5.15.24 Almost over

It’s Wednesday. There are 174 days until the general election. A sad update on a former president we actually love, Michael Cohen signals the end and let’s effing go in Maryland.

Be advised: This newsletter uses profanity. It helps us call the Speaker of the House an ass-kissing shiteater.

Note: If you’re like us, Sexy Patriots, then you’ve almost started playing a game every morning where you guess which miserable spineless creep will join Donald Trump in court. We bet on Vivek and nailed it, but even we thought Mike Johnson would have more self-respect. We should’ve known better. Anyway, we found out who tomorrow’s guest is gonna be and we’re so excited to share it with you. Are you ready?

It’s us.

That’s right. Yeah, we were pretty surprised too. For reasons we don’t understand and won’t question, Trump has invited us instead of Doug Burgum (who is not actually a person) to join him in court. Melania must still be busy doing whatever it is she does all day. Anyway, we totally said yes even though we hate the soulless assface so we’re digging up a blue suit and a red tie and a moldy turd to use as a brain and we’re going to join Trump in the courtroom. We think it’ll go a little something like this…

TBS: Pssssst! Hey Trump! Psssst! Trump!

Trump: What?!

TBS: You seem guilty as hell, bro. You’re so fucked, man.

Trump: Shut up!

TBS: (Sniff! Sniff!) Dude, did you just beef? Or do you always smell like that? Hey, everybody! This guy just farted in court! And it fucking stinks!

Trump: Shut up! Shut up! Fake news! Fake nose! Fakezzzzzzz….

TBS: Holy shit. He fell asleep. While we were talking to him. Whatever. We’re gonna go somewhere it doesn’t smell like wide-open hog ass. Later, orangey.

Got him. Ok so it’s not that clever, but honestly don’t you think that’s how it would go? And why are we picturing the two guys from Strange Brew instead of ourselves? Weird. You hosers have a blessed day.

Note two: Quick point of clarification — Trump isn’t actually in court after today because the jury has the rest of the week off. Also seriously, why do they all dress alike? They’re like that cult that cut off their junk to please a comet or some shit.

Note three: It’s so on! This morning Joe Biden put out a video challenging Trump to a debate and making fun of the orange guy for losing his last two debates and being “free” on Wednesdays. Ya know, because that’s when his criminal trial pauses. Trump told Fox News he accepts the challenge. And get ready because the first one is next month! More: HuffPost

Note four: A Republican in Missouri is running for Secretary of State and put out an ad telling voters not to be “weak and gay.” We’re thinking about running an ad telling her to eat shit. More: Heartland Signal

Note five: Dark Brandon hits from way downtown!

Note six: Thank you to everyone who wrote us yesterday to tell us they got a good laugh at Jelly Dicknipples (JD) Vance’s expense. We can honestly say that is our favorite recurring joke of the last couple years, and we will never stop trying to guess what JD stands for other than kissing orange ass.

Note seven: Ben Carson’s new book calls for an end to no-fault divorce. Can you believe this dumbshit operated on people’s brains? Also, Republicans are creeps who want to control women. Fuck Ben Carson. More: NBC

Note eight: Joe Biden is the most pro-union president of our lifetimes. More: Washington Examiner

Note nine: Republicans, however, hate it when unions fight for workers. More: HuffPost

Note 10: Maybe we should get Aaron Rogers a second helmet…

Note 11: Stormy Daniels had to wear a bulletproof vest to court? What a fucked up country we are. More: HuffPost

Note 12: Want to meet one of the biggest assholes on the planet who isn’t a Republican official or candidate? Of course you do. Then meet Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker. More: OutSports

Note 13: MAGA Mike Johnson says he cares about cops. Don’t you wish he’d give a shit about the cops he got injured and killed on and after Jan. 6? Yeah, us too. More: HuffPost

Note 14: It really was insanely fucking disgusting to see MAGA Mike Johnson in court with Trump yesterday. Of course we probably shouldn’t be shocked that a guy who participated ina coup attempt would pull some shit like that. More: AP

Note 15: Are we surprised that puppy murder isn’t a dealbreaker for Trump? No. No we are not.

Note 16: Of course Trump’s plane clipped a parked plane. Maybe it was one of those invisible planes. More: CNBC

Note 17: Inflation cooled some more. Thanks, Biden. More: CNN

Note 18: Our Secretary of State played guitar on “Rockin’ in the Free World” in Kyiv. Fucking awesome.

Note 19: For today’s Happy Ending, how great is it to see the WNBA tip off this year with all kinds of excitement and attention?! Y’all know we love us some basketball, so between the season starting and the NBA playoffs in full swing, we’re in hoops heaven. Congrats to all the players who are making their debut in the W this week.

Note 20: And on that fun and awesome note, let’s go do some news! We sure hope y’all are doing well. And if you should find yourself in court, we’ll come sit with you. As long as you don’t fart as much as Trump does. Love y’all!


This breaks our heart to share. Former President Jimmy Carter’s grandson said Carter is “coming to an end” after a year-and-a-half in hospice care. Carter’s wife passed late last year. He is 99. He is a good man and he was a good president. And he loves the Allman Brothers which automatically makes someone a good person. If you read this story, there’s a great part about President Carter watching a Braves game with his grandson that made us smile.

More: CNN

Almost over

Michael Cohen’s testimony this week has been devastating. He has been a brutal witness against Trump and we’ve enjoyed every second of it. Even though Trump slept through a lot of it again. Seriously how does he sleep so much? Anyway, the prosecution told the judge yesterday that Cohen is their last witness. So now we wait to see what freakshow Trump will call as a defense and then the jury takes over. It probably goes without saying, but we really hope that asshole gets convicted.

More: HuffPost

Hey Angela!

Extra points if you got that reference. Congrats to Angela Alsobrooks on winning the Democratic nomination for the U.S. Senate out of Maryland. We are damn excited about this, and we all need to get behind this campaign. She’s running against former Gov. Larry Hogan, and he’s no dummy. Well he is but he ain’t. He used his speech last night to promise to protect women’s rights. We’re not buying it, Larry. You know who else will protect women’s rights? A woman. We were sorry to see that our friend Harry Dunn didn’t win his primary, but onward. Let’s go win some races and save this country’s ass again.

Today’s clips

Rep. Anna Paulina Luna is leading a handful of GOP colleagues in a push to award a Congressional Gold Medal to former President Donald Trump. More: Politico

The largest Latino group in the country endorsed President Joe Biden in Arizona on Tuesday and said the group will also work to turn out voters to influence potential ballot measures on abortion, minimum wage and immigration. These measures, the group says, are as important in driving Latino voters to the polls. More: NBC

A group of prominent conservative operatives and businesspeople are dishing out more than $1 million to launch a new media company aimed at reaching conservative members of Congress and their staffers, sources told Axios. More: Axios

Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-Alaska) didn’t seem amused by the parade of Republican officials who’ve joined former President Donald Trump at his criminal trial in New York in recent days. More: HuffPost