

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