5.16.23 It just might be an Election Day in your state

Be advised: This newsletter has a potty mouth. And a bit of a belly. It’s working on it!

Note: Well, SPs, Doodie Pooliani has crossed over. No, he didn’t die. But the place where it’s cool to make jokes about him did. And that’s much sadder.

If you haven’t seen it by now, Rudy Giuliani was hit with a horrific sexual harrassment suit yesterday that will make you vomit rage and cry puke. It’s seriously so heinous that we won’t be making any jokes about it. Brace yourself if you’re gonna read it because it’s truly fucked up. Even for that asshole.

Every one of these sick twisted motherfuckers has these lines they cross where they go from hilarious cartoonish Scooby Doo villain pooping hair dye out of their foreheads to genuine real life fucking evil doing awful fucking things to real people and it’s just so damn gross and you just don’t even want to make fun of it anymore.

So we’re retiring a lot of our Rudy jokes, and y’all know how much we will miss them. Goodbye, Giuliani-did-his-cousin. Farewell, Four Seasons Landscaping. Au Revoir, shitting-out-of-your-face. Sigh.

We genuinely hope this staffer gets some measure of peace and restitution for what sounds like actual hell. And we sure hope Rudy gets what’s coming to him too. We’re up against real monsters, y’all. It’s why we can’t lose. Have a good day.

Note two: Elon Musk went full on anti-Soros antisemite last night after Soros dropped his shares in Tesla and after Elon got a subpoena from the Virgin Islands over the Epstein shit. Probably not the best idea for the Senate Majority Leader to take anymore meetings with this creep. More: Rolling Stone

Note three: This Elon stuff has us wondering if all Jan. 6 truthers are completely full of shit.

Note four: McCarthy and McConnell are back at the White House over the debt ceiling today. It seems pretty obvious to us that McCarthy is planning to default and blame the White House. Why isn’t it obvious to the ass-kissers who cover him? More: AP

Note five: We have a bit of a problem. Our Sam is broken. This is what did it…

Note six: Let’s all wish Tapper and CNN good luck today as they try to get on Truth Social again. Maybe this time it will help them beat Newsmax. Yes you read that right. CNN is now a FOURTH PLACE network. Ouch. More: The Wrap

Note seven: Thanks to David Corn for calling bullshit on The Messenger’s claims of objectivity. More: Mother Jones

Note eight: The New York Times is reporting Mike Pence will soon announce his running for president. We kinda want to save all our laughter for when he inevitably drops out or Trump tries to kill him again. More: AP

Note nine: We hate all these boutique news organizations that launched just to kiss Republican ass, but we just had to show y’all this Semafor scoop about DeSantis. During Trump’s town hall, DeSantis’s PAC tweeted out some common sense questions about Trump and Jan. 6. And they’re promising to never do it again. LOL. More: Semafor

Note 10: LOLOL…

Note 11: Josh Hawley has a new book out today called “Manhood.” That’s it. That’s the joke. More: Intercept

Note 12: Yesterday Sen. Schumer filed cloture on the nomination of Nancy Abudu to be on the 11th Circuit. This is a damn good reminder that elections matter.

Note 13: And congratulations to Brad Garcia on being confirmed to the powerful DC Circuit. Judge Garcia is the first Latino to sit on that court. More: Bloomberg Law

Note 14: Pretty much the entire Republican Party spend the morning calling to end the FBI. So defunding the police is good now? More: MSNBC

Note 15: How can you not love these two?

Note 16: The Smithsonian took Trump PAC money for his presidential portrait. Gross, Smithsonian. More: Washington Post 

Note 17: It sure seems like it should be bigger news today that Giuliani is accused of selling pardons for $2 million and splitting it with Trump. More: NBC

Note 18: Eric Adams is a disaster. More: Bloomberg

Note 19: We usually try to end on a happy note, but today we wanted to end talking about Ron DeSantis and what he’s doing to education. Bottom line is he’s trying to make Florida and Florida colleges “whites only” and we’re wondering when the hell the press is gonna give a shit. If any reporter ever wonders how they would’ve covered George Wallace, well here’s your chance. More: NPR

Note 20: Ok, Sexy Patriots, let’s go do some news! Today felt like an extra dark TBS, so we’ll try to bring more funny tomorrow. We just need Republicans to take one day off of being horrifying creepshows. Y’all have a great day!

Sending love

Two staffers at Rep. Gerry Connolly’s district office were attacked yesterday by a lunatic with a metal baseball bat. The good news is the two staffers have been released from the hospital. The bad news is Kevin McCarthy was noncommittal this morning when CNN asked him about increasing security for staff at district offices. It’s almost like he likes the violence.

More: AP

Joke

After years and millions of dollars, John Durham submitted a fucking opinion column saying he didn’t like how the FBI investigated Trump and Russia. It’s somehow dumber and more corrupt than the Barr report. And the press fell for it all the same. The bottom line is that Trump asked Russia to help him, and they did. None of the bullshit has ever changed those facts. And this bullshit won’t either. It will however probably lead to a summer of hearings and truth social posts and concern-trolling from totally objective CNN anchors.

More: MSNBC

Election Day!

It’s a Tuesday, so people are voting. What about you? Shoot us an email and let us know what race you’re looking at most closely. Is it the Pennsylvania Supreme Court? Or the statehouse? For us, it’s the Kentucky governor’s race. We’re eager to see who is gonna have the pleasure of losing to Andy Beshear.

Today’s clips

Three conservative appeals court judges, each with a history of supporting restrictions on abortion, will hear arguments May 17 on whether a widely used abortion drug should remain available. More: HuffPost

Roberta Kaplan, a lawyer for advice columnist E. Jean Carroll, on Monday told MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow that Donald Trump’s slurs against her client during his controversial CNNtown hall last week are “definitely actionable.” More: HuffPost

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