5.15.23 C’mon, NC

Be advised: This is a cussing newsletter. It was an exercising newsletter but it threw out its back and doesn’t want to talk about it goddamnit.

Note: Sexy Patriots! How the eff was your weekend?! Really? You did? Holy shit. Well don’t worry. Your secret is safe with us. Unlike this sorry sonofabitch.

LOLOL!!! They’ve lost their totally real and not at all made-up whistleblower! And probably just before he or she was gonna deliver all that evidence we’ve been hearing so much about. While Politico and Punchbowl will probably fall for this shit, we believe in real fake journalism around here. So we tracked down the whistleblower — whose name is Gary — and conducted this interview…

TBS: Hey, Gary, thanks for joining us.

Gary: Thanks, guys. Big fan.

TBS: Gary, let’s get this out of the way — we can’t help but notice that you are a 10-feet-tall purple bunny rabbit with sparklers for ears.

Gary: Astute observation, fellas. I’m actually not real. Just a figment of some desperate dumbfuck’s imagination.

TBS: Oh that’s gotta suck.

Gary: It’s even worse than you think. I was actually the imaginary best friend of a kid named Juan and then this asshole came along and stole me.

TBS: He stole a little boy’s imaginary friend?!

Gary: I can still hear Juan crying. It haunts me.

TBS: So James Comer is a huge piece of shit?

Gary: HUGE! The biggest!

TBS: Do you actually have anything on the Biden family?

Gary: What is a Biden family?

TBS: Exactly. Have a great day, Gary.

Note two: A new publication called the Messenger launched today, and the first thing it did was score a kiss-ass interview with Trump and lecture us all about how CNN did the right thing. War correspondents are begging for funds, but there’s plenty of money or yet another publication to kiss Republican ass. We are so fucked. NO LINK

Note three: While we were away, Mr. Free Speech Elon Musk happily folded and censored Turkish President Erdogan’s critics just before the country’s presidential election. It’s getting to where you can’t even trust the word of a billionaire Jan. 6 truther. More: Fortune

Note four: Anybody else still totally freaked the fuck out by last night’s Succession?

Note five: No big deal. Just the New York Times running a “pro-life” asshole making excuses for murdering unarmed Black men on the subway. That paper has a sickness.

Note six: Border crossings down 50 percent? Republicans must be celebrating. Right? Or do they just like using this issue to rally their racist base and have no intention of actually doing anything? More: Independent

Note seven: Rick Perry told CNN yesterday he’s thinking about running for president. They’re already working on finding a town hall crowd of psychos who will applaud even though they forgot who the fuck Rick Perry is. More: CNN

Note eight: Axios is a garbage publication, and we prefer to never link to them. But we thought y’all should see this story about the decline of gas prices… More: Axios

Note nine: Joe Biden went for a bike ride this weekend. More: Mediaite

Note 10: Trump canceled a rally in Iowa. He blamed the weather, but many people are saying it’s because he couldn’t get it up. His crowd numbers, that is. More: NBC

Note 11: DeSantis was in Iowa this weekend. He is right now engaged in a project his advisers like to call Project Act Like a Normal Fucking Human Being so we got lots of pictures of him laughing like a totally real and normal person would laugh.

Note 12: Planned Parenthood has now officially joined the call to expand the court. And we’re damn glad to see it. More: HuffPost

Note 13: The Memphis Grizzlies have suspended Ja Morant for yet another social media video with him and a gun. If he was a Republican member of Congress, nobody would be saying a word. More: ESPN

Note 14: We’re not freaking out about AI. Why? Because we are way too fucking busy freaking out about everything else. More: AP

Note 15: A bunch of nazi virgin assholes marched in DC this weekend. Fortunately for decent people everywhere, Bike Man was there too…

Note 16: Paige Herwig deserves a big thank you from all of us. Herwig was Biden’s point person on judicial nominations, and she is leaving the White House. Thank you for all your hard work, Paige! More: HuffPost

Note 17: What Tricia Cotham did in North Carolina might be one of the biggest political betrayals we’ve ever seen. It’s got us hoping there’s a hell. More: Jezebel

Note 18: Shouldn’t it be a bigger deal that a Republican senator is holding military promotions hostage because he wants to protect white nationalists? More: Vanity Fair

Note 19: Enormous congratulations are in order for the Obama family. Their daughter Sasha graduated this weekend from USC. That must mean the rest of us are now a thousand years old. Congrats! More: Teen Vogue

Note 20: And on that super happy note, let’s go do some news! We love y’all, and we just know you’re gonna have an awesome week. And if you see James Comer, tell him to give that little boy back his imaginary bunny rabbit. Sick bastard. Y’all have a blessed day.

Dark Brandon

Y’all have all heard the story about the person who said “give ‘em hell, Harry” to Harry Truman. Truman of course responded that he just tells the truth and it feels like hell to the people he’s wrecking. Well the same could be said of Joe “Dark Brandon” Biden. This weekend, DB was at Howard University giving the commencement address. He said white supremacists represent the “most dangerous terrorist threat” facing the country. He told the truth. And Republicans are furious. Here’s a question — why do Republicans get mad when Biden criticizes racist scumbags? LOL. We’re just kidding. We know the answer.

More: AP

Here’s to ya, ma

How did you spend Mother’s Day? (Btw, Happy Mother’s Day to all the Sexy Patriot Mammas out there!) Flowers? Lunch? Endless Truth Social posts about the woman you sexually abused and lied about? No? Guess you’re not a fucking nutjob freakshow then. Because that’s how Trump spent his Mother’s Day, attacking E. Jean Carroll and wishing a happy M-Day in particular the Mothers, Wives and Lovers of the Radical Left Fascists, Marxists, and Communists who are doing everything within their power to destroy and obliterate our once great country.” You can see why the press are treating him like a normal candidate.

More: Independent

C’mon, NC

Over the weekend, North Carolina Gov. Roy Cooper vetoed North Carolina’s recently passed abortion ban. We’re damn glad to see it, and this is why guv races are so important. But thanks to turncoat Tricia Cotham, Republicans have the votes to override the veto. So if you live in North Carolina, call your people and urge them to uphold this veto!

More: AP

Today’s clips

President Joe Biden on Sunday suggested he’d be willing to accept stricter limits on federal food benefits for unemployed Americans. More: HuffPost

Vice Media, once a paragon of the digital era, filed for bankruptcy on Monday, a dramatic fall from grace for a company once valued around $5.7 billion. More: HuffPost 

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