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5.16.24 Broken records
It’s Thursday. There are173 days until the general election. We’ve got a debate schedule, SCOTUS does something not horrible and the economy is freaking rolling.
Be advised: This newsletter cusses like Fox News lies — all fucking day.
Note: Sexy Patriots! We have debate dates! Who’s ready for some fucking anxiety?! Hell yeah! We are too! Bring on the xanax! We’re kidding of course, but goddamn this is gonna be one nerve-wracking year.
Now there’s already been some stink about RFK Jr. being excluded from the debates. Mostly from people who stink. But in the interest of fairness, we agreed to debate RFK Jr. In fact, we already did it. Met him at the In-N-Out Burger on Sunset yesterday and debated in the parking lot like a couple of fucking nutjobs. Don’t worry. We wore a lot of tinfoil to protect us from the lunacy. Here’s a rough transcript…
TBS: Hi Bob.
RFK Jr.: Poopie xylophone cloud tire.
TBS: Interesting opening move, sir. But where do you stand on abortion rights?
RFK Jr.: My shoes are named Fred and they have sex with my feet!
TBS: Well played. And how about attacks on the Capitol?
RFK Jr.: The Capitol is where the fart dragon lives. We mustn’t wake it.
TBS: Another valid point. What about Trump?
RFK Jr.: Seems like my kinda guy. Buttcheek diamonds Jupiter swingset.
TBS: Well we know when we’re licked. God help us all.
You couldn’t see it but at that point he was in tears and shaking with rage and waving his ripped underwear at the frightened crowd. So we figured it was best to concede and get the hell out of there. Y’all have a blessed day.
Note two: Yikes. Trump has Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert in court with him today. Can we convict him just for that alone? Hope they both keep their hands where we can see them.
Note three: We wrote a whole news item about how SCOTUS did something that didn’t suck and then they went and did something else that didn’t suck by keeping Elizabeth Warren’s Consumer Financial Protection Bureau alive. What is happening?! More: NBC
Note four: This is rough. Stormy Daniels’ husband said they might leave the US if Trump is acquitted. It’s amazing what people who stand up to Trump have to deal with. More: HuffPost
Note five: Ok so this note is gonna seem like something you want to cheer and agree with, but try to think of it as a set-up to a joke…
Note six: And here’s the punchline. Good ol’, Mittens. Always so close yet always so far from getting it. What a hopeless fucking wimp lol.
Note seven: So we’re not complaining that Bob Menendez is on trial and if he’s guilty he can eat shit. But how the hell did this happen so fucking fast when Trump attacked the goddamn Capitol like three years ago?! More: Politico
Note eight: Eric Swalwell was on one yesterday. You love to see it. More: RawStory
Note nine: A Department of the Interior staffer who is Jewish publicly resigned from the Biden administration yesterday in protest over the White House’s handling of the Israel-Hamas War. More: HuffPost
Note 10: Someone tell Devin Nunes that we already investigated by Truth Social’s stock price crashed. It’s because Truth Social is garbage and Devin is a fucking moron.
Note 11: This is a fascinating story about a right-wing asshole who was all for book bans until she found out that the reasons for the book bans were all political bullshit and she went and became not a right-wing asshole. It’s nice to see. More: Texas Tribune
Note 12: Federal prosecutors are asking the Trump judge on the Bannon case why the hell Bannon isn’t already in prison. We’re asking the same damn thing. More: ABC
Note 13: Arizona officials are unable to find Rudy Giuliani to serve him with his indictment. We suggest they look for him in a gutter, at Four Season Landscaping or up Trump’s ass. More: CNN
Note 14: Today is Tucker Carlson’s birthday. We were gonna get him a poop cake, but we didn’t want to waste the cake. Or the poop.
Note 15: We’re gonna need everybody to be safe out there next month…
Note 16: Remember yesterday when we told you that the Kansas City Chiefs kicker is a fucking asshole. Well he still is. Nothing new happened. We just wanted to say it again. More: NBC
Note 17: Beyonce invited VP Harris to her concert. How cool is that? Can you imagine if Beyonce called you up and asked you to come to her show? Would you puke or faint first? Or both at the same time? More: NBC
Note 18: Putin and Xi hanging out together. Trump must hate that he’s being left out of the dictator asshole club meeting. More: CNBC
Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, we just want to again plug the WNBA. Sam went to the LA Sparks game last night and it was freaking awesome. If you love basketball or just love supporting badass women, try to find a game near you. More: LA Mag
Note 20: And on that semi-self-promotional note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are having an awesome week. And if you’re not, take heart in knowing that you don’t have to sit by Boebert, Gaetz or a farting Donald Trump today. Love y’all!
Lets go!!!
Ol’ Dark Brandon snuck one by Team Treason yesterday, coming out of nowhere to propose two debates. Trump was so spun around that it took him half the day to realize that Biden had picked the networks and the dates. By the time Trump got around to pushing for a bullshit Fox debate, nobody was paying attention. Of course the pundits all fell all over themselves to declare this is proof Biden is losing. Putting Trump on stage for Americans to remember who he is just seems like basic shit to us. Anyway, the first showdown is soon. They face off June 27 and then again on Sept. 10. The first one is with Dana Bash and Jake Tapper on CNN.
More: CNN
Um yay?
Every once in a while this broken corrupt Supreme Court doesn’t do something evil and horrible and we are completely thrown for a loop. Yesterday SCOTUS overruled a lower court that had reversed a new set of congressional maps that will add a second majority Black district. This is really good news and we’re waiting for the catch. Not only is this good news for people who deserve representation in Congress, but it’s also likely good news for Democrats hoping to win back the House.
More: NBC
Broken records
Remember when Trump said the stock market would crash if Biden won? Well yesterday all three major stock indexes closed at record highs after a new report came out that showed inflation cooling. This is nuts, y’all. And pretty good for your 401k if you’ve got one. Now obviously the stock market is not the economy and we know a lot of people are still hurting, but goddamn this is a hot fucking economy.
More: AP
Today’s clips
Democratic Rep. Jamie Raskin of Maryland delivered an impromptu history lesson the House floor Wednesday, correcting Rep. Dan Bishop for mistakenly saying that Thomas Jefferson signed the Constitution. More: NBC
The Slovak interior minister said Thursday that a “lone wolf” has been charged in the shooting that seriously wounded Prime Minister Robert Fico and prompted soul-searching among leaders in the deeply divided society. More: HuffPost
President Joe Biden on Thursday blocked Republicans’ request for audio recordings of his interviews with former special counsel Robert Hur. More: HuffPost